Dear Coleen,
I’ve fallen in love with a much older guy against my better judgment and I’m looking for some reassurance.
I’m 36 and he’s 59, and soon to turn 60. He’s really fit and young looking for his age, he’s divorced but doesn’t have kids, and if it weren’t for the age thing he’d be perfect.
Psychologically, I’m struggling with the idea of him turning 60 – I know it’s only a number, but dating someone in their 60s just feels different somehow and he suddenly seems older.
I know this probably sounds quite cold, but I don’t want to end up being his carer when I’m in my 40s and I also want to have kids, which he’s up for, too.
That surprised me, as I thought having children would be a deal breaker, especially as he’s not a father already and he and his ex-wife chose not to start a family.
The trouble is, I love him and care about him now, but I don’t think this nagging worry about his age will just disappear.
I’m pretty sure he’s going to ask me to marry him, so I know I need to decide what I want soon. Can you help?
Coleen says
My ex-hubby is 64 and doesn’t look it or act it, but you can meet 40-year-olds who are very set in their ways, so I think attitude is what keeps you young and engaged with life. But 24 years is a significant age gap, so if you have doubts you need to express them.
The way forward is, to be honest with your partner, confront those fears and talk about what the challenges might be in years to come and how you’ll cope.
For example, at 36, you’re at a point in your life when you need to think seriously about trying for a baby soon because you don’t know how long it’ll take or if there’ll be fertility problems.
He might be saying he wants children because he doesn’t want to lose you, but how will he cope with the challenges of being a new parent? Will most of the work be down to you and will that cause resentment?
I have a friend who married a man 25 years older than she is and when she hit 40 and he turned 65, they started to run into problems because he was content being at home, but she wasn’t ready to sit in front of the telly every Saturday night, and they broke up.
You’ve probably given your partner a whole new lease of life and you’re both in love, so you don’t want to think about any negative aspects, but it’s better to be prepared for the potential challenges, so don’t put off the conversation.