The dilemma I am married and a grandmother. I visit a lady in the old age home every week. There I met, yesterday, a woman visiting – but she comes with her friend. I always go by myself. Sometimes I visit people in their homes on Sundays, people with challenges. But… I have no one to talk to. And nothing to do. Meaning I listen to lectures every day. And I walk every day. But relationships with people? Zero. It is a painful and devastating feeling. I could just disappear and no one would notice. Loneliness…
Mariella replies Thank you for writing. I’ve picked out your letter because it is the newest in my inbox, but not because it is unusual. Some weeks I feel like jumping on to a rooftop in a crowded city with a microphone and belting out that Beatles song Eleanor Rigby at the top of my lungs.
Luckily, for the public at large, I’ve managed to restrain myself thus far, having been blessed with a singing voice that can disperse any crowd no matter how enthusiastic in a few short bars. However, the poignancy of the lyrics shouldn’t be lost on any of us. “All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” could be the anthem of the 21st century. There are so many people out there who feel like you, adrift and abandoned, despite our ever-increasing population. For there to be family, friends and neighbours feeling isolated in our crowded country is shaming for us all.
Despite your own struggles you are out there trying to make a difference and it’s an example the rest of us should be following. Loneliness is epidemic, a state of affairs that MP Jo Cox was motivated and dismayed by before her murder. A Commission on Loneliness has been founded in her name, attracting a cross-party group of MPs and a large number of organisations that work with the most vulnerable in our society.
People do want to help. Not out of pity but because befriending someone and helping them feel like they are part of humanity, not set apart from it, feels good. This is the case whether it’s the new kid at school, the grandma you see on her own in the local café, the girl with a baby hanging around the playground or the recent divorcee whose invitations have dried up since she became an uneven number. A major and unnecessary obstacle is the stigma people feel about admitting to being lonely. In our social media-crazed society, being lonely can be seen as embarrassing. Try calling the Marmalade Trust on 07566 244 788, or the Silver Line on 0800 470 8090 for advice and support.
You say you are married and a grandmother, so I have to ask where your family is when you are feeling abandoned. Inadvertently you highlight a misperception about loneliness – that it can’t happen in a crowd. People in relationships, or children at school, or mothers with babies, can feel terribly alone, as can career men and women, widows and widowers and older people whose social lives have diminished as their friends pass away or they become ever more housebound. Thank heavens for Radio 4, which for many people is their only companion. It is one of the least recognised but most debilitating conditions, but with encouragement and support it’s very possible to alleviate. We may think our woes to be obvious for all to see, but that’s rarely the case so asking for help is never the wrong thing to do.
You’re already ensuring that others aren’t left on the periphery of life. Now you need to put similar energy into ensuring the same for yourself. Fixing most of our problems starts with recognising and then articulating them. You mention the woman making visits to the same old people’s home as you, but with her friend, so start by striking up a conversation with them. Don’t be afraid to admit that sometimes you feel as isolated as the people you come to see.
Despite this bleak climate of wall building and separation, across the country there are organisations and individuals with a far more inclusive, welcoming spirit. I don’t know where you live, but I am sure that no matter what part of the country or how small the community there will be initiatives that can help and friends to be made. Whether it’s cake baking or art classes, a book group, a bingo night or your husband remembering to have a conversation when he comes home, the first move (and the hardest) is to step out into the world determined to change your situation.
If your husband, children and grandchildren are within reach but not providing consolation it could be because they don’t understand how you are feeling. Let them know. Asking for help is frightening, but the rewards are well worth it. The world is full of potential friends, you just haven’t met them yet.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
Source: The Guardian