Question: Hi! I am a 24-year-old woman and it has been just six months since our marriage. I have been facing a very difficult and embarrassing situation. We have consummated our marriage but my husband doesn’t seem to be sexually satisfied.
We had sex on the first night of our marriage, which was also the first time for me because I had never had a sexual or physical relationship before. It was a little awkward for me and to be honest I did not enjoy the act at all.
It turned out to be totally opposite of what I had read about in novels or what my friends had told me. So, after the initial disappointment, I have been having a hard time having sex with my husband. Unfortunately, my husband also noticed my discomfort and inhibitions.
To tell the truth, I grew up in a very conservative and strict household where sex or any discussion around it was considered vulgar. So, I am really uncomfortable about this. Plus, I found the entire act very embarrassing and the experience made me very frigid.
My husband was patient and understanding for a while but recently he seemed to have changed. Last week, when we were having sex, he suddenly withdrew and said, “You don’t know how to have sex nor do you know how to satisfy a man. I cannot keep trying always.” It totally broke my heart.
I don’t know what to do. I agree to what he said that I don’t know how to have sex. How do I learn it? Or how do I change myself? What should I do now? Please help me because my marriage is on the verge of falling apart. –By Anonymous
Response by Dr Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, it is estimated that approximately one in three women may experience sexual unresponsiveness during their lifetime. Often however, personal inhibition, a negative attitude towards sex, societal taboos and a lack of knowledge may prevent a person from asking for help.
Sexual intimacy is built not only on the basis of biological responses, but also on the pleasure experienced by the person and their partner. Over time, the familiarity, trust, confidence in our partners increases; along with an understanding of each other’s turn-on and offs. This would help make the experience more pleasurable.
Fear of rejection and/or negative feedback by one’s partner can, on the other hand, lead to a heightening of anxiety. So having an open-minded, non-confrontational and non-judgmental discussion with your spouse about this and getting his feedback would prove beneficial.
Sensate-focus exercises or Pubococcygeal muscle exercises can help.
Sometimes counselling may be required to help with the anxiety. Reaching out to a doctor or a counsellor nearby as they may also be able to address any specific doubts you have, will be a good idea.