Question: Hi! I am 34-year-old woman. I got married to a man chosen by my parents at a very young age when I was still studying for my graduation. The age gap between me and my husband is 20 years and when I was newly married, he treated me like a child. However, he is not a bad person. He let me complete my studies and didn’t object when I said I wanted to pursue a career in interior decoration, although money was never a concern for him.
After completing my studies, I joined a firm and worked there for almost three years. Meanwhile, I started becoming less dependant on my husband as I got used to the city where we were now living, made new friends and what helped most was I was earning enough to support myself. I also learnt to voice my opinion.
As days passed by, the emotional distance between me and my husband too started to grow although he still was as supportive and kind as the day we got married. I tried a lot to build a connection between us because he is a gem of a person but somehow that spark was missing. It was an arranged marriage and for my parents, who belong to a lower-middle-class family, getting their daughter married to such an affluent man is quite a privilege. But 10 years after our marriage, I was no longer the meek and voiceless girl that I was earlier.
I told my husband and his family about how unhappy I was in the marriage and told him that I wanted a divorce. After a little hesitation, I finally succeeded in making him accept the reality. And within a year and a half, we got a divorce. But the problem now is, I feel very guilty. And somehow miss his presence in my life.
He is somewhat old and we talk over the phone regularly and meet quite often. We have even had sex on a few occasions. While I never enjoyed having sex with him while we were married, now the thought of being physically intimate with him makes me very excited. I am confused and sad. What should I do? Is it wrong to have sex with an ex-husband?
—By Anonymous
Response by Dr Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, it is possible that earlier you both may have wanted different things from your marriage and not having been able to resolve those differences, finalised on the divorce. However, like the old proverb warns us, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder!’. Upon reflection over time, many people do report reemergence of feelings for their spouses/ exes, especially after the bitterness and uncertainty of the separation are behind them.
Having shared hopes, experiences and situations together during your married life, there will always be a bond that both of you share, so conversations and companionship can come easily for the two of you. Like I had mentioned, it is also possible that resolving the differences between the two of you took the pressure off; and you managed to rekindle the romance, and as a result, you are able to enjoy the sex and physical intimacy more now.
As long as it is consensual, there seems to be no harm in having sex with your ex-husband. However, do keep in touch with the priorities and expectations that both of you have from this relationship so as to avoid any complications later on. Having a frank and truthful face to face discussion with your ex-husband in a neutral setting may help you clear up the doubts, and figure out the best way forward for both of you.