Question: Hi! I am a 28-year-old man and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for the last two years. We are now thinking about taking our relationship to the next level and tie the knot since we are in love and have known each other for quite a while.
But one thing has been disturbing me a lot and I have been spending sleepless nights because of it. My girlfriend has had a very intimate relationship with an ex-boyfriend. They also had sex and my girlfriend told me all about their physical relationship.
I admire her honesty and transparency a lot but since she had told me about her sexual relationship, my affection for her has changed and I am struggling to accept the fact that my girlfriend had slept with some else besides me. I too had sex with girls before I met my current girlfriend but I haven’t told her anything about my past.
I seriously love this girl and am physically attracted and emotionally attached to her but her revelation about the past has really disturbed me a lot and the thought that she had sex with some other man keeps haunting my mind.
I even confronted her many times and picked a fight with her for sharing details about her past sex life. She should not have told me all that. What should I do? How do I forget what she told me? I am very disturbed and how can I marry her in such a disturbed state of mind?Â
—By Anonymous
Response by Dr. Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, first of all, congratulations on finding a person whom you want to share your life with, and who in your own words you are ‘seriously in love with.’ I think you should start focusing on this important fact of your relationship to exclude all other past events that you have no control over.
I can understand that the revelation by your girlfriend of her past affair can be very emotionally hurtful and numbing. But please do remember one crucial fact and that is, you were not a part of each other’s’ life then. It takes complete faith and trust in your partner to disclose these extremely personal and intimate details from one’s past. So ideally it has to be received with the same honesty and trust as the intention of the person divulging these details; it should be a demonstration of the level of security and maturity of your bond, rather than causing relationship anxiety.
Please do not needle your partner over this repeatedly as it is quite likely going to cause a deep sense of regret, lowered self-esteem and insecurity in her. Forgetting what she told you will be easier if you can change the focus to the fact that both of you are completely committed to each other for the present and the future., so what is in the past will not matter! If you are still finding it difficult to ignore these thoughts, then reach out to a mental health professional nearest to you, as Thought Stop Techniques or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you find a way forward.