Question: I have been in a relationship with my childhood friend from the last 6 years but I am not sure whether I should marry her or not. Problem is that she is obese and is not very good looking.
I also have an affinity towards beauty but I know that inner beauty is everything. She is caring, loving and treats me well. I like her emotionally and in the past have tried to break up with her but could not do so because of her selfless love. Last month we both revealed our relationship to our respective parents; my parents are not happy with her because of her weight, however, her parents have readily agreed to our relationship. I have discussed the same thing with her and also told her that I get attracted to beautiful girls. I am in a big dilemma and she had told me that she would agree to whatever I decide. I am very confused about this relationship. Please guide me. I shall be highly obliged for your guidance. —By Anonymous
Response by Ms Akanksha Pandey: Relationships have many stages and it evolves over time. Similarly, the human perspective and needs changes with age and thus influence decisions.
It is natural to give importance for physical appearances, but over a period of time that won’t stand as top priority. But other factors, which lead to a good compatibility between partners, like decision making style, emotional reciprocity, values, responsible thinking, mutual respect etc shall determine the longevity of it. These can be understood only by giving mutual opportunity and exposure to know each other.
The first step of the problem solving starts with identifying and acknowledging the problem. Here the problem seems to be the lack of clarity leading to dilemma. Decision making must not be done when you lack clarity. So, I would not suggest you to make any decisions in this state of dilemma.
When in confusion, one must take a pause. Taking a break from relationsip but keeping the friendship intact might help you to get clearer perspectives. The most important factor would be transparent communication with your partner and family about your decision.
Marriage related decisions should be made with confidence, not because it has to be perfect but to get a sense of responsibility to deal with whatever that comes to you. Don’t be in a haste to come to any conclusions, take your time to first understand yourself. Allow yourself some space to know yourself and your needs. This will help you with better decision making.
Ms Akanksha Pandey, Consultant Psychologist, Fortis hospital Bangalore