Along with losing your relationship, you lose your lifestyle, the goal of raising your children in an intact family, and all the other dreams you had for the future.

Each loss feels like another blow that takes you lower and lower into the depths of your broken heart. Although you know there are plenty of people who have made it through and are moving on with their life after divorce just fine, you wonder what they knew about how to get over someone that you don’t.

And then you think maybe your breakup is so much more horrible than what others have gone through, that what they did won’t work for you.

And so your torturous thoughts turn as you wrestle with worries about how to deal with your breakup. The problem is that the more you worry about it, the harder it is for you to recover — which just starts the cycle all over again.

It’s a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck. But you can break out of it. You can stop the self-destructive thoughts. And you can get over an ex and on with your life.

All it takes is a willingness to work mentally, emotionally, and physically to achieve your goal of getting over your divorce or major breakup.

Here are 19 steps for getting over even the most devastating breakup fast:

1. Know that getting over the end of your relationship is supposed to be hard

Breakups hurt everyone involved just in different ways and at different times. You can easily know the truth of this by the amount of divorce information you find on the internet, the number of songs written about the end of relationships, and the number of TV shows, movies, and books about all kinds of breakups. Because this time is so difficult, be gentle with yourself. Showing yourself compassion as you work your way through the pain of your broken heart will help you get through it a whole lot more quickly than if you’re impatient with yourself.

2. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t regularly throw yourself pity parties

Being compassionate with yourself does include allowing yourself to feel sad about all your losses, but it doesn’t mean that you should focus on what is no more. Giving excessive attention to what you’ve lost only serves to keep you stuck in your heartbreak.

3. Ask for help

Going through a divorce, in particular, is one of the most difficult things you can do. There’s no reason why you should go through it alone. Ask for help. Ask Google. Ask your friends. Ask helping professionals. Build a support structure for yourself to help you recover from your divorce as thoroughly and quickly as possible.

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4. Don’t dwell on the past

Three thoughts about the past typically trip up people healing from a serious breakup: They want to understand exactly why their relationship ended. They beat themselves up for what they could have, should have, or would have done, and they blame their ex exclusively for everything that happened. Dwelling on the past keeps you there. Just like you can’t drive a car forward by staring in the rearview mirror, you can’t move your life forward if you’re focusing on the past. You can’t change the past. The best you can do is learn from it.

5. View the failure of your relationship as simply an important lesson you need to learn

You and your ex were in a relationship that didn’t make it. The relationship failed and you can learn from it — if you choose to. Once you decide to learn from your failed marriage instead of labeling yourself as a failure, you will regain confidence in yourself and your ability to have a successful relationship in the future.

6. Stop viewing yourself as a victim

It’s so easy to feel like a victim when someone breaks up with you. Yet that’s the worst thing you can do. (Even I struggled a lot with victim mentality when I got divorced.) When you view yourself as a victim, you deny yourself the strength and power you have and need to get over your heartbreak. Change your story and take responsibility for what you did (or didn’t do) that contributed to the end of your relationship.

7. Neutralize toxic people

It’s often your ex who’s poisonous, but there are plenty of others who can be toxic too. Learning how to step away from their drama (and hatred) is one of the most important ways you can move beyond your divorce or heal from a breakup.

8. Embrace change

There’s no two ways about it: Divorce = Change. Major breakups = major shake-ups in your life. The longer you fight the necessary changes, the longer you’ll stay stuck. This doesn’t mean that you should just roll over in your divorce negotiations. You should fight for what’s important, but who gets the music in the iTunes account isn’t worth fighting over. When you look at the necessary changes as necessary and just your starting point for where you’re going to go from here, life will become easier for you.

9. Accept the emotional mayhem of breakups as normal

Nobody likes to feel out of control of their emotions and unable to predict how they’ll feel from one moment to the next. But that’s how heartbreak is. No matter how it feels, you’re not losing your mind. You’re just dealing with a tremendous amount of stress. And stress does strange things to people.

10. Take time to relax

Because divorce and breaking up are so difficult, you need to make sure you take time to relax. Relaxation is not the same thing as feeling too depressed to move. Relaxation is about purposefully taking time out of your day to chill and put everything else on pause.

11. Exercise

One of the best ways to deal with stress (and the situational depression of heartbreak) is to exercise. Your exercise can be as easy as taking a walk or as extreme as training for and competing in an IronMan Triathlon.

12. Get enough sleep

Yeah, sleep is one of those pipe dreams when you’re in the throes of heartbreak. But the more you can get your sleeping routine and schedule back to normal the better you’ll deal with the stress.

13. Limit caffeine

This can be difficult to do when you’re not getting enough sleep, but too much caffeine can overstimulate you — all of you. You’re already stressed out enough dealing with the breakup, and adding the fuel of caffeine to the already raging fire of stress isn’t in your best interest.

14. Develop a strong, positive, and flexible mindset

This is the real goal of everyone who truly wants to learn how to recover from a breakup. They know (just like you do) that it’s the habitual thoughts and inflexibility that will keep you stuck.

15. Choose to work on your recovery daily — no matter what setbacks may happen

When you want to achieve something, you set aside time to work on it daily. Do the same thing with your divorce or breakup recovery. The more focused time you spend on doing things to help you feel normal again, the faster you’ll feel that way.

16. Become emotionally intelligent about yourself and others

The better you become at recognizing what’s going on with your emotions and why you feel like you do, the more quickly you’ll be able to calm down the emotional rollercoaster ride you’ve been on. And the better you become at understanding the emotions of others, the easier time you’ll have to avoid their triggers.

17. Develop your confidence

Divorce has a way of corroding your confidence. Regardless, you still have tremendous qualities that you can and should feel great about. Figure out what you like about yourself, remind yourself of these things daily, and you’ll be well on your way to building your self-confidence.

18. Don’t wait for an apology to forgive

One of the toughest parts of divorce recovery is forgiving both your ex and yourself for everything that contributed to the end of your marriage. The stumbling block that most people hit is equating forgiveness with either forgetting or approving of what happened. That’s not what true forgiveness is. True forgiveness is all about you releasing the past so it doesn’t control you anymore. You need to remember what happened so you can learn from it and make better choices in the future.

19. Remember why you’re putting so much effort into learning how to recover after divorce

You’ll have some days when all you want to do is stay in bed, pull the covers over your head, and let the rest of the world continue without you. In these moments, if you can remember why you want to get over your divorce, you’ll start to stir the motivation you need to get through another day — no matter what you’re facing.

These 19 tasks are the basics of what it takes to deal with the end of your marriage. You’ll find that some days it’s easier to tackle the tasks than others. And that’s completely normal because divorce recovery is a process. As you continue working on these tasks, you’ll discover that they’ll gradually become easier and that you aren’t wrestling with as much worry as you were. Once you start putting the worry about how horrible your divorce is/was behind you the more quickly you’ll rise from the blows divorce dealt you and embrace the new life that’s ahead of you because you’ve discovered how to recover after divorce.

Along with losing your relationship, you lose your lifestyle, the goal of raising your children in an intact family, and all the other dreams you had for the future. Each loss feels like another blow that takes you lower and lower into the depths of your broken heart. Although you know there are plenty of people who have made it through and are moving on with their life after divorce just fine, you wonder what they knew about how to get over someone that you don’t.

And then you think maybe your breakup is so much more horrible than what others have gone through, that what they did won’t work for you. And so your torturous thoughts turn as you wrestle with worries about how to deal with your breakup. The problem is that the more you worry about it, the harder it is for you to recover — which just starts the cycle all over again. It’s a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck. But you can break out of it. You can stop the self-destructive thoughts. And you can get over an ex and on with your life. All it takes is a willingness to work mentally, emotionally, and physically to achieve your goal of getting over your divorce or major breakup.

Well, this happened to me and it took me two years to get over the breakup. My boyfriend and I were what some would call couple goals.

We were so compatible that we gained a small online audience who followed our relationship journey. However, this would also be the downfall of our relationship.

I met Jack when I was only 20 years old. We were on the same campus and immediately hit it off. Our relationship also took off as quickly and after 2 months, we moved in together. Life was great and for the rest of my campus, we remained together.

After university, things became more serious. He came to meet my family and my mother was more than happy I had found someone to settle down with. She gave us her blessing and I officially moved in with him.

However, I started facing challenges. I couldn’t find employment and after nearly a year of searching, I gave up hope.

Jack offered to help me establish a boutique business since I couldn’t get work. We started the business and it turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me.

The business was instantly successful and we ended up opening another shop. I dedicated all my time and effort to the business and it was paying off.

We started living a comfortable life and could afford small luxuries thanks to the business. Jack was also happy that I had grown the business.

I wanted to employ another girl to work at the shop and I’d supervise both boutiques. However, Jack advised me to focus on building a family since the business was doing well.

“I’ll be supervising them,” he suggested. “You should start trying to get pregnant.”

This wasn’t the first time that he had suggested I get pregnant. In fact, when we were still in university, he asked if I wanted to have a baby.

“Of course,” I replied. “Just not now.”

I still felt the same. The business was really taking off and I wanted to put all my effort into it for another year or two. Jack had other plans.

“My friends are all having children.” He said.

“You mean Alex? The guy who still lives with his mother?” I asked him.

“But we have a business. We can take care of a child.”

“I think we should wait a bit.”

“Fine.” He agreed easier than I thought. “But we still need people to work at the shop.”

I agreed. I thought getting girls to work at the boutique would give me more time to grow the business. However, it would be the biggest mistake I made in my business and personal life.

“I know some girls who we can employ,” Jack suggested.

I trusted him with the employment process since I knew he was a professional and he was also loyal. Within a week, he had found and employed the girls. I hadn’t met them but I trusted my boyfriend to choose professional girls.

It had been a month since I went to the shop but I noticed that our sales were going down. When I got to the boutique, I was met by a light-skinned curvy girl who couldn’t be bothered to welcome me. She looked at me without saying a word.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi.”

“Are you Anita?”

“Yes. Who are you?” she asked a bit rudely.

“I’m Martha.”

She was shocked but tried to hide it.

“Oh. Welcome, madam.”

“Why is the boutique doing so badly?”

“It’s been a slow month.”

“Have you ever worked at a boutique before?”

“No, I used to be a tea girl.”

I left after the brief interaction wondering why my boyfriend would hire such an unprofessional person. However, when I tried to confront him about it, I was met with hostility.

“Is it your business or mine?” he asked.

“It’s our business,” I answered.

“No, it’s mine. I put in the investment money. You didn’t contribute a cent.”

“But…”

“But nothing. What were you even doing there?”

“I went to check on the business since sales aren’t good and my suspicions were right. The girl is incompetent. You should let her go.”

He laughed but I didn’t understand why. he didn’t fire her. In fact, he did nothing as the boutique continued to go down.

The other boutique also started suffering financially. The financial problems caused a rift in our relationship and after a few months, we broke up.

The breakup hit me hard since I had been with him for over five years and we had built a life together. tried tirelessly to mend the relationship but Jack wasn’t having it. He insisted that he had already moved on and that I should do the same.

I refused to believe that he had moved on and that our relationship was over. However, I found out that indeed, Jack had moved on and he was in a relationship with the lady he had hired.

She was the reason for our breakup and it was humiliating. How could a tea girl replace me? I couldn’t accept it and I tried my hardest to win Jack back. However, after two years of trying, I finally came to terms with the breakup.

The experience really damaged my self-esteem. I had to move back in with my mother as I tried to find employment. Between looking for employment and trying to rekindle my relationship, I was emotionally and mentally drained.

Luckily, I got a job that distracted me from the breakup. I also got new friends at my new job and I was able to move on.

To this day, I still can’t believe I pursued Jack for two years trying to get him back. My life is far better than it was when I was with him. I opened my own boutique which is thriving and I’m in no hurry to be in another relationship.

It’s easy for people to say, “You’re better off” as you try to erase the memory of your ex — but when you’re hurting, those words can sound frustratingly simple.

Here are 5 steps to actually moving on after your soul-crushing breakup:

1. Break all remaining ties to your ex.

Cutting ties with your ex is the most important thing you can do to get over them for good. Keeping them around will keep you solidly stuck in the past, so ending contact with them is key to giving yourself the closure you need after your breakup.

If you have a business or kids with your ex, these are shared responsibilities that remain (whether or not you try to cut ties). Try to minimize contact that doesn’t revolve around your children or business.

If you tend to dwell on interactions with your ex, distract yourself as much as you can before and after meeting up to drop off the kids or handle business. Reward yourself for handling things as civilly as possible.

2. Save the friendship for later.

Just like in grade school, keep your eyes on your work. One significant way people sabotage themselves after a breakup is by trying to stay friends with their ex.

It sounds mean to say “thanks, but no thanks” to a friendship with someone you spent so much time with, but when you’re hurting, trying to keep them in your life is one of the worst things you can do for yourself.

If you still really want this person in your life, you can reconnect with them (much) later — once you’ve both truly moved on from your failed romance.

3. Stop monitoring what your ex is doing (or who).

Sometimes, the only way someone feels forced to move on is by accepting their ex has gotten serious with someone new. It’s as though the unfortunate reality that the relationship is over only dawns on them the second their ex gets engaged or married to someone else.

This is just another way people stay stuck.

The best way to gain the emotional space you need is to break the remaining ties with your ex. If they are out of your life, make sure you’re not still up to date on theirs.

4. Start dating.

Dipping your toes in the dating pool is essential for moving on from a failed relationship. So many people delay dating other people while thinking, “I’m not ready,” or “Maybe I’ll get back together with my ex.” The problem is both mentalities keep you stuck because you’re still living in the past.

Dating is simply a natural part of moving past a breakup. Meeting new people and trying to make new friends is enough to give you some perspective and help you start creating a new life — without your ex.

5. Stop comparing your new relationships to your old ones.

Say you’ve done the rest of these steps to move on. You’ve cut ties, deleted them from social media, and started dating. One way people keep the pain of their breakup alive is by comparing all new relationships to their relationships with their exes.

Comparing new people to your memory of your relationship with your ex isn’t fair to you or anyone you start dating post-breakup.

Unless you had a terrible relationship, you haven’t made enough positive memories with someone new to compare a relationship to an ex. By not comparing, you’re giving someone else the chance to win your heart.

If you’ve recently gone through the pain of breaking up with someone you love, you may constantly find yourself ruminating about your ex.

You may hope your situation will change — they’ll start loving you again and you’ll eventually get back together and live happily ever after. You may even think about this hourly, wondering how you can ever be happy again until that moment arrives.

First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this heartbreak. There’s nothing worse than a broken heart.

And let me say, good for you for recognizing the truth and knowing that it’s time to move on!

There is someone out there for you and by letting go of your ruminations about the ex, you will be able to find them.

But for now, let’s talk about how to stop that endless stream of thoughts about the person you once thought you’d be in love with forever.

Here’s how to stop ruminating about your ex so you can move on and be happy again.

1. Ask yourself how determined you are to stop these repetitive thoughts.

Before you begin any life changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of one to ten, how close to a 10 are you? Without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as stopping thinking about someone you love.

So, are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility things could work out? Do you find a little bit of comfort thinking about them? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to stop the obsessive thoughts you’re having?

If the answer to any of these questions is a yes, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process.

Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger, stop ruminating, and be ready to take on this challenging task.

2. Remember the truth rather than the fantasy you’re ruminating about.

After breakups, we tend to romanticize even the worst relationships. We are obsessed with all of the good things about it — how wonderful it was at the beginning and how wonderful it could still be. You return in your minds to that romantic day you spent together in New York and how much you loved meeting their friends.

What we don’t think about is the bad stuff, the stuff that led us to the end of the relationship. If you want to know how to get over someone, this is one of the best ways.

To that end, make three lists:

• List #1: Reasons the relationship ended.

What were the signs they had stopped loving you and the relationship was ending? Perhaps they no longer made an effort to spend time with you. Or they didn’t return your text messages. Or when you were going to bed, they just rolled over and turned off the light without kissing you. Or perhaps they told you they don’t like or respect you, even as they let you buy them a new bike or a fancy meal.

You know what I am talking about. Those gut feelings that told you this relationship was wrong.

• List #2: Those things you were kidding yourself about.

Are there some things you’re doing to talk yourself out of letting them go? Do you think if you just did one thing, they will start loving you again? Or perhaps you wonder how could they not love you because you know you are awesome?

I have a client who just doesn’t accept her relationship is over. She truly believes he should love her, and if she holds on long enough, he will know too. Every day she debases herself by ruminating about him and longing for his return.

Take a true account of those things you are doing to justify holding onto the relationship and continuing to think about your ex. Take a good hard look at them. Without understanding them, you won’t be able to let this person go. Letting go is one of the most difficult parts of learning how to get over someone you love, but it has to be done.

• List #3: What you want in a new relationship.

If you don’t know what you want in a relationship, then you will most definitely be more likely to keep thinking about one that isn’t serving you.

Take some time and write down what you want in a relationship and what the person of your dreams looks like. Most likely, you will find what is important to you isn’t present in your current relationship.

Once you have made your three lists, refer to them often.

When we are in the midst of emotional turmoil our brains get cloudy and we can’t think clearly. If you have these lists in front of you, reminding you of why you have broken up with this person, you will be able to stay steadfast in your determination to stop thinking about them!

3. Cut off all contact with your ex.

I know we all think we need closure at the end of a relationship, a final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends. People think they need this in order to stave off rumination.

I am here to tell you I believe closure is a myth.

Closure is actually one last chance to spend time with and talk to a person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you have decided the relationship is over and you no longer want to think about them, cut them off. Block them on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know they will be.

What you need to do is break the ties you have to your ex and change your habits. If you don’t know what they are doing, you are more like to stop thinking about them. The old saying, “out of sight, out of mind” is true. So, cut them off right away. It will make the healing process much easier.

4. Know in your heart you will love again.

This is the number one obstacle for most people who are trying to stop thinking about someone they love. Almost without exception, they can’t stop ruminating about their ex because they believe there will never be another person for them, if they let go of this person, they will be alone forever.

That isn’t true. You will learn how to be happy again. There are many, many fish in the sea, and there is one for you.

Of course, you will never have a chance to go fishing if you’re still holding on to this person who doesn’t love you. If you can be brave enough to act and let go your ex, you will be setting yourself up to find the love of your life!

For example, another client of mine was in a horrible relationship where she felt awful about herself. She kept on breaking up with and taking him back because during those breaks, she couldn’t stop thinking about what an amazing guy he was.

Then one day, after yet another breakup with him, she was invited to a dance party. She decided to go to it instead of at sitting home ruminating about her man. At the party, which she never would have gone to if she had been home thinking about the bozo guy, she met the love of her life.

How awesome is that?!

5. Get back out there.

Want to know how to stop obsessive thoughts about your ex? Get back out there!

I know right now you feel like you may never love again. All you want to do is stay home and obsess and stare at your phone. It may even feel like putting yourself back out there is somehow a betrayal to your love.

Putting yourself back out there doesn’t mean you have to fall in love again right now. Putting yourself back out there means getting dressed up and flirting and dating and having a lot of fun.

And you will, you will find another love. But in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single person. Embrace it!

Stopping those thoughts about someone you love is an incredibly hard thing to do.

You are holding onto the feelings you had for each other in the beginning, the feelings of excitement about the future you shared. You want them to come back to love you and everything to be fine and it’s all you can think about.

But hopefully now, after doing your work, you know getting back together isn’t going to happen, and it’s time to stop ruminating and take action.

Get determined, identify exactly why you broke up , cut off all contact, believe that your next love is out there, and then get out there and find your new love.

The next short period of time will be painful. Saying goodbye to someone you love always is.

But, once you are through it, life will go on and you will be in a place to find that special someone who will love you forever.

And in doing so, you will learn how to be happy once again!

I looked at her, thinking it would stop along the way. It never did.

Her mouth made a chaw-chaw sound until the food got finished. If we were eating at a public place, I would have probably been embarrassed but then I would go closer to her and whisper, “Can you tone it down? The way you chew on the food. It’s so loud.

“Can you chew a little bit silently? You’re drawing attention to us.” But that wasn’t the situation.

We were in her house and eating what she herself had cooked. I thought it was because we were in her house that was why she was feeling so comfortable with the way she was eating.

When she picked the bottle of water and started drinking, you could hear the gulping sound, gona—gona—gona, even from a distance. You may think I’m exaggerating but I’m not. 

She asked me, ”Did you enjoy the food?” I said, “Yeah I did. You’re such an awesome cook. I don’t mind eating this every day.”

That brought the curtains down to our first date in her house. It was actually our second month in a relationship. When the relationship is that new, you’re measured in what you say. You are careful so you don’t get the other party angry.

You put up your best behaviour. You create big impressions that score you big marks. That isn’t the time to draw her attention to her eating habit. Plus, it was the first time I was seeing it.

She came over to my house a week later. We were watching a movie when I served her a biscuit and drinks. At some point, I had to increase the volume of the TV to mask out her chewing sound.

It was very irritating. Chaw-chaw-chaw as if she was in an eating competition with someone else. People sip their drinks. She doesn’t know how to sip. There is a way she does it. I can’t explain. You could virtually hear the sound of the drink travelling down her throat.

She gulps the whole thing down creating the sound of gushing water through a pipe. I said to myself that day, “Nooo I can’t bear with this. There’s a way to go about it.”

I thought about it for days. I even googled; “How to tell your girlfriend to chew silently without making her feel bad.” Among the search results, I found, “How to deal with a loud chewer.” I read everything and picked some notes.

I told myself, “I’m well-armed for the next time when she chews loudly.” We ate together again in the car while going home. It was worse. Chaw-chaw-chaw.

I had to turn up the volume of the radio. I wanted to tell her but no matter how you look at it, it wasn’t easy. Won’t I hurt her confidence? Won’t I turn her inward? Won’t I drive her away from me? Those were the questions that ran through my head. Again, she escaped. I couldn’t say anything.

The next time was at my house. She slurped noisily from the cup she was drinking from. It was rice she cooked herself but she made the rice sound like she was eating crispy chips. I told her, “Dear, There’s something I want to tell you but I don’t know how you’re going to take it.”

She said, “Are you going to leave me?” We both laughed. I said, “No. Not at all. How can I leave you? What have you done to deserve that? It’s just about the way you eat. Maybe it’s about me.

It makes me uncomfortable the way you eat your food. The noise when you chew. The noise when you drink. It draws my attention away from the conversation to the way you eat. Is there a way you can correct that?”

She was quiet for a while. I said, “Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m only drawing your attention to it.” She asked me,” Since when did you notice that?” I said, “From the first time I came to your house and we ate together.”

“And you didn’t draw my attention to it?”

“I didn’t know how to. It takes a lot of courage to do that.”

“Well, I haven’t noticed. I will work on that.”

It kept happening. Whenever it happened, I will lift up my eyes and give her a wink. She will slow down on it but you could realize she wasn’t comfortable. She’ll chew in slow motion. It will take her forever before she finishes chewing on a piece of food.

Minutes later, she’ll forget about herself and start going louder again. So I drew the conclusion that she can’t stop. She also confirmed that she had been eating like this all her life and I’m the only one who has a problem with that.

We went to a wedding recently and food was served. She picked her spoon and was about to begin eating when she saw my face.

She put the spoon down and leaned back into her chair. I asked, “Ain’t you eating again?” She said, “I’m okay. I don’t think I’m hungry.” She sat and watched me eat my food in silence.

That wasn’t the first time she was shunning food because of me. It was about the third or the fourth time. The two of us are supposed to be happy together.

We’ve dated for close to eight months without any troubles except the loud, lip-smacking sounds she makes when eating.

Currently, she’s not happy when she’s with me. She’ll visit me and will not eat anything. She’ll say, “I ate on my way coming so I’m good.” But you look at her critically and you realize she’s hiding something. One late evening, we were in the bedroom about to sleep when she entered the hall.

Five minutes later I also went to the hall and saw her eating in front of the fridge. It was around 11:00 pm. She had rejected food hours earlier.

It broke my heart to see her that way. How long is she going to hide and eat? How long would she go out with me and reject food just because I’m around? 

She’s a good girl. She deserves more happiness than she’s getting currently. I want to call off the relationship so she can have her peace of mind and eat freely without me complaining about the way she eats.

It’s not personal. It’s not an agenda to run away from a relationship. I’m not trying to make excuses. I’m trying to be a realist here and put myself in her shoes and feel how she’s feeling.

Love is supposed to be freeing but currently, she’s acting caged and she does that only in my presence. Is there any other way to handle this situation other than how I’m going about it? 

I’m open about it. If I find a suggestion that would work. I will go all out to make things work.

I’m here. I will be reading comments. If I get a solution that works, I will come back with an update. Thanks in advance. 

Think about it, If someone just got out of the ICU after a life-threatening kidney condition, would you advise the person to start jogging the next day? I didn’t think so.

It’s the same way with relationships, a breakup could send you to the ICU and I mean that literally.

Breakups could actually kill people.

This is why first of all, you need time to recuperate. You need to process this new event. You will no longer be able to call this person, you will no longer be able to visit them, you can’t hang out with them anymore, no more sex with them, no more pictures with them.

The bond you took months or even years to build has just been shattered. Memories made will only be remembered as such – memories. The connections you made; families, friends, acquaintances and colleagues are about to become strangers or even triggers of painful memories; it’s a lot to take in, and you’ll need some time to process it.

Additionally, you’d also need some time to reflect. You must evaluate the relationship as well as the break-up.

You must ask yourself questions – Why did the Breakup occur? What went wrong? What can you do to make sure this doesn’t happen again in your future relationship? What are your current red flags? Are you in need of some self-improvement? Are there things you need to do? What did you take away from it all?

These are tough questions to answer before moving on to someone else.

Finally, you can’t just meet someone today and start dating them tomorrow. You will need some time to get to know this new person.

What is their personality like? What are their values, plans, and ambitions?

Before you can know all of these, you must first become friends.

This is why you have to be patient before beginning a new relationship.

Dating right after a breakup will only benefit you in the short term; in the long run, it will almost certainly make you worse than you were before.

During new relationships, you shouldn’t focus mainly on having fun while getting to know your partner better.

Most importantly, pay attention to what’s going on during the honeymoon phase of your relationship.

By doing so it could help save you time and heartbreak later on. It also establishes a good foundation for a long-lasting relationship.

Listed below are six early warning signs you should look for while dating. If your partner displays lots of these signs then the relationship could come back to bite you in the future!

• Putting their personal life on hold

In the early stages of a relationship, it’s obvious that your partner will probably want to spend every waking moment with you.

That often leads to you having less communication with your friends and family. If you find yourself doing this then stop immediately.

• You’re tolerating bad behaviour

Never stay with someone who disrespects your personal space, makes insensitive jokes, threatens to leave you, is aggressive, or always shows up late.

Trust me, lots of people tend to discount these red flags because other parts of their relationship seem to be good. Don’t be one of them by knowing these are clear warning signs of a future toxic relationship.

• You’re not talking to each other

For some strange reason, many people believe that their partners can actually read their minds.

Sadly, that’s not true, and this is one of the most serious mistakes you can make in a relationship.

Similar to avoiding conflict, a lack of communication might lead to feelings of confusion and misunderstanding. Unresolved negative feelings are almost certain to turn into resentment over a period of time.

• You’re idealising your partner

We’re all human and we all make mistakes. But, some people forget about it during the honeymoon phase of their relationship because they’re still wearing those rose-coloured glasses and consider their partners to be absolutely perfect.

Those people also tend to pay for that mistake later on. Never put your partner on a pedestal because it will only set you up for disappointment in the future.

• You’re trying to control your partner

Attempting to take over control of your partner’s life is usually a sign that you have some serious trust issues.

Acts of taking control would be feeling or acting jealous, trying to control someone’s behaviour, and constantly checking on where they’re at or what they’re up to.

If you try to control every move your partner makes it will make them feel like you’re trying to limit them. In the end, you’ll most likely push them away.

• They’re being too clingy

It’s important to try and build a strong connection with your significant other while it’s early in the relationship.

However, that also means you take the risk of them becoming too needy or clingy with you. With that in mind, you should always try and be mindful of giving your partner some space without you.

Everyone needs space and it’s important you both understand that early on.

If you really want your relationship to work in the long run, continue to be the confident and independent person you were before meeting and starting to date your partner.

But recently, I’ve had a couple of experiences that leave me wondering: How important is kissing compatibility?

Are we compatible if we don’t kiss the same way? Can our styles of how to kiss really determine if our relationship will last?

In my opinion, most first kisses are a little awkward. It’s natural to need a little practice before two sets of lips can find their perfect rhythm.

And I would never deny a guy a second date because he kissed outside the lines, or because we clumsily knocked teeth. I would wonder, however, “Is his mouth just that much bigger than mine? Or does he have very big teeth?”

I had known Tom for a while before we ever dated, and truth be told, I had a crush on him since the first time I saw him. Before we ever kissed, I remember expecting a hard, bony kind of kiss, the kind I had received once before from a guy with similarly small, thin lips. 

At the end of our first date, Tom really surprised me. His kiss wasn’t hard or bony at all. It was perfect. I can only describe it by saying it made my insides sparkle, and it made me want to kiss him all night long.

In the weeks to come, I couldn’t get enough. I found myself saying things like, “A week is too long to go without your kisses.” Yes, I had fallen for him, hard. 

But great kissing isn’t enough to make a great relationship, and things with Tom ended. It was difficult to let go of the idea of the relationship with him, and the kissing was largely to blame.

Looking back, I realise I had ignored lots of warning signs that he didn’t truly care for me. Damn my sparkling insides!

And then, there was Andy. Andy and I had great chemistry, but you’d never know it from our kisses. Our first kiss was… well, I don’t remember how it was.

I remember where and when it happened, but not many details of how it felt. It couldn’t have been too good or too bad, I suppose.

I do remember the kissing on our second date, though, and we definitely didn’t have any kissing rhythm. My lips were all wet. (Which, again, is puzzling to me).

Am I not opening wide enough? Or is our timing just off?) He even later referred to the kissing as “tentative” in the beginning. A bit harsh, I thought. We just needed some practice.

We soon found what worked for us, and we stuck to it for a while. However, feeling like we were both less than satisfied, one day I asked him to describe the kissing he likes best.

And what he described sounded to me like something lizards would do.

In all my dating years, it was always my experience that both tongues were to be back inside their respective mouths before the mouths close. He described something completely different. 

I knew that I would never want to kiss that way, and my reaction to his description probably insulted him. It wasn’t long before he broke things off, never having been able to articulate the something that “just didn’t feel right.”

I wonder if it was that we weren’t kissing compatible. And I wonder if we could have been happy in the long run without either of us getting the kissing we truly desired.

So, how important is kissing compatibility? Like any other aspect of a relationship, it’s as important as you want to make it. I’m sure I’ll feel the sparkles again, even if it takes a little practice to get there.

I’m a very shy person but that day I don’t know what came over me. Immediately after the introduction, I said: “This one looks like my future wife ooo.”

We all laughed but that was enough for me to get her number before leaving the campus.

I remember I didn’t call her for over a month until my friend went to visit her sister again and she gave him a message for me.

My friend said: “The girl you took her number the other day, she says if you won’t call her number, kindly send the number back to her.”

That night I called. She said: “You took your future wife’s number and wouldn’t call her? What sort of future husband is this? Don’t let me divorce you even before we get to the future.” It was all laughter that night. Two days later, I went to visit her on campus.

The weekend that followed, I took her out on a date. The weekend after that, she came home to see where I live.

From that day on, we met every other weekend. One day she asked me: “So what you said that day was the proposal, or I should look forward to another proposal coming in the future?”

She had a funny way of saying simple things and had a beautiful way to persuade you to do what you’ve not thought about doing.

That day I said: “Yeah that was the proposal or you want an official proposal.” She said, ‘Nanka’. That night I sent her a message, telling her how I felt the very day I saw her and how she makes me feel when she comes around.

I ended the message: “That’s why I want you in my life. I want you to be my girlfriend.” She responded: “You’ve been a kind man, so why not?”

So we began dating officially. I went to see her after work each evening. Sometimes, she would go with me to the house, and other times, we would just sit somewhere until late at night when I would leave.

One year later, she completed school. I was at her graduation. I had to speak to our HR so they’ll give her a chance to do her National Service at where I was working.

We were closer than we could imagine. We came to work together and left together each day together. After her national service, I proposed marriage.

She said: “I need to start working and make some money for myself before I can get married. I need to be able to support myself and support us.”

She made a lot of sense. We agreed the next time we discuss marriage would be when she had found a job for herself. Luckily for us, she found a job some months later.

I was waiting for her to bring up the topic but she never did. So six months or so after working, I said: “You’re working now so what are we waiting for?” She said, “When I said we should wait till I get a job, this is not the kind of job I had my mind on.

“You know this doesn’t pay well. It’s only for a start.” I asked: “So you’ll continue looking for a job?” She said, “Why not? I started looking for a new job the very day I started working here.”

I didn’t want to push for her to think I’m desperate about it but I was ready to provide for everything. I had saved for it and I was ready for it but you have to allow a woman to have her way.

They usually have the best intuition when it comes to these issues. A year later, she was still working at the same place. Two years later, she was still there, working. The pay wasn’t good she said, but she had been able to rent a new pace and furnish it.

Three years after working and over five years after dating, I brought the topic again: “Dear, we are not growing young again.

“If there’s something we have to do, this is the time. You earn enough to support yourself. Leave the rest to me and let’s get married.”

She said: “Why are you so obsessed with marriage. Everyday marriage, what is in a marriage that you’re always pushing for it? And what do married people do that we are not already doing? I said give me some time. Is that too much to ask?”

Obviously, she was frustrated but I didn’t understand her source of frustration. I kept mute and decided never to bring it up again.

Two months later all was fine and sweet between us. She came to visit and before she left she said: “I’ve been thinking about the marriage thing for some time now.

“It doesn’t look like I would like to marry anytime soon. There are so many rivers to cross and I haven’t even started. If you think marriage is what you want now, which I’m not ready for, then let’s break up so we don’t continue wasting each other’s time.” I asked her calmly, “How long do you have ahead of you before you decide on marriage? I can wait. I just want to know so I prepare my mind towards that.”

She responded: “There are no specifics. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know when I will like to marry.”

From there she changed drastically. She wouldn’t pick my call and she wouldn’t call back. Anytime I asked to visit her, she gave me excuses. When I’d gone there unannounced, I didn’t meet her—thrice it happened.

Once I met her and she was angry that I didn’t tell her that I was coming. I got the message so I was ready for anything that comes along. As expected, she called one day to tell me: “I don’t think this thing is working.

“Both of us have different dreams and different paths and it’s affecting us. I don’t want to continue again. It hurts but please understand me.” I said: “It doesn’t hurt.

“Not one bit. I saw the rains coming so I picked my umbrella.” She said: “Thanks for understanding me.” I said: “thanks for giving me a chance in your life.”

That’s how over six years of relationship came to an end. 

I’m a man but starting all over again felt daunting, looking at where we had come from, the obstacles we’ve jumped and the milestones chalked.

I didn’t know where to begin from. Do I have to go through all the years again, get to know the girl through and through before I propose marriage? Every step again? including the awkward phase of getting to know each other? That was hard.

I shelved my relationship life for the time being but guess what…

Our breakup was only nine months old when I saw their wedding photos. That day, I wiped a tear I didn’t see falling from my eyes.

Wow, being hit in the head with a hammer wouldn’t hurt like the pain I felt that day. I thought I’d moved on but seeing her smile in the wedding gown with another man as the husband brought back all the hurt I didn’t feel when she said it was over. “Wow. Life.” That was all I could say.

I sent her a message: “I thought you said marriage wasn’t part of the plan. Anyway, he looks like the perfect guy. I wish you well. Congratulations.” She responded: “Thank you.”

The actress in the video showed a stern face as she announced the break up with her boyfriend whose face was not revealed.

Jackie, in the video posted on Instagram, was heard yelling “it is over” despite apologies from the anonymous man as he threw a few dollars on the actress.

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In a quick U-turn, Jacqie replied smiling as she picked up the notes amid assurance of a second chance.

“Baby this is the last time, this is just one last chance,” she said.

Watch the video below:

Guru signed Wutah to his NKZ record label in 2017 with the vision to cement the legacy of the duo, who were household names in Ghana before their split up. (below)

READ ALSO: Photo: Efia Odo’s ‘hot’ bikini photo causes stir on social media

Wutah had hit songs such as Adonko, Big dreams, Gossy Gander, Burning desire, Kotosa among others and Guru thought it was wrong for them to continue the hiatus.

READ ALSO: Produce your own songs if you want to succeed – Article Wan

Fast forward, the Lapaz Toyota hitmaker is rumoured to have suffered some difficulties with the duo, forcing him to issue a lawsuit.

Guru has, on several platforms, attested to the fact that Wutah wasn’t living up to the task and dream he had in mind for them.

Reacting to this, former manager of the group, KOD said Guru’s decision to bow out of managing the group has vindicated him, he told Andy Dosty on the Daybreak Hitz on Hitz FM, Thursday.

ALSO READ: Video: Princess Shyngle pregnant?

KOD also said Wutah group had failed to live up to their brands as a music group that had so much potential.

“Big dreams was the biggest song then and it was our song for the very first world cup… Wutah stressed me than any act I’ve worked with. Wutah has always had issues. I always told them to look at the bigger picture. We don’t have to be friends to make money.

“Afriyie didn’t show up for some interviews even though you can’t dispute how talented he is. He is one of the best but his attitude brought the team down,” KOD said.

Source: Adomonline.com | Dennis K. Adu

“Important life pursuits, such as meaningful work or travel or big moves to pursue big dreams can get demoted as priorities, in favor of the romantic relationship,” says DePaulo. “When we see our friends’ romantic relationships crumble, suddenly the script seems iffy.” While you don’t necessarily need to break up if you feel like you haven’t dedicated enough time to your career, it’s good to channel this panicked feeling into something useful: like figuring out which areas of your life feel hollow.
2. You realize you gave up some great friendships for your now not-so-great relationship.
You’ve totally known that person who acted like your friendship was just a placeholder until they got into a relationship — and then you never saw them again except for the rare times their boo was out of town. Being in a relationship, even when you still prioritize your friends, makes it hard to pencil everyone in, and married couples statistically lose some of their social bonds in favor of their relationship.
“Our most important friendships often last longer than many romantic relationships or marriages,” says DePaulo. “If you follow the usual script and ignore your single friends once you get involved in a serious romantic relationship, you may just find that they are not so interested in being there for you after your relationship ends.” If you get nervous seeing your newly-single friend feel very alone because she abandoned all her friends in her last relationship, it just means you should make sure to keep your own personal network tight. Because breakup or not, having a balance of a great relationship AND great friends is so much better than investing everything into one boyfriend (it’s also much healthier).
3. You might just really miss the freedom of being single.
Having all your now-single friends hang out without you because you have date night planned can make your relationship suddenly feel a little oppressive. “When you see your single friends embracing their friends and their newly single lives, you are being reminded of what’s so great about friendship and about getting to choose who you want to see and when you want to see them, without worrying about what your partner might think or want,” says Dr. DePaulo.
Whether it’s your BFF having more friend time in her schedule, or more flexibility to pursue the hobbies she put on hold, singlehood can seem amazing if you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel free to do those things normally. Basically: if you’re going to date, get you a partner who doesn’t expect to have dinner every Friday night or get mad when you do stuff on your own.
4. It makes you wonder about hooking up with other people.
Witnessing your friend leave a relationship and then excitedly talk about all the hot hookups she’s having can make a sexual decline in your own relationship feel like the kiss of death. While it’s normal for a long-term couple’s sex life to experience ups and downs, if the idea of not having sex with them anymore immediately sounds appealing, that’s a big sign.
“It could [also] jolt you into reassessing in a bolder way, by considering whether it might be nice to just take a break for a while,” says Dr. DePaulo. “From sex and from romantic relationships.” If either hooking up with new people or not having sex at all becomes a preoccupying fantasy, you have your answer.
5. You wonder if you’re in a relationship only because you’re expected to.
Just like breakups can feel contagious, so can relationships – when all your BFFs suddenly shack up with new partners, it’s easy to feel the pressure to do just the same. If the same friends who entered relationships when you did are all broken up now, it can make you think about how much societal pressure played a role in your own coupling up.
But questioning the real reason you’re in a relationship, as scary as it feels, is never a bad thing. “When we start thinking about romantic relationships in more enlightened ways, maybe we will be less likely to jump into a dubious romantic relationship just because many of our friends are currently coupled,” says Dr. DePaulo.
Your friends breaking up doesn’t mean that you have to, or that all monogamous relationships are a sham. But when so many people divorce after seeing their friends do it, you start to wonder if they’re choosing what they’ve wanted for a while because it feels acceptable and okay to them now. All to say: go forth and date. Just keep your friends – single or not – close, and do what you want to do, not what everyone else is.

According to Victoria she has been going through a lot, especially with her family members, since her relationship with Kofi Adjorlolo became public, and she has now gotten to a point where she has to choose between her family and Kofi Adjorlolo.

Victoria told Peacefmonline.com that her father S.P Victor Mekpeh, a retired Chief Superintendent Officer of Ghana Prison Service has been against her relationship right from day one and had sworn never to give his blessing I f she decides to go ahead and marry Adjorlolo.

She said she was happy with Kofi but her happiness would never be complete if her family, especially her father is not part of it, stressing that she was put in a very difficult situation to choose between two old men- her lover Kofi Adjorlolo and her father and she decided to choose family over love.

“I just think that I want to make it up to my father and the reason is that, he hasn’t been in agreement with the wedding and the whole marriage thing going on between me and Kofi Adjorlolo. It is something that has always been at the back of my mind that my father is not in support of it. So I have decided to make my father proud and to let him know that I have listened to him and I don’t want the marriage to come between me and my father because he is one of the reasons why I am who I am today”.

She also disclosed that the main reason why her father is against her romantic relationship with Mr. Adjorlolo is their age difference.

“He knows me better and my father has been like my first boyfriend so I think he wants me to get someone younger. He said he is not comfortable with Kofi definitely because he is much older than I am”.   

Victoria however, insisted that this decision is her personal decision and not because of what people are saying or because of the things Counselor Lutterodt said about their supposed pending wedding.

“I would like to let someone know that this decision is not because of what Counselor Lutterodt said or what I have heard in the media, the comments, pictures, videos and every other thing concerning this news. I just want everybody to know that this decision has completely nothing to do with it. Its just my father being the other case beside all the social media issues and I just want him to be happy because without your father’s blessing your marriage can’t flourish”.  

She said Kofi Adjorlolo is aware that her father doesn’t approve their relationship, adding that this is the reason why their much anticipated wedding have been hanging for sometime now but she wants to end it all and move on.

“That’s why the wedding has being hanging all this while and I know a lot of people were expecting to see whether we were going to get married or not but whichever way, they thought something was coming and I also thought that I could still buy some time and see if my father would change his mind but he is still not happy so I want to make him happy”.