Dear Coleen
I want to know whether I should be concerned about my partner’s relationships with other men or if it’s just my jealousy rearing its ugly head.
We met four years ago and discussed our sexual history. I was a late starter and have only been with 10 women, while my partner’s number is close to 100.
She admitted sleeping with a lot of these men for personal gain, be it for cash, gifts or holidays, which left me a little shell-shocked.
I put it down to the fact that she’s Russian and more direct than I am.
As a teacher of Russian, she has adult male students and has had sexual relationships with many of them, taking on some as a project, trying to help them find a Russian bride and, in the process, becoming intimate with them.
She’s also been flirtatious with married men (sexy texts, allowing them to be tactile with her) and, in one instance, she shared a hotel bed with one of them where she told me he “only touched me a little”.
She was abandoned by her father when she was a child and struggles to say no to men. When she does slip up, she justifies it to herself by telling me I’m overreacting.
She went on holiday with a friend and came back with a man’s number in her phone. She messaged him frequently, and said I was being silly when I asked about it.
On top of all that, she teaches at a private school and has no qualms about telling me that her fellow male language teachers look at her in a sexual way.
She is attractive and gets lots of male attention. She then tells me about them, as if to say: “I’ve still got it!”
Am I being overly sensitive? I love this woman like no other and don’t want to forbid her from taking on male students because then I look like a controlling fool. Do I just deal with it?
Coleen says
I’m not a psychoanalyst, but I think it’s possible her behaviour stems back to rejection from her dad. It sounds as if she likes to be in control of these men and maybe she’s also afraid you’ll abandon her, which might be why she enjoys telling you that other men find her sexually attractive.
But I think what she’s doing is wrong – she’s a teacher in a position of trust and even though these guys aren’t underage, it’s ethically dodgy and her career and reputation are at risk.
But I’m not sure she’ll change unless she speaks to a therapist and finds her self-worth. She’s not just a sexual being to men – she’s much more than that.
I think you have to concentrate on what you want. You love her, but you’re not happy or you wouldn’t be writing to me. You have to ask yourself, do you deserve more?
This relationship and your partner’s constant need for reassurance and approval from other men is damaging for your self-esteem.
However she tries to justify her behaviour, you’re not being controlling – you’re supposed to be in a committed, exclusive relationship and she’s playing by another set of rules.