I’m a man in my 30s and have recently fallen out with my wife over my friendship with a single female colleague.
We’re not having an affair, but we do text each other about stuff unrelated to work and when we are at the office we often have lunch together or a drink after work.
My wife says I have to stop all contact with her unless it’s directly related to work – no texts, no lunches, no drinks – which I think is really unreasonable.
We had a huge argument over it the other night and haven’t spoken much to each other since. I’ve tried to explain that we’re just friends, but she keeps saying, “Well, that’s not what it looks like from where I’m standing”.
I think it’s a massive overreaction and I also feel angry that she’s trying to dictate who I can and can’t be friends with. I’ve never cheated on her – I’m just not that kind of guy.
We’ve been talking about starting a family recently, but I feel so far apart from her right now that I think it would be mad to have a baby.
Coleen says,
Well, I agree with putting the baby plans on ice until you’ve worked this out. Look, I can see your side of things, however, who do you want to please more? Who are you scared of losing more – your friend or your wife?
You might not be having an affair, but this friendship has already had a negative effect on your marriage – you’ve fallen out with your wife over it.
And I think the way you’ve reacted is going to make her think there’s more to this friendship than meets the eye.
Maybe if you’d said, “She’s just a friend, but if this friendship is hurting you, then I’ll stop it now”, that might have been enough to reassure your wife.
But the fact you’re digging your heels in and rowing with her over it is a worry.
So the question is: do you like this other woman so much that you’re prepared to risk your marriage for her? Or do you have deeper feelings for her?
Personally, I don’t think it’s worth risking your marriage. Also, put yourself in your wife’s shoes – if she was seeing another guy all the time, texting him and drinking with him, how would you feel?
Oh, and why don’t you meet your wife for lunch instead?