Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner since 2016 and we got engaged a year ago, and are due to get married in August.
Although we’ve had ups and downs like most couples, I would say our relationship has been good and we’re close.
So I was blindsided when he confessed recently to having a short-lived affair two years after we got together, while I was away staying with my sister.
He said it like it didn’t matter because it meant nothing and our relationship was quite new.
Well, it wasn’t – we’d been seeing each other for two years!
It was with a girl he knew through work and it only lasted a couple of weeks, so he claims.
To be honest, I don’t know what to believe any more as my trust in him has been destroyed – it’s like I don’t even know him.
He says it’s been eating away at him and he didn’t want to walk down the aisle and say his vows without me knowing.
He wouldn’t tell me much about the girl, only that she left the company and he hasn’t stayed in touch with her.
I feel shattered and have been crying myself to sleep. How can I marry him now?
No one in our family knows and it would break their hearts.
I’m so angry with him and need advice on how to handle it.
Coleen says
Well, he’s done a big guilt dump, so now you have to deal with it.
I imagine he’s relieved the cat’s out of the bag and hopes you’ll just move on and that’ll be an end to it. We all know (apart from him, it seems) that it’s not that easy!
Be very clear that you will never be able to trust him again unless he starts talking to you about what happened and why it happened.
There’s no way he can expect you to walk happily down that aisle and marry him unless you unpack this and feel confident that you can move on and still want to be with him.
Putting the wedding plans on hold or pushing the date back will give you the time you need to work through it.
I’d also suggest relationship therapy to support the process. And don’t worry about upsetting your friends and family – you can’t go through with a wedding just so you please others.
Marriage is an important step and you need to be 100% sure that your heart’s in it and he’s fully committed before you both take the leap.
You need time to work out what you want without a looming deadline.
Don’t feel pressured into getting married and don’t do it at all unless it’s what you both really want. Good luck