Dear Coleen
I’m feeling nervous writing this letter, but I think you know what you’re talking about, so here goes.
I knew my husband for a couple of years before we married when I was 36 and he was 37. I was convinced, and still am, that this man is the one for me in many ways. With this in mind, I am keen to keep fighting for our marriage, which has lasted almost a decade.
I found him sending explicit messages to someone called Sam two years ago. I confronted him back then and we decided to move past it because we were very much in love.
While it has been hard to trust him since then, I felt it was something I could forgive and move on from.
Last week, however, I was approached by “Sam” at the gym we both go to, who told me everything they’d been talking about and said he wanted to get it off his conscience.
Yes, “Sam” turned out to be a man.
I had never considered the possibility that the person my husband was texting was male.
Doe this mean my husband is gay?
This changes things for me and I simply can’t look at him with the same adoration I used to. Do I confront him? Do we go back to therapy for the fourth time and try to fix this? Or is it simply too much for our relationship to handle?
I want to support and love him forever, but I don’t want a gay husband.
Coleen says
You must confront your husband. Tell him Sam approached you at the gym and see what he offers up as an explanation. This happened to two friends of mine who were in heterosexual marriages and found out years later that their partners were gay.
First of all, if it turns out that your husband is bisexual or gay, it doesn’t take away the fact that he loves you. But he has to be honest with you.
If he does admit he’s had a sexual relationship with this guy, the main thing to do (and I know this is hard) is to stay calm. If he finds the courage to open up to you, then hear him out.
You’ll feel angry and will need support yourself. But try to find empathy for him because it must have been difficult to lie to you and to not feel able to be who he really is. He may have grown up surrounded by homophobic attitudes and not felt able to come out.
I don’t see why you’d want to try to make your marriage work if he is gay – what’s the point? Both of you will be unhappy. But you can stay friends – both my mates were able to remain close to their former partners.
It’s a sad situation for all concerned, but I suspect if you’ve been in therapy three times already, the problems probably stem from the fact he’s been struggling with his sexuality for years.