Question: Hi! I am a 28-year-old woman and I have been married for three years. My husband belongs to a very conservative business family and we live in a joint family. Besides his parents and brothers, his aunts, uncles and their children also live with us. It’s a palatial house and is full of people.
The thing is that we had a love marriage and I have known my husband since college days. When I got married, I had told my husband that we would only start a family after I complete a course on hotel management and find a job. He agreed very reluctantly saying the womenfolks in his family do not work for money.
It’s okay if I join a charity organization (one that is supported by their company) or an NGO. The thing is, I am in my final year and yet to find a job. As discussed earlier, we haven’t started family planning yet. But the problem is his family members and nosy relatives have started asking this question, “Beta, when will you have a child?” And this has been going on since we got married. What really irritates me is they never ask this question to my husband but only me. And when I told my husband about it, he told me just to relax! And the worst part is his mother and father also know that we aren’t planning for a family until I complete my studies but they never make any attempt to shut the relative’s stupid queries about us having a child. This has now been blown out of proportion because one of his aunts recently gave me the reference of an infertility expert saying I can get a check-up done if required. I had a big fight with my husband after that. The insensitive behaviour of the relatives is making me very depressed and tensed. Could you please tell me how should I handle such nosy relatives? —By Anonymous
Response by Kamna Chhibber: Being a part of a large family can bring with it unique challenges. It’s also a given that each family would have it’s own unique culture and norms around which it would function. This would make it difficult to penetrate into the larger system and attempt to change it. If the problem was within your own home it would be more easily managed as conversations could be directly had and perspectives shared which would have allowed them to understand where you are coming from.
As you have mentioned that your immediate family understands and is supportive it’s the other extended relatives with whom problems transpire, it would be advisable to shift your focus from them to what happens within your household. Simultaneously, it would be a good idea to try and explore your own sensitivity to their comments and questions to understand whether these are triggering some anxiety, fear or insecurity within you. Once you are able to determine the core reason for why their commentary affects you so much you would be in a better position to take care of yourself and alter the dynamic and communication that happens.
Responding in this frame of mind when you are extremely sensitive and agitated by the issue would not be advisable till the time that you are able to get yourself into a calmer headspace and look at the broader picture. Also once you understand what exactly is leading to the botheration you can take the support of your husband and in-laws to proactively engage in measures that would help you address the situations.
Kamna Chhibber is the Head (Mental Health), Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Healthcare