Relationships in 2017 seem to be becoming an ever increasingly frustrating dilemma – not just for men, but for women too.
Before I get into explaining, let me preface it by saying: dating has never been easy, but these days, there seem to be many more obstacles and challenges… despite our ability to be in touch 24/7, 365 days a year.
Welcome to a world where women will probably screen you for creepy statuses, whether you have any real friends, what you do for work and fun, places you go. Not to mention, if you have any “undesirable” qualities which may be perceived in the wrong light to someone who doesn’t know you well… all before you even say “hello”!
I for one, think this is the crux of a major problem in today’s dating world.
We simply have way too much information about each other. It stresses ourselves, as well as our partners (or potential partners), particularly in early phases of a relationship.
However, it’s not limited to just the early phases of a relationship – this can become a problem even throughout a developing or established relationship.
Why does this even matter? Social media has completely changed the way we think about relationships, love, friendship, and seems to revolve more around superficial qualities than anything real.
We all know that relationships take time and effort to develop, but…
In today’s modern world of dating, everything seems to revolve around “image”, and being done quickly with no effort.
One problem I have faced with several women over the years, is the never-ending dilemma of male-female friendships (and jealousy that can ensure), which can go a bit too far at times. As an example, I have been in this kind of situation before, with a close, attractive female friend and a woman I was dating at the time.
However, this constantly put the person I was dating “on edge”, which mainly stemmed from her own insecurity.
Of course, I thought I had earned her trust, but then she went out of her way to “prove” that she could also have friendships with other good looking men. This cycle actually continued until it got to the point where it was too much drama, and too much of a hassle to continue.
It’s a lot more complicated than it sounds, but insecurity seems to be at an all time high from both men and women.
As a male, I also used to get up in arms about situations where the person I am dating, would constantly talk to other men, or male friends, or hang out – but I learned to screen women very quickly to save myself from becoming too invested if things didn’t work out.
And it worked. However, this type of behavior also has very negative effects on a developing relationship with different types of people.
To put it simply, it makes men and women a lot less “invested” into making things work, and more about controlling your feelings.
For example, let’s say you are dating someone and manage to spark a romance. But your potential partner is also being “wooed” by other men or women on the side… wouldn’t you feel less compelled to put all your “eggs in one basket”, in fear of getting hurt?
This is an “extreme” case – but seeing as I am part of the slightly younger dating pool, this seems to be a common thing among women in their early 20’s and younger… the “social” generation, which will judge you for who you’re with, how many likes you get, how cool you appear on Instagram.
It sounds like a dramatic way to put things, but it’s true.
Even in cases where it’s not exactly as extreme as the situation above, there is that twinge of of untrustworthy-ness, and perhaps feeling “unsatisfactory” when it comes to choosing a partner who has a seemingly endless supply of men or women chasing after them.
For men, they know that women constantly receive messages and propositions from strange people all over the world (for those of us who have taken a look at any partners inbox – with permission of course!)… this can often give men the feeling that they have to be highly competitive, and even “walk on eggshells” to get or keep the women they want to date.
I believe it all comes down to learning how to be a lot more open with each other, and being more trusting of our partners. Personally, I have learned to trust my instincts, and fall in love slowly – and that is how I met my beautiful wife.
On a side note for my male readers (especially of the younger generation, who may view this advice as overly naive)…
And I think I know why.
I think a lot of modern day insecurity around dating stems from what the online world calls “pickup artistry”, where men will memorize fake stories, pickup lines, and other things that they think are attractive to women.
They view rejection as a challenge, and attempt to come up with silly games, or “super secret techniques” to persuade women otherwise. This PUA stuff has literally become a billion dollar industry, and it simply exploits men who truly believe they aren’t “worthy” of the women they want.
As a life coach in my spare time, I have dealt with men who have spent thousands on these programs, ebooks, courses, and still have nothing to show for it.
And not only that, it has created unrealistic expectations when it comes to women. They will drop women at the earliest sign of non-interest, and basically put in as little effort as possible, which I think is ridiculous.
Not only is this a terrible way to get to know someone, but they will never know who you truly are if you have a fake persona based on being a “really cool guy” with cool stories, and fake confidence.
But there is also a lesson to be learned here. Be the best you can be. Fall in love. Trust your instincts. Embrace your fear and take charge.
In my last article about self-help, I mentioned that I spent a lot of time to be the best version of myself. I feel comfortable in my own skin, confident, and have the belief that to truly experience life, love, relationships… you have to let go of your fears, and dive into the deep end.
This means that you may in fact get “hurt” in a failed relationship. You might make some terrible mistakes along the way, and trust the wrong man or woman.
… but you also have the potential to succeed in a very fulfilling relationship, fall in love (for real), and develop deep relationships with people that enrich your life.
Yes, it can be a little bumpy along the way, but I promise it’s so worth it in the end. Whether you are a man or woman, learn to be happy in your own skin. Do what you love. Write (like me), learn an instrument, dance, fight, climb a mountain – whatever. Just be fulfilled by doing things that make you better.
That way, when the right person comes along you won’t feel “insecure”, because you really believe that you are a catch.
After all, choosing anyone else would be crazy!