Dear Coleen, I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for nine of those. I’m going to be 39 next month and we have a son, aged eight, and a daughter, aged five.
I’m not in love with him any more and want out of the marriage. This hasn’t been an overnight decision – I’ve been unhappy for a few years.
We had a big heart-to-heart about a year ago and I told him how I felt.
He was hurt and started making a big effort to please me, but it didn’t make any difference to how I felt, which is how I know it’s over for me.
It’s not about specific issues in the marriage (he’s a reliable partner and father), I’ve just fallen out of love and I don’t find him sexually attractive.
He’s a good person and I’m finding it hard to live with the guilt, and seeing him every day, knowing I’m going to hurt him badly. I’ve confided in a couple of good friends and their reaction didn’t help, as they seemed shocked and upset.
I feel like a terrible person. There’s probably not much you can say to make me feel better, but how can I move on in the best way?
Coleen says
You’re not a bad person – it’s just a really sad situation and you’re struggling with guilt because he hasn’t done anything terrible.
There’s been no affair and he’s been a good, reliable partner.
I think it can be harder to leave in these circumstances.
I’m sure your friends were sad to hear about how you feel and what you’re planning, but they’re not married to your husband. You can’t stay with him because leaving him will upset your friends.
If you want to separate as gently and kindly as possible, start thinking about how you could do it. Joint counselling sessions can be a good idea to help you through the process.
You don’t know how your husband will react. He may feel very angry and he might not be willing to make things easy.
But at the heart of this is your children’s wellbeing, so put them first when making any decisions.
We can’t force ourselves to feel something we don’t and if it really is over for you, it’s better to face it now than carry on for 12 years, which wouldn’t be right for you or him.
I’m sure the people close to you will support you both, once they know there’s no going back. Good luck.