Question: Hi! I am a 38-year-old married woman and my husband is 42 years old. It’s been a couple of years since we have been facing some turbulent times in our sex life. To be honest, we had some differences since our marriage but these differences seem to have grown bigger with time. It seems I have a bigger libido than my husband and my desire to have sex is much stronger than him. Initially, I was made to believe that women are not supposed to enjoy sex as much as men. Owing to this, I used to even feel guilty for my heightened sex drive. But slowly I understood that this is not true and gradually I started explaining my desires and demands of my body to my husband. When nothing worked, I just took it for granted and continued playing the role of a ‘good’ wife. Doing so has only made me more irritated and dissatisfied. Now, I have a strong craving for sex weekly while my husband needs it only monthly. I am so sex deprived and unhappy. The thought of having a physical relationship with some other man has crossed my mind but I do not want to cheat on my husband. I have talked to my husband about my strong desire to have sex but nothing seems to work. How do I stop my desire to have sex? Is there any solution to this situation. Please help me.
—By Anonymous
Response by Dr Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, the sexual drive of each individual undergoes a natural variation with time. In addition to this, it is also affected by the attitude of the person towards sex, chemistry with the partner, stability of the relationship and the prevalent socio-cultural norms. So there may be times during which many couples may experience a libido mismatch.
Usually having an open-minded, honest, non-confrontational, non-judgmental discussion, while being open to feedback will usually help in ensuring that both of you are on the same page and may help in resolving the issue. However, if this approach has not worked, reaching out to a sexologist or a counsellor for couples therapy may provide both of you the secure environment required to focus on the troubled areas in your relationship and any perceived dissatisfaction. Do consider the following alterations in your approach towards sex which may help satiate your desire:
Shift attention from penetrative sex to experiencing the highest amount of pleasure with your partner by focusing on sensuous touch. Sensate focus exercises may help in this.
Performance Anxiety may cause lowering of the libido in some individuals. So taking the pressure off your partner, giving as well as accepting constructive feedback, and sometimes taking the initiative may also help
Try and rekindle the romance in your relationship, as having spontaneous and unstructured intercourse may be more comfortable for some; instead of on-demand intercourse
Problems with sexual desire and libido incompatibility are quite common and respond well to therapy, so do not be disheartened and reach out to a counsellor or a sexologist nearby.