Dear Coleen,
About 20 years ago, I had a brief and very exciting sexual fling with a really hot guy, who’s a cousin of a good friend.
It didn’t last very long – he went travelling and then relocated abroad and now has a wife and three kids. I’ve been happily married for 15 years and we have one child together.
However, recently this ex relocated back to the area and I’ve seen him a couple of times around town.
The last time I bumped into him, he asked if I had time for a quick drink, so we went to the local pub for a couple of hours to catch up on the past two decades and it felt like a date.
I found I was still really attracted to him – there’s definitely a lot of sexual chemistry – and now I’m feeling weird about my marriage.
My husband is great, good-looking and very caring, but also a bit boring and now I’m questioning how happy I really am in my marriage.
It’s a nightmare seeing this other guy around and knowing there’s still something there between us.
Coleen says,
Well, maybe your hubby isn’t boring. Perhaps your relationship is in a rut. I honestly think if there’s sexual tension between two people it can be really powerful and make you feel very confused.
But just because you still fancy him and used to have great sex together, doesn’t mean you don’t love and fancy your husband.
And lusting after someone doesn’t mean you’ll work as a couple. I think if the relationship had been good in other ways 20 years ago – i.e. offered more than just good sex – then you wouldn’t have split up.
You would have found a way to make it work and you’d still be together now.
Think about what you have to lose by pursuing things with this guy – once the sexual chemistry stops fizzing, what else have you got?
So, my advice would be, don’t put yourself in the position of going for a cosy drink on your own with him again. At least not until you’ve tried to fix the relationship you’re in.
If you’re bored, do something about it. It takes two to get into a rut and it takes effort to get out of it. Focus on creating some romance at home and remember what used to light your fire.