Dear Coleen, I’m a gay man in my 30s and, for some time now, I’ve been having a relationship with a guy who’s married to a woman. They don’t have kids, but I’m eaten up with guilt over the affair.
My lover says he doesn’t know what he wants in the future and hasn’t defined his sexuality, he just knows he loves being with me and doesn’t want it to stop.
He claims he’s never had a gay relationship before, which makes me think he’s experimenting with me to see how it feels and where it leads.
I feel really bad for his wife – they’ve been married for four years – but, equally, I’ve really fallen for this guy and we work on every level.
I keep hoping that my boyfriend will realise that he wants to be with me and ends it with his wife. But we’ve been seeing each other for a couple of years now and there are no signs of this happening.
Maybe he’s bisexual and just wants the best of both worlds? Every time I try to get him to talk about his sexuality and how he sees his future, he just shuts me down.
So, what do I do – walk away from someone I’m in love with or hang in there and hope he eventually makes the decision to be with me?
I’m not proud of the situation I’ve found myself in, but I’m struggling to know what to do.
Can you help?
Coleen says
You’re struggling because you know what you should do, but you can’t bring yourself to do it because you have feelings him.
You know this affair isn’t right and, if you continue, someone’s going to get hurt and it will probably be you. And, if his wife finds out about the affair, then it will be devastating for all involved.
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Whether your boyfriend is struggling with questions over his sexuality or not, he’s still cheating on his partner.
He’s being dishonest with her and himself, and he should end the marriage if he does want to experiment sexually and be free to sleep with other people.
Also, do you really want to be a “test run” or an “experiment” while he works out what he wants from the safety of his marriage?
I think you should end the affair and give him the opportunity to work out what he wants.
Of course, he might stay married and carry on having affairs with men.
I get how hard it is to close the door on someone you love and who you desperately want to be with, but this man isn’t free to have a relationship with you.
Think about yourself and what you deserve in the future – surely that’s someone who can commit fully to you and wants to live his life honestly?