Dear Coleen,
Since I split up with the father of my daughter about three-and-a-half years ago, I have continued to see him socially and on a few occasions we’ve slept together.
I don’t want to get back together with him, but the sex is good. I also see another guy with whom I have an on/off relationship, so my love life is very messy and not going anywhere.
I don’t know why I keep either of these men around but I think both of them would like more from me.
My ex keeps saying we should “try again” and I know the other guy would like a more committed relationship, too. I just don’t know what to do – I seem to be drifting through life without any direction.
My daughter is happy and my ex is a good dad, and I work, my parents help with childcare and I have a good network of friends.
It’s almost easier to just carry on the way things are, but I know it’s not good for anyone in the long term.
Why can’t I move on and what should I do? I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says,
I don’t think you will be able to move on in a meaningful way unless you go cold turkey and cut the cord with both these guys. With them around, there’s no space or opportunity to meet someone else and have a relationship.
When it comes to your ex, you obviously split up for a good reason and don’t want to get back together with him, so you need to limit contact to issues relating to your daughter. You sleep with him occasionally so of course he’s going to think you want more, unless you tell him otherwise.
As for the other guy, this relationship has been on/off for some time and if it was going to develop into something serious, then it would have done so before now.
I don’t know why you’re keeping these men around at arm’s length. Maybe it’s a confidence issue or you’re scared of getting involved in something else that might actually mean something. Perhaps you’re worried about being on your own?
But what I do know is, if you keep these men around, sleeping with them occasionally, you’ll never give yourself the chance to move on and meet someone who could be great for you.