It started with, “Are you sure you are going to stay with me forever? You are sure you won’t leave me?” I understood these questions perfectly because of her history. She had had it rough before we met and before she could say yes to me, she told me, “I should have given up on love but there’s a reason I keep trying.
All those I’ve dated were good at first until they left without any tangible reason. If you think you are going to do the same, please don’t let’s take a step from here.” I told her she’s the one I wanted and even told her how the future would be for us.
She wanted to trust me but she had seen so many disappointments for her to trust me that easily. For instance, her ex before me. They dated for two years and just when she was certain and settled in her mind that he was the one, he started giving her attitude.
She said to me, “I didn’t want to be that girl who nags so I let him be while I put up with his excuses. One day he told me I was too good for him and deserve a man who is equally good to me. He’s not that kind of man. He left me because I was too good.
Not because I fought him or cheated or give him reasons to doubt me. My sins were that I was too good. He left me and five months later, he got married to a woman he had dated for three years.”
Hearing a story like this from her made me realized how deep the hurt goes. I was ready to make things work between us. It wasn’t going to be easy but she was someone who deserves the effort because she was a good girl.
Two months into the relationship, she said, “Introduce me to your family. If you really love me, you wouldn’t have any problem with that.” The next few days, I took her home to meet my mom. My dad had traveled when we got there. Meeting my mom wasn’t enough for her.
“I have to meet your father too. He’s the man and he would have the final say.” A month later, we went back and meet my dad. He was happy with her. He called her beautiful and well-behaved though he had seen her for only some minutes.
When we returned that day, I asked her, “Are you ok now? Is there anything else you would want me to do?” She laughed. She said, “We’ll talk about the rest as we go along.” She wanted to meet my friends and I introduced her to all of them.
I called her my wife in the presence of others. Just anything to make her feel comfortable. We survived a year together. We never fought or argued.
Then one day she said, “Are you sure you’re not pretending? You don’t look real. It’s like you’re doing things just to satisfy me.”
But even if I’m doing things to satisfy her, how is that a problem? Isn’t how love is supposed to be? But she had a problem and from then on we graduated into another thing. She wouldn’t talk to me until I looked into her eyes. Before she says anything to me, she would go like, “Josh, look into my eyes,” and until I looked into her eyes, she wouldn’t say what she had to say. The only time I escaped “Look into my eyes” was when we were talking on the phone.
She left her church and started worshipping where I worshipped. I knew it was an attempt to get even closer and meet the people I only meet at church. But she said she was attending my church so when we get married, it would be easier for her to adapt.
I didn’t complain. It didn’t hurt to have her around during church service. She sat next to me and shook hands with everyone I shook hands with and that meant I had to introduce her to whoever we came across.
She took over my world completely. There was nothing like ‘me’ moment. She would close from work, meet me half-way so we go home together. She would stay at my house until it’s late before she goes to her place. We survived two years together.
She was very consuming and sometimes brought my energy to level zero but I knew at some point it would stop. “When she learns to trust, she’ll stop all these things.”
She spent a weekend with me one time and at dawn, she rushed out of bed to turn on the light and came back to sit next to me. I lifted my sleepy eyes up and asked, “What? What’s the matter?” She responded, “Look into my eyes and let’s talk.” I said, “Please it’s too late to be looking into eyes, just talk I’m listening” She said, “I need to see your eyes to know if indeed you understand what I’m going to tell you.”
I stood up, sat next to her, looked straight into her eyes and she said, “It’s been two years already. Let’s solidify this relationship. Let’s have a blood covenant. That way, I know you won’t leave me in the end and my heart and soul would settle down after that.”
For a minute I didn’t know what to say. “Blood covenant? Blood covenant for what?” What would that do for us?” She answered, “You promise with your blood that you won’t leave me or cheat with someone else and I would do the same too. From there, both of us can be very sure of the future.”
That was the point I realized the depth of what I was dealing with. And that was when I realized how delicate and precious trust is. Trust when broken, no matter who broke it, never comes back to normal again.
You can’t fix trust and you can’t patch pieces of trust together. Once it gets shattered on the floor, it’s better you leave it that way and move on because it’s very hard to do it all over again.
I asked her, “You don’t trust me, do you?” She said, “I trust you. I love you. I want to be with you till the end. That’s why I’m doing all these to ensure we never leave each other. For once, I also used her own favorite phrase, “Look into my eyes.” She did, thinking I was going to tell her something important. I said, “Go back to sleep.”
Three months later, we were over.
I wasn’t the one who walked away. She did. Seven months later, she got married to a man who she said was ready to catch a grenade for her. “When did you find him? How long did you two date? And when did you decide to get married?” These questions were not answered but when I patch things together, it leads me to only one answer which I know beyond every reasonable doubt that is true.
The man she got married to was already in her life the night she requested for the covenant. She was torn between me and that man that was why she requested for a covenant. She didn’t trust I was going to stay till the end. I don’t know what the man said or did to convince her to choose him over me.
I wasn’t mad or broken when she left. I thought she was making a mistake by leaving me knowing how deeply I loved her. Not knowing, her feet were already standing on a superior promise. I wish her well.
-Josh