Double tapping, endless scrolling, screenshotting, zoom zoom zooming, liking, saving, retweeting, bookmarking, are basically what I do on social media, specifically on Instagram, Twitter, Reddit and OnlyFans.
These may seem like a to-do list. For me, it’s for pleasure. Truth is, when it comes to admiring women on social media, that’s where my deeper thoughts get activated. I do it with relish. Indeed, I admire women with the zeal that serious final-year students pursue their thesis.
The whole story began when my body started changing during my third year of university. It was always the boys. They would go like; “you have thicker thighs, if you had a smaller tummy you would be the next big thing.”
Some would also say “do squats, do tummy exercises, your waist would get smaller and your curves would pop”. To be honest, those comments began to consume my mind and to take over my body. Never had I stared at my naked self in a mirror. But I did.
I began to stare and touch, press and hold, feel and squeeze, twirl and pose, flex the muscles in my butt cheeks, jiggle my thighs just to see how those cellulite move. I would wonder whether I’m not beautiful enough? Yet I felt fine.
I would look online and find women who look like me, or somewhat like me. I would sleep on pages of women with body positivity attitudes (women who embrace their flaws) because I didn’t want anyone’s comments about my body to consume me.
As such, I watched over and over again, Ashley Graham’s Tedx Talks. It became a daily ritual. I now have a whole list of body-positive pages I follow. Therefore, my feed, especially on Instagram, is filled with women.
One day, after a session with my counsellor, I came to my hostel to take a power nap. I was seeing her because my soul needed some healing after my failed fourth real relationship in less than two years. Our subsequent sessions were based on sex in relationships and why I’ve had a number of failed relationships within a short time. In these relationships, none of my boyfriends saw the colour of my inner thighs. This changed after university though. And once I tasted, I drank deep.
During my period of curiosity, I was engaged in internet ‘sexcapades’ (a combination of ‘sex’ and ‘escapade’) on everything and anything sex. Switching apps from watching YouTubers talk about their ‘sexcapades’ and moving to Twitter, the Gemini in me wanted to explore even more. I wondered how these women looked without clothes on.
After watching videos of every woman having unique body features, I went onto Twitter to satisfy that curiosity. I stumbled on OnlyFans Content Creators who promote their pages on Twitter. I won’t classify that as porn. In my mind, I wanted to verify what YouTubers had said about women having different sizes and shades of areolas, different sizes, and shapes of the outer labia, as well as the vagina.
I would watch and watch and zoom and be like wow, God is good. Women are definitely a masterpiece. Women are a true definition of art. Are you sure God is not a woman. I guess She is.
Admiring women feels different. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s classified as being a lesbian. One thing is for sure, with my wild thoughts, I’d definitely stare gleamingly and in shock, want to touch and feel a woman when I happen to see one naked in front of me. All kinds of analyses would be running through my mind because she will look beautifully unique in my eyes.
The Cambridge dictionary defines a lesbian as a woman who is sexually attracted (attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest) to other women.
Does sexual attraction equate sexual admiration (Where you notice what’s sexually attractive about someone and find pleasure in those features) or mere admiration of the female features? I don’t know.
But would all those features a woman has, lure me sexually? The answer is an emphatic NO. Because when it comes to sexual satisfaction, I get it from the real DEAL.
Actually, the desire and sweet thoughts coupled with the anticipation that precede my sexual encounters lately, with someone of the opposite sex, gives me the assurance that I am not lesbian.
Sweet Like Fine Choco, is a writer and content strategist. She is also a sex enthusiast who blogs about anything and everything sex as a hobby.