Dear Coleen,
My husband and I are in our early 50s, we’re both fit and healthy, and look a lot younger than we are. We have two kids, who are young teenagers now and I feel blessed to have such a lovely family life.
My problem is, my husband and I used to have a really good sex life. We never had to try at all really and were so compatible in that department and it always happened naturally and was always great.
From the beginning of our relationship we were very close and loving, and it felt so special.
My problem is, things have gone stale.
Suddenly, sex feels like an effort with one of us usually too tired or busy with something else. I feel like we’re not as close as we were and wonder why we’re experiencing this now.
Sex was never an issue when our kids were tiny, even though we were exhausted from parenting. My mum friends used to complain all the time about the lack of sex or desire for sex after having kids, but this never happened to us.
I’m feeling very sad that our relationship isn’t what it was in our 20s, 30s and even in our 40s. What do you think?
Coleen says
I don’t think it’s unusual to get to this stage in life and encounter problems or worries around intimacy. The longer you’re together, the more you take things, and each other, for granted. Your kids are older now and more independent, so you have to start reconnecting as a couple again.
But you have to consciously make an effort to do that. It’s not enough to acknowledge it and talk about it – you have to follow through and make plans, and keep the momentum going.
So instead of sitting at either end of the couch watching telly, think about what you can introduce into your lives to help rebuild a bit of romance.
It might be taking turns to plan a night out once a week for just the two of you. At home you could have a night where you eat later than the kids, cook something a bit special, put on some music and talk. Plan some things that you liked doing before the kids came along – gigs, cinema, comedy nights, whatever it was you enjoyed.
Also, if you start talking about those times in the past and sharing good memories, it really helps to bring you closer. It’s important to work on romance and desire outside the bedroom in your day-to-day lives, then sex won’t feel stale.
I don’t think it’s a case of not loving or fancying each other. You’ve got too comfortable and stopped making the effort.
It’s time to throw away the comfy slippers and put on some sexy shoes!