Question: Hi! I am a 29-year-old married man and I have been married for just eight months. I am a software engineer and work in an MNC in Mumbai. My wife (we had an arranged marriage) is from my hometown, which is a small village in Karnataka.
She is a 24-year-old, well-educated and a very beautiful woman. I love her a lot and consider myself very lucky to be married to such a wonderful woman. However, my wife does not think very highly of herself. We came to Mumbai after staying for one week in our village after marriage. At first, my wife tried her best to adjust to city life. She used to meet our neighbours, attend any events organised by the residents’ society, and tried her best to socialise. However, most of the people would either try to be very helpful to make her feel at home or they would just laugh at her back. This is what she told me. Gradually she became very withdrawn and reclusive. So, I started introducing her to my friends and colleagues. But she seemed like a misfit in that crowd. She used to return home very depressed and rejected after any parties. She once said, “People think I am a village bumpkin. They find the way I talk and dress very amusing. Do you think wearing short dresses or talking in English with an accent makes you a modern woman? Why did you marry me if your society cannot even accept me?” Her words caused me a lot of pain. I tried to make her understand that it also took me quite a lot of time to adjust to city life and that she is unnecessarily being harsh on herself. But she is very stubborn. She seems to be suffering from low self-esteem. How do I help her? How do I make her understand? I cannot see her in pain. —By Anonymous
Response by Dr. Rachna Khanna Singh: Hi! Thanks for reaching out. This sounds like a tough situation to be in as a spouse and I can understand why it is troubling you. I’m sure that her blaming you and the society you live in doesn’t help with your relationship either. It sounds like you have put in a lot of effort into trying to make her see that not everyone thinks the way she does. I can understand why this troubles you, since you love her and want what is best for her as well.
Sometimes when people are upset by external causes, they can project them onto the people they are closest to. In this case, she feels rejected by the society you live in and blames you. It is important to remember that you are not the reason for her unhappiness. To approach this situation, have regular conversations with your wife and ask her questions about herself. For example, ask her to talk about what makes her happy, what she likes about herself, and what qualities she brings to situations. When she speaks, simply listen to her without interrupting. This will remind her that she is not what she thinks she is. Also remember, as a husband, there is only that much you can reassure her about herself. Low self-esteem is a very personal notion that can only be worked on by the person experiencing it. However, it is essential to empathise with her and let her know you are there to support her.