We call him Alhaji because he has something in his hands. He had money to give any time he came along. It’s not only me that he gives money to. If you approach him sincerely with your problems, he would help you. Because of this, everyone in our community has something good to say about him. He has helped me a lot. Even in times that I didn’t need help, he pushed his favour on me.
It got to a time when I realized there was an agenda behind his kindness to me. I felt it in the way he talked to me, in the way he called my name and how he always wanted to be in my space.
He’s married with three kids but he isn’t that old, maybe six years older than I am. When his advances towards me became obvious, I started pulling the marriage card; “But Alhaji, you’re married. See how beautiful your wife is. What else can I give you that your wife can’t give you?”
He reminded me of the ability of Muslim men to marry more than one wife; “Are you not a Muslim? Are you not aware that we can marry more than one woman? You’re different. There is a lot you can bring to my life that my wife isn’t doing. I’m not saying my wife is a bad woman. She’s a great woman but she has limitations. That’s where you shine.”
I didn’t have any issue becoming a second wife and I didn’t think my parents would have problems if I became a second wife, if only the right process would be followed. I told him the same thing and charged him to do the right thing. The right thing here means he should talk to his wife about it. If his wife agrees to it, then I would be happy to say yes to him. He asked me to be his girlfriend first and I agreed.
The mistake I did was listening to my heart and not my mind. I followed my heart to a corner where I fell deeply in love with him to the extent that I was ready to do anything with him even though my demands hadn’t been met. He was giving me a monthly allowance. He helped revamped my shop and restocked it. My life was beautiful because of him and the least I could do was to give him whatever he wanted. We started spending nights together in hotels. I travelled with him often and he introduced me to people as his second wife.
It didn’t feel right but I couldn’t leave him. I was only pushing him to do what was right. One day he told me his wife had accepted the idea of a second wife so he would like to start the process of marriage. You can imagine how happy that made me feel. He came to see my parents and initiated talks of marriage. My parents also accepted him and decided to make things easier for him to be able to marry me.
One late night, I had a call. Alhaji was with me. The voice asked, “Can I speak to Alhaji?”
How can someone call my phone asking to speak to Alhaji? Doesn’t the person have Alhaji’s number? I asked who she was and she answered, “I’m his wife and I know he’s with you that’s why he’s not picking up my calls.”
I gave the phone to him and it was fireworks on the phone. I heard the woman crying and asking him why he was doing that to her. He was shouting at her and the woman was also shouting back. My heart was beating faster while my mind was full of questions. Immediately he cut the call I asked how his wife got my number. He answered, “She knows about you and might have picked up your number from my phone.” The next question was, “I thought you said…” He retorted, “Yes I said she had accepted because she did but I don’t know why she’s changing her mind now. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her. It’s my home issue and I’ll handle it.”
Two days later his wife called again. She spoke to me softly, almost pleadingly; “Don’t allow him to lie to you. I married him when he had nothing. He’s who he’s now because of my family. If I walk away, which I will if he forces you into our marriage, I will walk away with everything and he would be a bare bone. From the onset, we agreed I would be the only wife. He knows it and he knows a second wife won’t work so if you want your peace, find another man.”
I thanked her for her advice and hang up the call. A couple of days later she called again. Alhaji was with me. She asked to speak to him and I lied that he wasn’t with me. She said, “Are you lying to me? I thought I’d given you enough respect to deserve a certain level of respect back. Why are you lying? Oh really? I can hear him breathing next to you. Tell him I need him in the house in the next hour.”
When she called the last time she sounded like a wounded lioness, ready to devour everything in her way. “I’ll make life uncomfortable for you,” She said. “If you won’t listen to me. Go ahead and allow him to play with your head. There are consequences.”
I told Alhaji everything and he said, “She’s a woman. She won’t go down without putting up a fight but once she realizes she can’t do anything about it, her fire will douse down and we’ll be fine. Trust the process and leave the rest to me.”
I’ve had the chance to reflect on everything that’s happening. I think his wife is right. I would have done the same if I were in her shoes. So I’ve decided to walk away from the relationship and stay on my own where I would have peace. My life has been turbulent since I was a child. I won’t invite the rowdy waves into my life now that I’m grown and can take charge of my own life. I spoke to my parents about it and they said no. My dad especially; “A woman can’t decide for her husband. It’s the husband who decides so why won’t you trust the man instead of being scared of something that will die soon?”
My mom spoke to me like a mother would do yet pushed me to stick around Alhaji. “Women will bark but when the man decides to do what he would do, the bark will stop at some point.”
My parents are now on the side of Alhaji pushing me to stay with him. I love him but I can’t thrive in chaos. I will do what his wife is doing if I were in her shoes. I want to run away. I want a place where all these won’t matter. Alhaji is getting angry at me, calling me ungrateful. He thinks I don’t believe in his authority that’s why I’m scared of his wife. He wants to travel with me but I decline. He wants to spend the night with me but I give him excuses. He comes by the shop often and he sees what’s lacking and he provides. I’ve told him not to bother but he thinks he has gone too far with me to let me go.
Where can a woman in my shoes run to? The last time his wife called, I told her I’d left the picture and she believed me. She has stopped calling and I want it to remain like that. My problem now is my parents and the insistence of Alhaji. How do I knock them off my back without losing my sanity? How do I keep the love of my parents when they’ve proven beyond measure that they would love me better if only I say yes to Alhaji? I love Alhaji but I can’t love the chaos he’s bringing into my life. How do I cut him off?
–Farida