A few months ago I found out my husband was having an affair and it had been going on for some time.
I went crazy and threw him out initially, but he ended the affair, was full of remorse and begged for another chance.
The thing is, I love him, but I was so furious with him and I still am.
I ended up starting some kind of revenge affair with a man I met online just to complicate things further.
The sex is great, but I don’t love him and I feel bad afterwards because I know I’m doing it to hurt my husband.
I have no idea where I’m going to go from here.
Everything feels very messed up – can you help?
Coleen says,
It’s not making you feel better, is it? Yes, you’re angry, but trying to deal with it by having meaningless sex with a guy you don’t love isn’t the way to process it. Essentially it’s hurting you because you feel terrible about it afterwards.
It’s a big mess and I think the only way to deal with it if you want to stay together is to be completely honest with each other about your extramarital shenanigans, wipe the slate clean and commit to having relationship therapy.
Your husband got the ball rolling with his affair, so why did he do it? Would he do it again? You need to work out why your marriage was vulnerable to this and see if you can overcome the issues. As I’ve said many times, an affair is usually the symptom of a relationship in crisis as opposed to the cause of the crisis.
You might realise in therapy that you can’t save the relationship, but hopefully, you’ll understand better what went wrong and you’ll be supported through a separation.