Dear Coleen,
I’m a 54-year-old woman and have been married for 25 years. We don’t have any kids, but have two dogs that we both dote on. I love my husband – he’s kind, we laugh together and we’re good companions – but we hardly ever have sex.
I’ve always had a higher sex drive, but at least when we were younger he was usually up for it if I initiated it. Now, we sleep in different rooms and, to be honest, I’ve pretty much stopped trying to be intimate.
I have brought this up with him several times, but he always says that he’s just not as into sex as I am, but that we’re happy together, so why make it an issue? I’m young for my age, fit and healthy, and I don’t want this to be the end of my sex life! Does it mean my marriage is over and the only option is to leave and start again?
I have mulled over the idea of divorce, but I feel upset every time I think about it. The bottom line is, I don’t want sex with anyone else, I want it with him. Right now I’m feeling lonely, rejected and undesirable – can you help?
Coleen says
You sound completely physically and emotionally detached from each another. When you’ve been together a long time it’s easy to tell yourself that things are fine or you’ll get through it, or maybe it’s a case of “better the devil you know”, but unless you properly address the issue it’ll keep coming back to bite you.
I don’t think he fully appreciates how serious the lack of intimacy is for you, so tell him, as honestly as you can.
Tell him it’s affecting your confidence, self-esteem and happiness, and be frank that you have even thought about divorce.
You could suggest taking a break from the relationship, so you can experience what it’s like to be without each other. You might find there’s no dramatic change in how you feel because being in a marriage that’s not working can feel even lonelier than if you’re on your own.
I think it’s hard to go from nothing to having regular sex. You need to rebuild intimacy first and that takes effort from both sides.
If he’s willing, you both need to start thinking more about what the other person needs, you need to “date” again – show affection, plan nice things for each other and inject some romance.
You need to build up to sex. That might feel daunting, but if you try and it’s still not working, then at least you can walk away knowing you really did give it your best shot.