Dear Coleen
My ex left me and our two kids last summer. Even though he’d been a hopeless partner throughout our 12 years together, including having several affairs, I was still devastated. It’s taken me ages to pick myself up and get my life back on track.
I’m finally doing OK and have even started dating again via an app. I haven’t met anyone special yet, but I’m getting out there and enjoying meeting people and going out on dates.
Now, though, my ex has been in touch, saying he wants us to try again. He says he’s realised he made a big mistake leaving me and that he’s changed and wants to prove it to us.
The thing is, I’ve heard this story before – after every affair – but then things just went back to how they’d always been. How can I trust that it would be different this time?
We’ve only been in touch about childcare arrangements and I’ve been clear with him I won’t take him back. I want to move on positively with my life, but how can I while he’s around?
I worry I’ll give in at some point, even though I know taking him back is a really bad idea.
I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
Well, he seemed pretty happy with his decision until you started dating again and looked like you were moving on with your life.
It’s a familiar story, I’m afraid – he’s not sure he wants you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you either!
I understand it’s difficult when you have children together – I was in this situation when my first marriage broke up and I felt guilty for a long time that my kids were from a “broken home”.
However, I realised what’s best for the children is that their parents are happy, even if that means they can’t
be together.
Look, you’re doing great and it can only get better from here on, and if you took him back because he’s realised the grass isn’t greener, then you’d be doing yourself a disservice.
You might not have the courage and the confidence to get to this point again and you’ve done the hard bit.
If it’s a case of asking a friend or a relative to drop off and pick up the kids, do it until your ex accepts your relationship is over. Talk to friends and family, and get support from them.