Dear Coleen,
I’m a woman in my 30s and I have two children with my husband. We’ve been married for six years and we were together for a couple of years before that.
Right now, I feel at my wits’ end because I discovered he’s been having an affair with a woman who’s in her 20s.
I made the mistake of searching for her via social media and she’s insanely glamorous, thin and pretty – basically everything I used to be when I first met my husband and before I had kids.
I feel so humiliated and my self-esteem is crushed.
He’s moved out now and is living with his parents, and he’s seeing the kids at the weekends.
His mother picks them up and drops them off, so I don’t have to see him. I can’t bear to be anywhere near him at the moment.
I think he wants to make a go of it with this girl and to be honest, I don’t think I could forgive him anyway.
I can’t believe he’s done this to us – my kids are totally confused and upset – and he doesn’t even seem to be that sorry. What’s that all about? His mum keeps telling me not to get so angry, which makes me want to punch her in the face (not that I ever would).
Have you any words of advice to help me get through this?
Coleen says,
It sounds like he’s so caught up in this affair that all sense and sensitivity have gone AWOL. I think he probably does feel guilty, so he’s using the ‘best form of defence is attack’ approach.
I’ll be honest, this situation is hard – my first husband had an affair when we had two young children at the time and it was gut-wrenchingly painful.
What helped me beyond anything else was having counselling.
It gave a voice to all that rage and hurt and it helped me to see things more clearly – and to see light at the end of the tunnel. It takes time, though, so you have to commit.
Don’t compare yourself to the other woman – I know it’s like a scab that you can’t help picking, but it’s not good for your mental health and there’s no benefit whatsoever.
Come off social media altogether for a while, so your ex and this woman aren’t in your world at all.
I think it will also help you to get advice from a solicitor – taking these steps will put you in control and will give you more confidence.
Focus on your children and making their lives as stress-free as possible in this situation.
And believe that you will get through this with support from your friends and loved ones.