So it happens. You finally do it after analysing your decision for days or weeks. You thought about all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t the best.
You told your friends that you were thinking of breaking up with him. That you would be the one he would do it first, finally pulling the chute on the relationship.
You prepared what you were going to say.
Finally, you did it. You broke it off with your boyfriend and you were not going to look back. You reasoned that he was not the guy for you and you deserved better.
Why Am I So Sad and Feel Terrible After Breaking Up With Him?
But you didn’t count on the flood of feelings you would be having and now you are wondering if you are one of those girls who broke up with their boyfriend but still loves him.
You find yourself wondering if he misses you, because you certainly are missing him.
You may feel like an idiot, not knowing why you aren’t more relieved to be away from your boyfriend. This is not how you expected to feel.
Inside you are thinking, “I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I feel terrible and it hurts not to have him in my life”.
The whole thing is like a blur. One moment you want to throw him out of your life and the next moment you are besieged with these feelings that you can’t live without him, fussing over how much he is missing you because you sure as heck miss him.
The deed is done and you are not even sure what you should feel much of the time.
Should you feel guilty, or relieved, or sad? Is it wrong that you still want him after ending it and why do you feel so sad after ditching him?
Does the above sound familiar to you?
So, if YOU broke up with HIM and you now find yourself missing him and wanting him back, this article is going to be dedicated to you. We are going to talk about 5 main things that you need to know to understand your plight and progress forward.
- Why Do You Miss Him and Still Love Him After Breaking It Off With Him?
- How To Know If He Misses You Enough To Come Back To You
- How To Deal With the Regret of Ending the Relationship Prematurely
- Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place
- What Can You Do To Repair The Damage Done
But if you are really thirsty for an abbreviated answer to why you feel the way you do after dumping your ex boyfriend, then consider this:
Your confusing set of feelings and emotions since you broke up with your ex is influenced not just by your complicated past history with him, but also how the biology of how your mind and body react to this event.
But for you to fully understand what is happening to you since you told him it was over, you need to read the rest of this article because we are dealing with the dynamics of relationship science!
Why Do I Miss Him Because It Felt So Right to Break It Off?
Let’s start off with the obvious one here. What is the whole reason you’ve found yourself here reading this article?
You miss him, right?
You precipitated a breakup but now you realize you still love him, right?
You broke it off with your ex-boyfriend and now it hurts badly and you have no clue where to put all this pain.
All this has to mean you were meant for each other, right?
Awwwww.
But You Broke Up With Him and you were quite sure it was the right thing to do at the time.
And now you regret it. So what gives?
Awwww!!
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
We’ll talk about the regret later.
For now, we’re going to talk about the missing part, specifically you missing him and why in the heck these feelings you were not anticipating seem to control you like a puppet.
After a breakup, it is only natural for you to miss your ex-boyfriend.
Yes, even if you were the one to break up with him.
Let’s talk about the reasons that you may miss him, even after you initiated the split up.
If you’ve seen the show “This Is Us” you know that the kids are nicknamed The Big Three.
How is this relevant?
Well, it’s not really relevant at all, but I am going to give you “The Big Three” when it comes to missing your ex.
I’ve been researching and writing a lot about missing your ex lately and I’ve come to believe that there are three things that can really influence why we feel the way we do after leaving our ex.
The Big Three Influencers are:
- The Science of Relationships and Breakups
- The Habits and Routines of Your Time With Your Ex-Boyfriend
- The Addiction That Exists Between You and Your Ex-Boyfriend
There is an interesting thing about the Big Three. They all are intertwined. They all go hand and hand and affect each other. Like one big happy family, like the gang from “This Is Us.”
Hey, I guess that did have a point after all!
Whenever you think, “Does He Miss Me. Does He Still Love Me. Why Do I feel so terrible. Why does it hurt so much”, I want you to think about The Big Three.
In order to do that, you need a brief overview of these influences on our mind and body.
1. The Science of Relationship Breakups
Science tells us that it takes on average about 66 days to break a habit.
Remember, your addiction to your ex or your relationship routines was initially formed from habits. You and your ex-boyfriend would do certain things together on or around the same time.
These activities would form a sense of structure that would carry you through the day. There is usually a certain sense of security and constancy associated with having a routine.
Take that away, then suddenly you are not quite sure what to do or feel. It is like something is missing from your life. And that would be true. Something you use to do or count with your ex, without even thinking about it, is suddenly gone and that can make you feel vulnerable.
It’s not like your ex-boyfriend was awful to you in every respect. There are undoubtedly many things he did for you or said to you or did with you that you appreciated and valued and sometimes you don’t see those things clearly until they are carved out of your life.
Breaking up with him can quickly carve out those things from your life that you use to routinely enjoy and appreciate. But often you won’t realize all of this until they are literally absent from your daily routines.
Therefore, it will take you at least 66 days to break habits such as:
- Thinking about him
- Wanting to know about him
- Talking to him and really being heard
- Enjoying being held and supported by your ex-boyfriend
- Exploring new challenges with him
- Feeling emotionally and physically secure by being in his presence.
So, this also means that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex and for your ex to miss you for at least 66 days. It could take more time or less time, remember 66 days is an average based on a study that was performed. But you get the idea.
Now wait a minute, you just heard me say that he misses you too.
But he probably hasn’t told you that yet or you’ve been dying to know if he does.
One part of your brain is telling you that he certainly couldn’t miss being around you because after all you dumped him. You are the one that broke it off. Indeed, you may have unceremoniously ended things in the worst way possible. So if these things are true, why would he care a lick about you?
Wouldn’t it be more likely that your ex-boyfriend is trying to erase you from his memories and has put you far away from his mind? Well, some of that could be true too. But trust me, he will come to miss you as those emotions that are pulling on your heart will influence him too.
So, let’s talk about why he misses you.
And I promise you, he will miss you.
2. Your Habits and Routines are Stepping Stones for Relationship Addiction
Habits are formed by repeating the same activity over and over again. And if you and your boyfriend were together for a good amount of time then you both will have spent some quality time doing things that get embedded in your mind.
Some of these activities may be very memorable and by sharing them together, you are in a way wedded and connected by the experience.
So not only are we talking about stuff you and your ex-boyfriend used to do a lot, but we are also talking about the magnitude of the experience this thing had in your lives. Some habits are more impactful than others and leave a mark.
Addictions are formed from habits. Basically, that is when you do something so much that you find it very difficult to stop.
There can be good and bad addictions. Right now, we are talking about good addictions. Hugging, cuddling, or making love can fire off rewarding chemicals which will make you feel so good, it will cause you to form a habit or routine of repeating that experience.
But your habits with your ex-boyfriend were not all about intimacy and sex. There are many things you did together that brought you joy. Or maybe not even joy, but was done because it needed to be done.
The first time you do these kinds of things, it is just an action but after you do it, again and again, it becomes a habit that you both participate in and a connection or bond forms through these activities.
And once you do it several times repeatedly, it can form into a type of addiction.
So what is the importance of this?
Well, we do not know how habits and addictions are linked, so let’s focus in on the third thing, the science of relationship addiction.
3. A Relationship Addiction You and Your Ex Boyfriend Share
Relationships and love function in a person’s brain like an addiction.
Seriously.
Love, it is literally a drug. Certain hormones and chemicals are released from your brain, influencing your behaviour. When you do these things with your boyfriend that bring you pleasure, you get accustomed to getting your relationship fixed.
Take your boyfriend out of the picture, suddenly your mind and body rebels. If he is not around, at first you will be relieved because you have been carrying this weight of what to do, but later the deficit of feel-good chemicals that are released because your boyfriend is not there to trigger them will catch up with you. Such is the magnetic draw between men and women.
People who study this have done some pretty cool experiments and have found that feelings of romantic love activate the same “reward system” areas of the brain that are activated when an addict is getting their fix.
Crazy isn’t it! But it is true and this explains why your mind and body is still wired in all kinds of ways to your ex-boyfriend. It’s like you break it off with him because you think it is the best thing for you, but no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get away from him as your body’s chemistry yearns for him and you begin to second guess yourself and wonder if you acted impulsively to end things.
Of course it is even more complicated than that.
He Misses You As Much As You Miss Him Because of the Mirroring Effect
You miss him so much and you can’t help but wonder if he misses you too.
You may be waiting for the words “I Miss You” to pop up on the screen of your phone. You may find yourself checking your phone repeatedly waiting for this. In fact, you probably do this already waiting for it to happen.
You don’t know where his head’s at in all of this. Is he pissed that you broke up with him? Will he ever forgive you? Did you make the biggest mistake of your life when you called it quits with him?
These are some terrifying thoughts, I’m sure.
Let me tell you, one thing that is almost certain is that he misses you.
He may not say it, but I’ll assure you he does. He actually probably misses you MORE since you were the dumper and he is the dumpee.
And science tells us after a breakup, the brain goes through a similar reaction as a drug withdrawal. After a breakup, similar to an addict, you are going to miss and crave what you were formerly addicted to. Your love was literally his drug.
Since you are both so connected in ways you cannot even explain, there is usually what is called the “mirroring effect”.
So think of a mirror. Look into it. If you see a person who is beside herself with remorse and sadness because her boyfriend is gone from her life, then know that on the other side of the mirror is your boyfriend who is seeing and feeling the same things for himself.
So, believe me when I tell you that your ex will miss you too.
How To Deal With Regret of Ending the Romance With Your Ex
Okay, so if you broke up with your ex and now you want him back, it is safe to say that you regret your decision.
So, let’s talk about it.
You may be thinking that if the breakup was meant to happen, you wouldn’t be missing him as much as you do. As a result, little doubts start creeping into your mind as you question whether you acted wrongly.
As time goes by, these little doubts can grow into big doubts to the point where you convince yourself you screwed up and feel compelled to hastily do something to get him back.
Or, you may be thinking that your life was easier with him than it is without him. Maybe it was one of those close calls where it seemed like the right thing to do to leave him, but now with him gone and you have had time to settle your emotions, you realize he was more important to you than you realized and that it’s worth trying to work through the problems together.
Whatever your reason is for missing him, if you find yourself regretting your decision of breaking up with your ex, you should ask yourself if you regret breaking up with him just because you miss him OR if the reason you broke up with him is no longer a good enough reason.
Missing someone is not a good enough reason by itself to get back together.
These feelings of feeling empty will fade over time. Remember, those Big Three are currently working against you and making you miss your ex like crazy, right now.
However, once you allow some time for recovery to help break those habits and the addiction, then the science will start to work in your favor again. The chemicals will normalize. Those things which your are missing will be replaced with new pleasurable routines and habits.
Now, if missing your ex-boyfriend isn’t a good enough reason to get back together, then let’s talk about the reason you broke up with him and if that is something that you can now work through.
Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place
Now, we’ve talked about all the feelings that you are going through right now. I know. It is no picnic. You did something to end the troubles you were having. For whatever reason, you believed the connection with your boyfriend was no longer a healthy one and you weren’t happy, so you acted to end it.
So trust in that. Don’t throw that away unless you have some convincing reasons to show you acted out of ignorance or were impulsive.
But let’s say you are plagued by doubts. You are uncertain if you broke up with him for the wrong reason. These feelings come after the breakup and they can be bitch to wrestle with.
Before I get into what you should do, let’s rewind to before the breakup. As I said, you did break up with him for a reason and it was likely a good reason.
And, since your brain is basically… well… hormone souped up right now, you should know that there are some really good reasons for breaking up with someone.
And, missing him and feeling sad and hurt about the whole thing is not a good enough reason to get back together.
Common Reasons To Break Up a Relationship
- Overwhelmed By Disagreements
- One Major Fight
- A slow but clear realization you are not compatible in the most important areas
- You Lost The “Spark”
- You Thought You’d Find Someone Better
- He Just Wasn’t Treating You Right
- You Cheated on Your Ex
The reasons above are some of the most common reasons I see girls give for breaking up with their boyfriend.
If your reasons for ending it with your boyfriend falls into one of the reasons above, then it is likely that you may miss him or feel a little bit of regret over your decision.
You may now be thinking that he was the one for you and you took your love for granted, or you may be realizing that you both contributed to the “spark” being lost, not just him. If you cheated on him, then you may feel really awful about your decision and are left wondering what you can do to get him back. The tug of guilt can really mess with your mind.
Don’t worry, if you left him for one of the reasons above, these reasons are SUPER common and the EBR team has your back.
Keep on reading as I’m going to lay out a plan that you can start TODAY in an effort to win your ex back.
But first, I mentioned that there were some reasons that were good reasons to break up with your ex boyfriend and not look back
You Probably Shouldn’t Look Back If Your Ex Boyfriend…
- He Cheated Frequently
- He Was or Became Abusive
- There Have Been Multiple Breakups
- He Ended Things With You and Did So In a Cruel Way
- He Ghosted You, Giving You No Explanation Why He Walked Out
If you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he cheated then I want you to really think about getting him back.
You will miss him and may feel sadness about breaking up with him.
This is all VERY normal.
However, if you get him back, you will have to learn to trust him again. And that is a whole other process.
What I am about to ask you will be difficult.
I want you to consider something.
If your ex cheated, ask yourself if it was an isolated incident? Is his behavior out of character. Or, is it something that is likely to be repeated?
If he is a repeat offender, it is more likely that he will cheat again…. and again… and again.
You would be better off finding someone who you can trust not to betray you.
Sorry. I know that’s hard to hear. The grip an ex boyfriend can have on your heart can be strong. But remember what I taught you. There are clear cut chemical reasons that can cause you to feel emotionally and physically addicted to someone who is no good for you.
And if you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he was abusive, then breaking up with him was absolutely the right decision. There is no level of abuse that is acceptible in a loving relationship. You don’t do that to the people you care about.
So, even though you are missing him and may regret the decision, in some of these cases you can rest easy in knowing that you made the right decision.
I’m going to say this and I want you to take this seriously. Sometimes you may choose the wrong boyfriend to be with. Sometimes it’s time to move forward with your life and leave that mess in the past.
If you feel you could be in such as situation, I want you to focus on becoming the epitome of the Ungettable Girl. You can do this by reading up on what exactly that means in the following articles:
Know that missing him and the regret will go away over time and you aren’t even likely to notice if you are rocking your own life.
What Can You Do To Erase The Damage of the Departure
Okay so you want a plan… right? Let’s talk about what to do if you if you broke up with your boyfriend and now you want him back.
No Contact Is Going To Optimize Your Chances
No Contact is the first step. And when I say the first step I’m not saying that you should put your toe on the step and jump on to the next step. You have to complete the whole step before moving on to the next one.
If you are wondering what it is, it is a period of 21, 30, or 45 days where you are not going to talk to your ex at all.
I know what you are wondering,
“Well, if I broke up with him and now want him back, won’t this push him farther away.”
Simply put, the answer to this is NO, usually not!
Breakups are hard. They are usually harder on the dumpee. So, you need to give your ex some space. More often what happens is a girl will rush back to her ex boyfriend trying to make right all of the damage from the original act. She may resort to crying and begging to be forgiven, to give her another chance.
All of this usually just confused and upsets the boyfriend even more and worse you end up losing most of your personal power and leverage.
Your ex is probably going to be very emotional and going to have some bad feelings towards you. I’m sure you can understand this, since you are going through emotional struggles of your own.
This is why it is so important to do a proper No Contact. It will allow both you and your ex to get over any negative emotions and bad feelings that you have so when you do communicate, you have a better chance of keeping the emotions under wraps.
While your No Contact can help with your ex, it is mostly meant to help you with your recovery.
Improvements You Can Make For Yourself
During No Contact, you should be working on self-improving… like big time!
Become the best version of yourself that you possibly can be.
Do all of things that you’ve always wanted to do.
Towards the end of your No Contact I also want you to go back to the list of reasons why you left. Ask yourself again if the breakup was a good idea. Do not be blinded by a bad relationship just because you miss him. Hopefully you have had enough time by that point that you are seeing clearly enough to see past that.
Reach out to Him When It’s The Right Time
Only after you have completed your No Contact period should you even consider reaching out to your ex boyfriend. There are some exceptions to this depending on various circumstances which you can read about more in my ebook, The No Contact Rule Book.
But keep in mind, he may still be angry or hurt that you broke up with him. He may be hurt that you refused to contact him during No Contact. So think of this as a process and a bit of a balancing act. You can’t read his mind, so be patient and if you make mistakes, don’t fret over it.
So, you will need to be prepared that he may not be warm and welcoming at first. This is normal. He may finally get around to asking you why you ignored him for so long. It can all be explained away with one simple statement.
“I needed some time to get focused on what I want out of life.”
Now, be forewarned, you have to actually have something to show for that. I mean you have to have made significant improvements in your life if you want to get him back after all of this.
And then there is the real challenge. You have to be prepared to hold yourself back a little… okay a lot…. a whole lot!
Don’t over-do it. You need to casually get to know each other again. Let him get used to having you around in a non-romantic sort of way.
That means that you have to control yourself.
The Take-Away
Remember that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex, even if you did the deed. And now you know that there are three things that contribute to your missing him following the breakup. These things are known as “The Big Three.”
The Big Three consists of:
- Addiction
- Habits
- Science
You also know that you can overcome those things. And once you overcome one these influences on your mind and heart and body, know that you will be in a better place to make decisions about what you really want.
There is one thing that I know. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to get your ex back.
There are very valid reasons for feeling that way following a breakup. So figure out if your reasons for dumping your ex were legitimate and go from there.
If your ex boyfriend was a serial cheater or was abusive, then you should put your efforts into bettering yourself and moving on.
If you want him back for the right reasons, then have a plan.
Start off the process of getting him back by completing a successful No Contact. That’s the first hurdle. Do that and the rest will fall into place.
Once you have successfully completed No Contact and made those self-improvements, make sure you even want to get your ex back after re-evaluating your original reasons for breaking up with him.
Then reach out to him and initiate a conversation. Keep in mind his fellings and don’t move to fast or be too pushy.