Dear Coleen
I’m a guy in my 30s and I recently started dating a really exciting woman who I’ve fallen hard for.
The thing is, I’m not sure I’m in the same league and worry she’ll get bored of me quite quickly and move on.
Also, she’s had quite a colourful sexual history compared to me. I’ve always been in monogamous, heterosexual relationships, while she’s had lots of lovers (male and female) and a much more open and easy-going view of relationships.
I have been honest that I’m quite boring and not into sleeping around – I’d never be unfaithful, for example, as that would be a deal breaker for me.
This hasn’t put her off and she gets it, but I can’t help worrying about what I’m letting myself in for.
Sometimes when we’re talking about ex-partners and she tells me stories about her past, it unnerves me and I can’t help wondering if she’ll cheat or just go off with someone else who’s more fun and break my heart.
I don’t want to spoil things by being paranoid, but do you think that we’re just a bad match and that she’s always going to be seeking thrills?
Coleen says
When you get into a relationship, no one can ever be totally sure the other person isn’t going to break their heart. But I think you’re setting yourself up for failure here – you’re worrying about something that may never happen.
If we all avoided relationships based on what “might” happen in the future, none of us would be in one.
You’ve been honest with her about your past and about what your values are, and it hasn’t put her off.
Maybe she’s had more lovers than you because she never actually met someone she’s liked enough to commit to. But perhaps she thinks it might be different with you.
She’s been open with you, but I think it’s a mistake to judge the future of your relationship based on her previous lovers, especially when things are still pretty new and you’re still getting to know each other.
It’s OK to admit you’re a bit intimidated because your sexual history seems dull compared to hers, but I wouldn’t sabotage things before the relationship has even got going.
And just because you haven’t racked up the same number of lovers doesn’t mean you’re not exciting in bed.