One particularly intriguing trend emerging in some communities is the concept of men requesting “marriage lists” from multiple women. This practice, driven by a desire to evaluate potential marriage costs, raises several questions about tradition, love, and the commodification of relationships.

Marriage lists are essentially detailed accounts of the financial demands associated with a prospective marriage. These lists may include dowries, gifts, and other financial obligations that a groom or his family must meet.

Traditionally, dowries were a way to secure the financial future of a bride and her family, but in contemporary settings, they can vary significantly based on cultural, regional, and individual factors.

Men requesting these lists from various women aims to assess which marriage would be the most economically feasible. This practice can stem from a combination of personal financial constraints, cultural expectations, and the desire to make informed decisions in an era where economic considerations are increasingly important.

In many cultures, marriage is not just a union of two individuals; it is a significant financial transaction involving families. While in some societies, love and companionship are the primary motivations for marriage, in others, financial considerations play a pivotal role. The practice of comparing marriage lists could be seen as a practical approach to ensuring financial stability, but it also risks reducing the complex institution of marriage to a mere transactional relationship.

The practice raises several ethical questions. First, is it fair to women to be evaluated based solely on financial demands? This approach can reinforce harmful stereotypes and perpetuate a culture where women’s worth is tied to monetary value. Additionally, it may lead to emotional detachment in relationships, prioritizing financial calculations over genuine compatibility and affection.

Moreover, this practice could create an environment of competition among women, fostering insecurities and undermining the foundational values of trust and love that are vital for a successful marriage.

On a practical level, the comparison of marriage costs can be influenced by economic realities. In times of financial uncertainty, individuals may feel compelled to prioritize financial security over emotional connection. This trend can also reflect broader societal changes, where economic factors increasingly dictate personal choices.

However, it’s essential to recognize that while financial considerations are valid, they should not overshadow the fundamental aspects of partnership—mutual respect, love, and shared goals.

While the practice of men requesting marriage lists from various women may appear to be a logical approach to navigating the complexities of modern relationships, it brings to light significant ethical, cultural, and emotional concerns. Marriage, at its core, is a partnership that thrives on connection and commitment, transcending financial considerations.

As society continues to evolve, it’s crucial to strike a balance between practical realities and the deeper values that define successful and fulfilling relationships. Ultimately, a marriage built on love and mutual respect will likely yield a more rewarding and lasting partnership than one anchored solely in economic calculations.

Just because you’re married, and she promised to love you forever, doesn’t mean you should stop trying to be attractive to your spouse. Making sure she wants you may be even more important after you’ve been together for years.

The problem is things change. Life becomes stressful. Baggage accumulates between you two. Physical intimacy becomes de-prioritized.

On top of that, women don’t need a guy. So, if a strong woman doesn’t need a guy, how can men make themselves more attractive so women want them?

This is the very topic YourTango asked a group of Experts. The responses — from experts Melissa White, Kira Gould, John Gray, and Susan Bratton  — offer two simple tips for how a husband (or any man) can become more attractive to a strong, independent woman.

Here are the two subtle qualities of men that attract strong, independent women, according to psychology:

1. Having the ability to take care of her

Notice the word can — not need. A strong woman may not need anyone to protect her — after all, she can slay her dragons. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be in control every second of every day.

Do you need somewhere to start in being the hero with a woman you’re dating? Try being the one who can anticipate her needs on a date, as supported by research led by psychologist Nancy L. Collins. Seems simple, yes. But women feel like the responsibility is on them to be aware of themselves when they go out with a guy. If you can recognize her needs, you’re not only showing her you think she’s attractive but that you can provide when needed.

Being able to anticipate her needs in a situation is an action much louder than words that will turn her on! There is nothing more attractive than a man who can provide, even if we don’t need him to.

2. Having a passionate purpose in your life

You want to be ambitious and passionate about something (other than her, of course), whether it’s your aspirations for work or dedication to learning to play an instrument.

Why do you think women like musicians and actors? Ok, yeah, part of it is looks, but it’s also because the passion a guy can show while strumming his guitar can be the same passion he strums for you, as supported by research in Frontiers in Psychology.

So, find something that drives and moves you. Something you are authentically passionate about, and be ready to share that passion with her.

Soon, you’ll see how much more attractive women will find you when you’re lit by an internal flame, especially if that woman is your wife.

It might sound like these two steps are too easy to work, but trust the experts. They know what they’re talking about, and they have even more advice to share in the video below:

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Being in a long-distance relationship can be stressful and challenging.

In March 2021, Lu, a 33-year-old man from Shandong, eastern China, noticed that his wife was taking unusually long to get ready to take their daughter to her private tutor, so he decided to follow her around.

When she went into a local hotel, Lu started suspecting his wife of cheating, and those suspicions were confirmed when he stormed into her room to find her in skimpy underwear next to a naked man.

In a fit of rage, Lu beat the other man, surnamed Liu, and kicked his wife, but he eventually accepted Liu’s offer of 25,000 yuan ($3,300) in three online installments as compensation for sleeping with his wife.

But during his divorce proceedings, Lu was shocked to learn that Liu had filed a complaint against him accusing him of extortion.

To this day, Lu is convinced that his former wife was the mastermind behind Liu’s complaint, as she wanted to gain an advantage in a heated custody battle over their young daughter.

In November 2021, a District Court sentenced Lu to six months behind bars for blackmailing his wife’s lover and forcing him to pay financial compensation.

The 33-year-old man appealed, but in March 2022, the Zibo Intermediate People’s Court upheld the decision of the original court.

He tried appealing the decision again, but the intermediate court once more rejected his request in December 2022.

As a last resort, Lu challenged the original verdict at the Shandong Provincial High Court which concluded that “the original verdict did not verify some facts and some evidence was conflicting,” and ordered the Zibo intermediate court to reexamine the case.

Earlier this year, the court heard the case again, and this time exonerated Lu, concluding that he had not forced Liu to pay him the 25,000 yuan, but rather negotiated with him.

Furthermore, the judge ruled that Liu’s actions breached public order, good customs and moral standards, so the husband’s actions were justified.

Last month, we wrote about a similar case where a husband used hidden cameras in his own home to catch his wife cheating with another man and was sentenced to 3 months in jail for spying on someone without their consent.

Relationships are built on love, trust, and connection.

A couple in India have said they are “delighted” after a court ordered a hospital to hand over the frozen semen sample of their dead son to them so they could have a grandchild through surrogacy.

The landmark Delhi High Court order came after a four-year legal battle.

“We were very unlucky, we lost our son. But the court has given us a very precious gift. We would now be able to get our son back,” the mother, Harbir Kaur, told the BBC.

Ms Kaur and her husband Gurvinder Singh petitioned the court after Delhi’s Ganga Ram Hospital in December 2020 refused to release their son’s semen, which was stored in their fertility lab.

The couple’s 30-year-old son, Preet Inder Singh, had been diagnosed in June 2020 with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma – a form of blood cancer – and admitted to the hospital for treatment.

“Before he began chemotherapy, the hospital advised him to store his semen as the treatment could adversely affect the quality of his sperm,” Gurvinder Singh told the BBC.

Preet Inder, who was unmarried, agreed and his sample was frozen on 27 June 2020. He died in early September.

A few months later, when the grief-stricken parents sought access to their son’s frozen sperm, the hospital declined their request. The couple then petitioned the Delhi High Court.

Getty Images

These questions can help you make a thoughtful decision about your future together.

If you value your freedom a lot, the thought of sharing your life with someone else might not feel right to you.

In other words, singles in a committed relationship want someone who will not cheat on them. Unfortunately, the reality of that desire often comes to a painful end as time goes on.

Accurate statistics are hard to come by (because lots of people don’t want to admit to cheating), but researchers agree that 30 to 50 percent of men and 20 to 40 percent of women are unfaithful.

Can you ever know for sure that your partner won’t cheat? No, because people and circumstances change over time.

But you can look for specific personal qualities that offer a strong predisposition for faithfulness instead of unfaithfulness.

12 signs a man will always be faithful, according to psychology:

1. He keeps his word in other areas

Vlada Karpovich | Pexels

Reliability and trustworthiness across many aspects of life are good indicators of faithfulness in your relationship. According to major psychological theories, trust is an essential quality for developing and maintaining long-term romantic relationships.

Empirical research from the National Library of Medicine has confirmed the importance of trust in romantic relationships, demonstrating that high levels of self-reported trust in the romantic partner relate positively to love and happiness, a positive perception of relationship quality and daily interactions, pro-relationship acts, and a feeling of commitment to the relationship.

2. He likes your friends but keeps a respectful distance

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Researchers from The University of Victoria in Canada found that nearly half (45 percent) of men and more than one-fourth (26 percent) of women are attracted to friends of their partners and are tempted to act on it.

3. He does not keep secrets

Ketut Subiyanto | Pexels

Small secrets can blossom into big ones down the line. Research indicates that preoccupation with secrets takes a toll on mental health. Evidence suggests that keeping secrets from one’s romantic partner may harm the relationship as it implies a lack of trust that one’s partner will be supportive.

4. He is aware of the danger zones

Maksim Goncharenok | Pexels

For instance, business trips are particularly troublesome: In a survey from The Institute for Family Studies, thirty-six percent of men and 13 percent of women said they gave into temptation on a business trip.

5. He has extinguished old flames

Gustavo Fring | Pexels

Many people look back on past relationships with fond memories, and some even maintain friendships with a past love. But wise individuals guard against too much interaction with an ex. That’s because 32 percent of women and 21 percent of men who admitted to acting on temptation said it was with a former boyfriend/girlfriend, according to The Normal Bar, the world’s most extensive survey on romantic relationships polling over 100,000 people.

6. He is invested in maintaining a friendship, as well as a romance, with you

Leeloo The First | Pexels

Many individuals who get involved in affairs have been unable to deepen their love relationship beyond the early phase of infatuation and adrenaline rush.

According to research from the American Psychological Association (APA), romantic relationships may be more fulfilling if they look more like friendships. An analysis of nearly 8,000 respondents to the British Household Panel Survey showed that life satisfaction was about twice as high among people who said their spouse was also their best friend.

7. He maintains proper boundaries with co-workers

Tima Miroshnichenko | Pexels

That’s because research says 60 percent of affairs start at work. And keeping a strictly professional relationship with co-workers is how to know if a guy won’t cheat on you.

8. He feels appreciated

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And this is where you can make a huge difference: More than 90 percent of men, and a similar number of women, said that feeling unappreciated and unwanted contributed strongly to their affairs.

Research has shown that feeling appreciated by one’s partner is essential to maintaining reciprocal prosocial relationships. Feeling appreciated by one’s romantic partner indicates that the partner cares about and is willing to meet one’s needs, instilling further prosocial motivation.

9. He is not a narcissist

Antoni Shkraba | Pexels

People with narcissistic tendencies — self-absorbed, lacking empathy — are especially prone to straying. Narcissists’ romantic relationships are reported to be transitory, which means lacking in commitment.

According to researchers, the link between narcissism and commitment to the romantic relationship partner indicates a negative correlation. That is, narcissism is associated with a game-playing love style, low commitment, and infidelity. Prior research has also shown that narcissists in long-term romantic relationships demonstrate low levels of commitment, are susceptible to infidelity, and have a more significant number of divorces than non-narcissists.

10. He doesn’t have an excessive need to be admired and liked

Filip Rankovic Grobgaard | Pexels

A need to have one’s ego boosted leads to inappropriate relationships with someone eager to flatter. Research has linked social media use to a reliance on external validation, which could lead to self-doubt and the need to feel liked by others.

11. At the appropriate time, he will be completely open about finances

Mikhail Nilov | Pexels

Since money disputes are the number one cause of divorce, psychologists have coined the term “financial infidelity,” in which individuals deceive their partner with hidden debt, secret credit cards, and undisclosed shopping sprees.

12. He has a strong emphasis on “we,” not “I”

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Faithful partners recognize the value of preserving the relationship’s love and intimacy — and will take measures to protect the special bond they share.

Lust is a powerful emotion that can sometimes be confused with love.

During a discussion on GhOne, Afari admitted that, as a young man, he believed regular sex was healthy.

He revealed that, during his relationship with his Liberian girlfriend, they were intimate daily, which led to noticeable weight loss.

“I’ve had relationships in the past, and one of my girlfriends was Liberian, during the time of their civil war,” he said.

“Until I met my Liberian girlfriend, I didn’t know the frequency of sex could be a problem. I didn’t have an issue with it, but my neighbours noticed it. They realized I was losing weight,” he revealed.

“They used to tease me, saying the girl would kill me. I never thought she was a sex addict because we were having sex regularly, and I thought it was healthy since I was young and had the strength. That was until I started reading about the side effects of excessive sex,” the therapist added.

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The ending of a relationship doesn’t just leave you emotionally hurt, but physically hurt as well. Research has shown that the end of a romantic relationship can lead to insomnia, intrusive thoughts, and even reduced immune function.

You will most likely find yourself thinking of him, wishing things could be different, wondering if you made the right decision, hoping that he will call, and kicking yourself for not knowing how to get over your ex.

Perhaps you were no longer compatible, or maybe you brought out the worst in each other. Whatever the reason, just know that your relationship served a purpose.

Just because the romance ended does not mean your life has to. You can learn from this experience and you can let go.

Dwelling on the past isn’t constructive. In fact, it’s quite debilitating. It can keep you stuck for days, weeks, months, or even years.

Of course, I’m not suggesting you can never reminisce. It’s vital to be thankful and appreciate all the joy you and your partner once shared.

While it’s important to remember the good times, it is equally essential to remind yourself of those bad times without holding onto blame or resentment and recall the reasons you are no longer together.

This way, you can move forward. Here’s how to get over your ex and navigate your life after a breakup.

Here are 5 ways to majorly speed up the breakup process:

1. Find yourself first

Use this time as an opportunity to get to know yourself again. It is super easy to lose a piece of your identity while being in a relationship.

Before hopping into the next one, get clear on who you are.

What are your values? What boundaries do you hold sacred? What do you want out of your life? What are your hopes? Your dreams? Your desires? What kind of relationship do you really want?

This is also a time where it is imperative to take good care of yourself.

Eat well, move your body, find things to do that excite you. Participate in things you have been putting off. Try something new. Learn to enjoy spending time alone.

2. Practice forgiveness

Letting go of the frustrations, resentment, anger, and guilt of what feels like a “failed relationship” isn’t serving you.

Start practicing forgiveness. Let go of the events that led to your breakup, release those hurtful words you said to each other, and choose to shake off the negative energy that surrounded the whole situation.

You do not have to define your life by how you’ve been hurt or by the fact that you may have hurt someone else. You can forgive him and yourself without denying the responsibility you both played in the demise of the relationship.

Remember: “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” — Robert Muller.

3. Express yourself

There is certainly a grieving process when a relationship ends. Most professionals equate the end of a long-term relationship to dealing with a death, except with a relationship there is a good chance you may still have to interact with your past partner in some way.

Allow yourself the time and the emotional space to grieve. Feel your feelings. Don’t deny your sadness, anger, bewilderment, resentment, or frustration.

Let it out; let those feelings physically take space in your body. You’ll be amazed how these feelings will actually dissipate faster if you allow yourself to actually sit with them.

If you stuff them, they don’t go away. They will be back to haunt you, and most likely, they will intensify and often you will find yourself displacing them onto someone who doesn’t deserve to take the brunt of those emotions.

4. Accept the truth

You must accept that the relationship is over. Stop assuming and imagining that you can rekindle the romance. There is a reason you broke up and why the relationship crumbled.

It’s time to move on. Believe in the fact that whatever is supposed to happen, will.

So if you are supposed to end up with this partner, you may find your way back to each other in 6 months or 5 years from now, but forcing it when it’s not ready to happen is never the answer.

5. Build a solid support system

You do not need to go through this alone. Lean on your friends and family. Spend time with people who love you, support you, and energize you.

Find people you can talk to without feeling criticized, judged, or who tell you what to do or how to feel.

Just know that the healing process and the length of it is different for everyone. Don’t rush it. Whatever you do, avoid dwelling on who is to blame or beating yourself up.

Learn from this, be kind to yourself, and most importantly, nurture your broken heart. You’ll know when it’s time to venture back into the relationship world. Until then, take care of yourself!

Source: Your Tango

According to Uncle Ebo, women actually hold the power and control during intimate moments.

Speaking in a recent interview on Accra-based 3FM, he urged men to stop bragging about sex since they are not winners in intimate affairs.

“When a man sleeps with a woman, he tells his friends, ‘Oh, I finish am. But if you know who finished who, you will stop. You will not talk.”

“In any sexual encounter. The winner is not the man. It’s the woman. The man, all you did was you gave your energy, you gave your reputation, you gave opportunities. You gave all kinds of things,” he said.

Uncle Ebo cautioned men to uphold their self-respect and dignity, warning that failure to do so may lead to detrimental repercussions stemming from impulsive and irresponsible actions.

He emphasized the importance of self-awareness and prudent decision-making to avoid compromising one’s values and integrity.

“When you understand that there’s the need for you to respect yourself, then you understand that this thing can bring you down. It can make you lose your respect and reputation like nothing else. And so be careful.

“An older friend of mine told me this. When you go to the forest and you find a table laid, walk away because you don’t know why the table is there,” he said.

Uncle Ebo Whyte and his Roverman Production is gearing up for a new play, I Want To Feed You.

The play comes off at the National Theatre, Accra from the September 6, 7th, 8th, 13th, 14th and September 15, 2024.

On Fridays, it will show at 7pm (one show only); however on Saturdays, there will be two shows – 4pm and 8pm.

But on Sundays, there will be three shows – 1pm, 4pm and 8pm.

Source: Graphic.com

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The call, which was aired live as the woman sought advice from host Jerry Justice, left listeners stunned and sparked intense discussion across social media.

During the emotional confession, the woman recounted how her life became entangled in a web of deception involving her former pastor and his son.

According to her, after completing Senior High School (SHS), she moved in with her pastor’s family and began a secret sexual relationship with the pastor’s son.

However, things took a dark twist when the pastor himself began pursuing her, leading to a covert relationship with him as well.

The woman explained that, she continued living with the pastor’s family throughout her university years.

Eventually, she married one of the junior pastors at the church, but by then, she was already pregnant.

Torn by uncertainty, she confessed that she wasn’t sure if the child she was carrying belonged to the pastor or his son.

The pastor, aware of her dilemma, advised her to give the child as her husband.

The child is now 5-years-old, and the woman is pregnant again, this time with her husband’s child.

However, the pastor has since used the situation to blackmail and control her, threatening to expose her secret to her husband if she refuses to comply with his demands.

The woman tearfully revealed that, she recently stopped the affair with the pastor, but now fears the repercussions as the pastor continues to threaten her.

Complicating matters further, the pastor, who lost his wife and daughter, has taken an unsettling interest in the woman’s first child, believing he might be the father.

The shocking confession has left listeners grappling with the complexity of the situation, with many calling for the woman to seek immediate help to protect herself and her family from further harm.

Meanwhile, Jerry Justice, known for his empathetic approach during such segments, provided the caller with contact information for professional counsellors who could offer the support and guidance she desperately needs.

The confession has sparked widespread conversation among Adom FM’s audience, with many expressing concern and offering advice on the station’s social media platforms.

Listeners are encouraged to tune into Adom FM’s Ofie Kwanso show with Jerry Justice, every week day from 3pm to 6pm, for more thought-provoking discussions and heartfelt stories that resonate with Ghanaians from all walks of life.

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Source: adomonline.com

He was born with feminine features, but never knew such acts existed until his first experience with his pastor.

Bills Berry, who spoke on Joy Prime’s Changes show with Roselyn Felli, narrated that it was an encounter he never anticipated while growing up, but he was living alone and had no financial support from family.

Then, the pastor of the church began calling him, falsely requesting to hold teen classes and other church-related activities with him, but ended up having sexual intercourse with him.

His pastor further recommended him to other men who showed interest in him. He accepted their proposal because he needed to survive on a daily basis.

“My pastor was the one who introduced me to it and destroyed me. Someone would see me, discriminate, and insult me. I was ‘Kojo Besia’ and I’m proud of myself. I haven’t learned anything from a lady. There are times I would try to dress and walk like a man but would still go back to walking like a lady,” he said.

Following the incident, he could not stop but continued for monetary purposes. This made him lose trust in men of God and quit attending church.

Currently, he has learned a trade in cosmetology, graduated, and has opened his own salon. He is more focused on establishing his business and earning money so as not to return to his old ways. He confessed that he slept with over thirty men.

Bills Berry yearns to have children of his own because some of his colleagues, who unfortunately died due to stigmatization and other societal attacks, have been able to procreate with females. But no lady is willing to accept his proposal due to his physical appearance.

He still believes in God and is willing to join a church that will reshape his life completely.

“I’m ever ready because my name is Godwin,” he said on the show.

Source: myjoyonline.com

He said contrary to the popular perception that Customary Law Marriage did not protect women, it offered better protection to women compared to Ordinance Marriage.

Dr Srem-Sai who was speaking at the maiden Marriage Governance Conference in Accra last Tuesday, explained that while it was mandatory for men to provide maintenance and accommodation to their wives under Customary Law Marriage, it was not mandatory under Ordinance Marriage.

Even in instances when the man passed, his family, he said, was responsible for the upkeep of the woman.

He said the English Law or Common law which Ordinance Marriages depended on, did not give wives such privileges.

“Now, one of the incidents of marriage under customary law is that the husband is responsible to provide maintenance and accommodation for the wife, and after his death that responsibility devolves upon his family.

Consequently, the head of the family is bound to provide maintenance for the widow of a deceased member of the family during the period of the funeral.” he said , making reference to the Ollennu, Yaotey v Quaye (1961) case.

Dr Srem-Sai who is also a legal counsel at  Praetorium Solicitors, said currently,  the Customary Law marriages for  Akans, Ewes and other ethnic groups offered better protection to women than Ordinance marriage.

He  advised  against referring to customary marriage as “engagement” as it was a  legally accepted form of marriage.

Registering Customary and Islamic Marriages

In a discussion, panellists highlighted the challenges involved in registering Customary and Islamic Marriages.

The Assistant Director of Local Government Services at the Ga West Municipal Assembly, Mr Francis Akanni , noted that while customary marriage followed traditional practices, it was important to register the marriage at the appropriate authority.

Asked how many customary marriages a man could register, he answered that it depended on the man’s ability to cater for the wives and dependants.

The Imam at the Dara Salaam Mosque, Imam Sa-id Mukhtar, said there had to be a correction in the Mohammedan marriage Under the Marriage Act.

He said Muslims did not identify as “Mohemmedans” neither did they follow “Mohammedan law’’ hence the current provision where they were required to register Islamic marriages under Mohammedan law was inappropriate.

He said in Islam, there was nothing like “priests”, rather sheikhs and Imams and asked for an amendment  to reflect the practices and beliefs of the people.

Marriage Governance

Other panellists and speakers highlighted issues related to marriage registration, divorce, publication of Banns, role of marriage counsellors in divorce suits and licensing of churches and pastors for marriage.

Organised by MarryRight Ghana Ltd in partnership with the Attorney-General’s Department, and the Registrar General’s Department, the conference brought together stakeholders and experts to foster a deeper understanding and promotion of best practices in marriage governance.

Source: Graphic.com.gh

• Customary marriage not compulsory – Head of Marriage at Registrar General

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The pain of betrayal can be overwhelming, but revenge cheating is not the answer.

He expressed concern over a growing trend where some churches not only pressure the youth into marriage but also arrange marriages within the congregation.

During a sermon, Rev. Obofour cautioned, “Don’t be in a hurry to marry; such a significant decision should never be made lightly. If you make a mistake the first time, there’s no guarantee you’ll get a second chance.”

He said individuals should not allow the church to dictate their choice of spouse, warning that the church may not offer support if marital problems arise.

“Don’t let the church push you into marrying someone just because they’re a church member. If the marriage doesn’t work out, the church won’t be concerned,” he advised.

Rev. Obofour also stressed the importance of discernment, noting that while some church members may seem like ideal partners but they may not truly embody the values they profess.

“Some men in the church might appear to be perfect husband material, but don’t be deceived. Just because they’re in the church doesn’t mean they’re right for you. The church may teach good values, but you need to ensure the person you’re considering genuinely lives by those values,” he warned.

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Protecting your mental health from toxic people is important for maintaining your well-being.

Toxic individuals can easily disrupt your peace and even your overall well-being the longer you interact with them.

Have you ever had anyone sleep at your home for a day or two then got too comfortable and then refuse to leave?

But now that I write articles about women’s empowerment, it happens on a weekly basis.

For fear of sounding like your uncle who claims he’s not racist because he interacts with a person of color in the break room at work, I genuinely don’t hate men. I swear.

In fact, some of my favorite people on Earth are men:

1. My father, who taught me how to spackle sheetrock, play the guitar, cook linguine and clam sauce, and build a business from the ground up; who was an equal partner to his wife (back when they were married) and never more than a phone call away from his kids (even after the divorce).
2. My best friend, who I’ve known since I was 14; who wears his heart on his sleeve, makes me laugh harder than anyone, and regularly rides his motorcycle over an hour to visit me now that I live out in the sticks.
3. My partner, who’s vulnerable, empathetic, charming, hilarious, and intelligent — both cognitively and emotionally; who knows every facet of me and loves me not despite my baggage, but because of it.
4. Keanu Reeves, Fred Rogers, and Jack Black, who are smart, kind, and super awesome.

What do all these men have in common? Two things:

First, they’ve never expected me to abandon myself for their benefit. Second, they’ve earned my love and respect by being wonderful human beings.

The Buddhist in me believes that we’re all inherently valuable from the moment we’re born.

The realist in me knows we have to earn it. This applies to everyone — men, women, and non-binary folks; people I know personally, acquaintances I interact with online, and famous strangers I’ve never met. While our humanity should be inherent, relationships are transactional, and we still have to earn other people’s respect.

Overall, I like people who are empathetic, vulnerable, humble and put effort into being the best versions of themselves. I dislike (note my choice of words, as I don’t hate anyone) people who are entitled, cocky, closed off, and resistant to self-improvement.

Unfortunately, privilege often fosters the latter qualities.

According to a 2020 study, especially privileged people are uniquely high in entitlement. Research also shows that those with privilege are typically less empathetic and more likely to feel unsubstantiated overconfidence about things they know nothing about.

While these studies factor in race, finances, gender, and social class, the pinnacle of Western privilege has long been the affluent, white male. In an unsurprising irony, it’s almost exclusively white men who are telling me that I am a man-hater.

This accusation began the moment I healed from my dissociative disorder and decided that I would no longer abandon my voice, my dignity, or my sense of self to make other people comfortable.

Coincidence? I think not.

It wasn’t just men on the internet, either. Guys I knew in real life threw temper tantrums over my newfound self-esteem. Blatantly ignored my boundaries, even though I couldn’t have stated them more clearly. Negged me in an attempt to knock me down a few pegs. Fired me (most likely) for speaking up about immoral business practices.

Why are these men so bothered by self-assured women?

Put simply, because the second you experience something enjoyable, you subconsciously become terrified of losing it. It’s called loss aversion, and in this case, some men are terrified of losing their privilege to women.

I’ve quoted social scientist Baird Brightman before, but his comment is so poignant that I have to quote him again:

“EQUALITY! That is what ‘feminism’ and every other liberation movement is about. But when a person is used to privilege, every attempt at equality feels like an attack. And hence the blowback.”

It makes so much sense.

If privilege is a resource, and resources are finite, then those who have always enjoyed said privilege probably won’t want to share it.

They certainly won’t want to compete for it — especially if they fear, deep down, that their gender and their skin color are the only reasons they’re ahead.

If qualified women take up space, less qualified men may be shoved to the sidelines. If capable women decide they deserve better, apathetic men can no longer contribute the bare minimum to relationships. If resilient women heal their deepest wounds, avoidant men will be forced to either acknowledge their own hurts, or be perceived as ignorant, detached, and emotionally stunted.

Formerly privileged men will have to fight tooth and nail to prove that they’re worthy of respect and acknowledgment — which is exactly what women have been doing for millennia.

So no, I don’t hate men; I like people who strive to become better people, regardless of the bodies and circumstances they were born into.

Source: Your Tango

Why is your partner so distracted?

Speaking on JoyNews’ The Law, Justice Tutu warned that couples often overlook the potential consequences of property ownership and distribution due to the excitement and emotions involved in marriage preparations.

“It’s a normal thing for people to overlook the consequences when they are preparing to marry because, at that stage, they will be blinded by the love,” he noted.

Justice Tutu emphasised that marriage is not solely a spiritual union but also involves significant social and legal implications.

As such, he advised that couples must be aware of the potential outcomes related to property acquisition and distribution in the event of divorce or the death of a spouse.

Justice Tutu highlighted the importance of understanding the legal ramifications of property ownership within marriage.

He urged soon-to-be-married couples to educate themselves on how their assets would be handled in case the marriage ends or one partner passes away.

“It’s very necessary for would-be couples to know the consequences of their properties when it comes to divorce or maybe death,” he stated.

Justice Tutu will be one of the speakers at the much anticipated Marriage Governance Conference 2024, which is being organised by MarryRight Ghana Limited.

He will be speaking on the topic ‘How Do You Protect Your Private Property In Marriage’.

The event will come off on Tuesday, August 27, 2024, at the British Council from 9 am to 3 pm.

Source: Myjoyonline.com

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When something happens, I can feel any way I choose.

I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to be angry. And I’m allowed to be pissed. Sure, this could come off as irrational, but it’s how I see the situation.

You don’t get to tell me how to feel. You have no right to tell me I shouldn’t be angry at the situation. And I can feel a certain way if I choose to as well.

I’m allowed to be pissed at you. I’m allowed not to speak to you ever again. How I choose to respond is up to me.

I can hate you if I choose to. I know I won’t because it’s not physically possible for me, but that backs up my point even more. I’m allowed to feel that way.

It doesn’t matter who you are to me. For example, I don’t care if you’ve been there my entire life or for two seconds. I don’t owe anyone anything. And just because we have a relationship doesn’t mean you get to speak to me in any way you see fit.

I’m allowed to cut you off and never speak to you again. And honestly, why would I want to have a relationship with you after the way you had spoken to me and treated me?

Seriously, consider that. If I spoke to you in the degrading way you spoke to me, would you want to speak to me again? If I acted in the immature way you did, would you want to keep our relationship intact?

I have a strong feeling you wouldn’t. I think you would be just as mad as I am, maybe even more.

So maybe you can finally see my side of the equation.

As of right now, I’m done with our relationship, and I don’t think or know if it will ever go back to the way it was.

The only way I can see us mending fences is if I got an apology from you. And even then, I don’t know if I want to restore the relationship.

You shattered my positive view of you and broke my heart. I don’t think I want to restore a relationship with someone who felt it was OK to speak to me that way.

Even if you did apologize, it would have to be sincere. Otherwise, you’re just putting a bandaid on and saying, “There I fixed it,” even though all you did was protect yourself.

So for right now, the relationship that we once had is broken. And I don’t know if I want it back to how it was because it won’t be the same.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to keep them around, especially if they don’t treat you properly. Love doesn’t mean you get to say and do whatever you want. And you sure as hell don’t throw it in the faces of the people you claim you love.

Source: Unwritten

In a sermon that has gained widespread attention, Pastor Otabil challenged the common belief that financial stability is a prerequisite for marriage.

He shared a personal story, revealing that he wasn’t wealthy when he married his wife, to the extent that he had to paint a bench white to use as furniture in their home.

“If you’re waiting to be rich before you marry, then your head is not working properly,” Pastor Otabil stated in the viral video. “You don’t want to marry, but you’re sleeping together. You want what’s reserved for marriage without going through the process. Be bold and marry.”

Pastor Otabil stressed that the church is prepared to bless couples who wish to have a simple marriage ceremony, free from the pressures of elaborate celebrations.

“Set the date. If you’re afraid of a veil, don’t wear one; if you’re nervous about a gown, don’t wear it. Just come to the church office and say, ‘This is the woman I want, and this is the man I want.’ We ask, ‘Do you?’ and you say, ‘I do.’ That’s it. Then, you start planning your life together, and you’ll find that the battles you face become easier to manage,” he concluded.

Watch the video below;

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Compatibility is key to a long-lasting relationship.

Public relationships often come with a certain level of glamour and excitement, especially in the age of social media where couples can share their love stories with the world.

Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with love, compromise, and sometimes, a little bit of healthy banter.

He has no intention of committing, and now that she is asking for a little more, he’s finding reasons to back away. Unfortunately, this type of commitment-phobe will likely sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.

Here are 8 signs you’re not getting enough commitment from a partner:

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time

Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

2. You haven’t met each other’s friends, family and/or co-workers

Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life.

You won’t know what their work life is like and you probably won’t get to know their friends. Meeting each other’s families is a huge deal, and usually happens around the three-month mark, according to a YouGov poll.

They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don’t have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can’t meet their friends.

3. You haven’t seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room

Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a waystation to shower, change clothes, and sleep on those rare occasions they can’t stay with you.

4. He’s attentive and charming when you’re together

Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learn social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

5. He doesn’t take no for an answer

Commitment-phobes don’t do conflict and can’t deal with rejection. If you start standing up for yourself, he’ll soon be gone.

6. He’s a last-minute planner

Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The commitment phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time.

As part of his normal mode of operation, he’s going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he’ll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

7. You feel crazy

The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one.

Why do some of us end up feeling crazy in a relationship? Love is supposed to be calming. According to studies, having a difficult partner can lead to increased feelings of loneliness, and eventually feeling crazy.

In Amy’s situation, he blamed her for “screwing it up” just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won’t want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you’ve never seen before in him.

8. He lost interest when things got serious

Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

Dating a commitment phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them.

If you are struggling with this kind of man, don’t deny your experience and make yourself the wrong one. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends.

If that doesn’t help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

Source: Your Tango

Over the next four years, I found out. I became her: the embodiment of everything I pitied in someone with commitment phobia.

Even though we’d just met, I felt a level of emotional intimacy with Max that I hadn’t experienced before. Our conversations were deep, intense, meaningful. But I still tried to maintain our friendship status; I didn’t want to be his rebound.

Then one night while we were drinking a couple of beers with Keith Sweat’s “Nobody” playing in the background, he asked me to dance. Before I knew what was happening, our faces were inches apart, hands were roaming, and we were nearly kissing.

“This is getting dangerous,” I said. He pulled me closer.

In the midst of the exciting romance that ensued, I completely lost my footing. Like anyone in love, I began to float through life. Everything I knew about myself became negotiable.

For example, two weeks after that first kiss, he whisked me away to Joshua Tree, where we stayed at a campground with no running water and I had a blast. Pre-Max me would never disappear for a weekend with a guy I’d known for such a short time. And without running water? Please.

Max stretched my comfort zone, or maybe I was just willing to be uncomfortable if he was by my side. His free spirit released me of the self-imposed chains that kept me confined to a safe, simple, and, dare I admit, boring life. And in the process, he introduced me to a part of myself I didn’t know — a part I liked.

We surfed in ice-cold waters, hiked up Angels Landing (an incredibly tall mountain with nothing more than a chain-link railing to cling to as you spiral up to the top in a single file), and cruised through America’s heartland on a Harley. I felt like I was living someone else’s life. And I loved the person I was becoming.

He was everything I thought I wanted — the cowboy, the artist, the guitar player, the dreamer, the romantic. When I came home after a long day at work, I found rose petals scattered in the entryway of my building and hundreds more strewn throughout my apartment.

When I left for a day with the girls, he completely remodeled my apartment — a new couch, new accents, new lighting. How could I resist a guy who rides a Harley, excels at interior design, and paints landscapes?

If I hadn’t been blinded with the rush of new romance, I might have surmised that Max was overcompensating for an unsteady heart. His statements about marriage and forever were pessimistic at best.

Six months into the relationship, I wrote in my journal, “If this guy ever gets married, he’s going to have to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming.” But even my intuition couldn’t shake me of the desire to heal his wounds, erase his fears and prove to him that love can last.

Like most women, I was sure I could change him, that in a few years when I was ready, my love would make him want to get married.

Over the next three years, our friends found partners and got hitched in the time we were still just dating. We watched these couples break engagements and marriages, thankful that our relationship was solid.

But over time, I began to question why we hadn’t jumped on the marriage track.

Sure, Max was full of fun, laughs, and adventure, and I loved the carefree girl he brought out in me, but I wanted more. I was ready to grow up, buy a home, and have a family of my own. He wanted to maintain the status quo: a responsibility-free party zone.

“How would you react if I delivered an ultimatum as your ex did?” I casually asked one day, hoping he wouldn’t recognize the question for the ploy it was.

“I would do whatever it took to hold on to you and buy myself some time,” he said sweetly, averting my gaze. He bought three more years.

In the same way that love took me to a new high, it also showed me how much I would sacrifice to save the part of myself I found in Max, the part of myself I held inside all along. The more I obsessed about marriage, the more I felt our life together slipping away.

My need for commitment and children began to color everything we did or didn’t do.

I dropped annoying hints about tying the knot, felt a pang in my chest when friends announced their engagements, and began to view our rock-solid relationship like it was teetering on top of Angels Landing.

It was my 30th birthday when Max played for my family a highlight reel of our relationship, with Norah Jones’ “Come Away With Me” playing in the background. Slowly, the images changed from our reminiscences to pictures of him walking on the beach, and then leaning down and writing in the sand.

“He’s going to do it,” I thought. “He’s going to propose!” My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. I was coming out of my skin. It felt like a dream come true, an answer to my prayers.

When the camera panned back to the words “will you…” imprinted in the sand, he got down on one knee. My parents popped the champagne, we toasted with plastic glasses, and he gave me a ring!

After the proposal, Max was like a little boy on Christmas morning, sharing the news with friends and family, the way a child shows off a shiny new bicycle. He was so proud of himself. I shared his excitement, but in the back of my mind, I wondered if he was buying more time.

Once we set a date, I had to drag him to appointments, remind him to design the invitations, prod him to get a guest list from his mother. He became reclusive, quiet, and irritable, and I began to feel like an unwelcome guest in his life, a victim of his commitment phobia.

I tiptoed around him for fear that he would snap at me, or worse, snatch the fantasy away altogether. So I backed off and gave him space while the clock ticked away.

As the wedding drew closer, he stayed at work later and later, went on weekend adventures with the guys, and disappeared for hours to run simple errands. I could sense he felt trapped like he was gasping for air, but I was clinging to the commitment I thought we had.

I nestled into his chest one night and whispered, “I don’t know who you are, but I want my boyfriend back.”

“I’m trying to find him,” he said.

Then he pulled me close and drifted off to sleep while I silently bargained with God: “Please let him come to his senses and realize that we are meant to be together.”

Two months before the wedding, God answered my prayers — and he said no. Max finally told me, “I can’t get married.” I packed my things and left. Max went to Mexico.

In the weeks and months afterward, I tried to visualize what my new life would be like without him. Where would I work? Where would I live? Would I ever fall in love again? I stayed, temporarily, a few hundred miles away in my niece and nephew’s playroom with a giant stuffed Elmo as my roommate.

I was safe there, sandwiched between my sister’s family life and the single life I was terrified to re-enter.

I lived my days in a fog of tears and spent nights as a walking cliché, nose-deep in break-up books with Chardonnay and chocolate to numb the pain.

All of this against the backdrop of my one-year-old nephew’s cries from the bedroom next door, a deafening reminder of the family I craved.

On some level, my devastation was comforting because it was definite. Limbo was over, and I finally had a grasp on reality.

The waiting, wondering, and trying to be strong for both of us had come to end. And I was slowly realizing what I had given up for him: the chance for something better.

While Max helped bring out my adventurous, silly side, he also suppressed the safe, play-by-the-rules side that thrived on tradition and family. And eventually, he robbed me of my deepest desires.

“You deserve a man who could never let you go,” said my brother-in-law.

And that’s when it finally clicked. To be truly happy, “my” guy would have to honor both sides of me: the free spirit and the nurturer.

Living with my sister and brother-in-law, I saw how a real partnership works, how both people in relationships sacrifice for the good of the team, but how neither sacrifices the other. That was missing for Max and me.

For the first time in my life, I knew exactly who I was and what I would and wouldn’t compromise for love, especially not with someone with a fear of commitment that he couldn’t overcome. And I knew that, when God denies your prayers, he often has better plans.

Source: Your Tango

A wedding or engagement ring is often seen as a powerful symbol of love, commitment, and connection in a relationship.

So when your partner suddenly stops wearing their ring, it can naturally raise some concerns or questions.

While this change might seem alarming, it’s important to consider its various reasons before drawing any conclusions.

Why? Because breaking up is painful and people would rather delay dealing with it and avoid feeling the pain for as long as possible.

How long does it take to get over a breakup? According to the results of one study by OnePoll, it takes about 3.5 months to heal, longer for divorce.

If you’re unhappy and in a relationship you sense isn’t serving you any longer, then read on. (If, after reading this article, you feel you need more in-depth guidance and support, be sure to take me up on my offer at the end.)

Here are the 5 ‘marriage gasps’ that mean a relationship is over:

1. Constant fighting that doesn’t let up

Has your relationship become a battleground? If so, then the only thing you have left in common is conflict. When you’re at this point, the relationship is no longer nourishing you. Instead, it’s depleting you.

Fighting can be healthy within a flourishing relationship, but continual repetitive purposeless arguments with nothing being resolved indicate the relationship is over.

2. Having almost no common ground anymore

When all the things that connected you at the beginning are now replaced with a multitude of differences, you may find all the activities, habits, and even where you want to vacation no longer align.

The most common place this shows up is in a matter of time. One partner feels that daily intimate connection is vital, while the other prefers just weekends.

3. Boredom

Another way to tell it’s over is when you’re waking up depressed, vaguely disconnected, and blue. You’re not sure what’s the matter with you. Nothing terrible has happened, you just have an overall feeling of hopelessness and very little joy in your life.

This often means the essential vitality in your relationship is gone and you’re not “in love” anymore.

I want to point out there is a big difference between comfortable familiarity and boredom. The best metaphor is the difference between a comfortable pair of shoes and old shoes that have worn out and hurt your feet. Check in and see which shoe fits YOU.

4. Emotional distance

This is when you become aware that the person you’ve been relating with is no longer there when you reach out to make contact. Any attempt to have a conversation consistently triggers a negative response.

This is what people mean when they refer to “a lack of communication.” When communication has broken down (verbal, intimate, emotional, affection), this is experienced as emotional distance.

5. A change in geography

Many relationships that have gone past their expiration date collapse when there’s a change in geography. Habits and routines are often the glue that binds and supports a relationship.

For this reason, an ending relationship will be severely impacted by a change in location. The relationship was being held together by the house, the neighbourhood, or the town.

Couples will buy and build their dream house and, once moved in, the relationship falls apart. It may look like moving was the problem, but actually, the breakdown was already occurring long before.

Source: Your Tango

In any healthy relationship, there should be mutual respect, love, and understanding. It’s natural for partners to occasionally make compromises or adjustments for each other.

He claimed that, despite the kind intentions behind his wife’s gesture, he felt self-conscious about his co-workers’ reaction.

He accused her of embarrassing him by bringing his favorite lunch to work.

In his Reddit post, the man explained that he was recently hired at a large company after moving with his wife a few months prior. His wife, of course, was excited about this new work opportunity and talked to him about potentially preparing a surprise to celebrate, which he was looking forward to.

However, his happiness quickly faded once he realized what his wife’s surprise was.

“She showed up at my workplace two days ago with a meal she said she prepared specifically for me since it’s my favorite. Apparently, this was her surprise,” he wrote. “I was [a] little upset she brought it to my workplace.”

He claimed that his angry reaction had more to do with what his co-workers said about it than the fact that his wife had made him lunch.

His co-workers, who he described as being “vicious” and “brutally honest” people, began teasing him about the meal that his wife brought.

One of them, named Austin, even made a “joke” that his “mommy,” referring to his wife, was incredibly supportive for bringing him lunch to his workplace. He clearly felt embarrassed that his co-workers were making these jabs and were laughing at him, and unfortunately, they continued into the next day.

“I went to work the next day, and Austin kept making jokes about me, saying, ‘Is mommy going to bring lunch today as well?’ And, ‘When is mommy coming to change your diaper?'” he continued.

Feeling incredibly awful about all of the comments, he went home and confronted his wife, accusing her of embarrassing him and ruining the respect and prestige that he had with his co-workers.

She argued that she was simply trying to do something nice for him by making and bringing him lunch.

His wife is right. All she wanted was to surprise him and congratulate him on receiving a great opportunity. It’s not her fault that his co-workers chose to bully and tease him about it. Instead of taking his anger out on his wife and blaming her, he should’ve taken up the issue with his co-workers.

PsychCentral noted that this type of behavior is known as displaced anger. Simply put, the aggression that should be directed elsewhere or diffused is pushed onto someone else. “It’s not fun to be the recipient of someone’s anger, especially when it’s not even your fault,” Dr. Michael Kane, a board-certified psychiatrist and Medical Director at the Indiana Center for Recovery, explained to the outlet. “Displaced anger can cause tension, arguments, and hurt feelings in any type of relationship — romantic, platonic, or familial.”

“The argument escalated after I suggested that she could’ve waited till I got home to surprise me with this meal instead of showing up while I was working, which made me seem unprofessional,” he added. “She said she came during lunch break, but I was still working during lunch break.”

His wife pointed out that it seemed as if it was easier for him to place the blame on her instead of standing up for himself — a sentiment echoed by almost every commenter. But if that’s not an option, in an effort to keep peace in his workplace, he needs to find an outlet for his frustrations that doesn’t involve blaming others. VeryWellMind suggests exercise or even breathing exercises to diffuse the displaced emotions.

He reiterated that she should’ve “consulted” him before showing up to his job, and was angered even more when his wife stood firm and insisted that it wasn’t her behavior that caused the issue at work, but the behavior of his co-workers.

Instead of expressing gratitude that his wife took the time out of her day to do something memorable and loving for him, he turned it around on her, which isn’t fair in the slightest.

Maintaining privacy in your home is essential, especially during intimate or private moments.

Thin walls and close living quarters can sometimes make it difficult to keep these moments truly private.

However, there are several effective strategies you can use to ensure that your neighbours remain unaware of your private activities.

Being the firstborn comes with its own set of unique challenges and expectations.

Often, firstborns find themselves navigating roles and responsibilities that younger siblings might not fully understand. Here are some common wishes that many firstborns have had:

They claimed he was a user and only wanted me for my money. However, I dismissed their claims because I thought that they were jealous that I had finally found happiness, especially since everything seemed to be working out.

My husband was the complete opposite of what they claimed he was. We built a beautiful home and lived the fairytale until one day, he left me for an older woman.

It was sudden. I didn’t see it coming since we were more than happy together. Henry had no reason to leave our marriage, especially for an older woman, which made the betrayal feel even worse. The most challenging part was how I would raise my children alone. They loved their father and I didn’t want them to think ill of him.

I was confused about what to do and what to tell our children. So, for the first few months, I lied to them that he had gone on a work trip.

“Mum, where’s dad?” They asked persistently.

“He has travelled. He’ll be back.” I would tell them.

I hoped that Henry would show up during that time so I didn’t have to explain to the children what was going on but he didn’t. It took months for me to even know where he was.

Apparently, he hadn’t moved very far. He was spotted close to my neighbourhood driving a new Range Rover in the company of a known sugar mummy.

I didn’t want to believe that my husband could stoop to that level so I continued denying that it was him until I saw him with my own eyes. Indeed, he was driving a Range Rover around the neighbourhood like he was a king. He looked so carefree and didn’t seem concerned about the family he had left behind. I hid behind a kiosk as he passed by so he wouldn’t spot me but I was tempted to cause a commotion.

I went home with my head down, trying to figure out how I would break the news to my children. It was close to a year and they weren’t buying the story that their father was on a trip.

“Where’s dad?” My youngest child asked.

I hesitated as I fought back tears.

“It’s okay, mum. We will understand.” My firstborn said which gave me the strength to tell them.

“Your father is living with another woman.”

“So, it’s true!” My son exclaimed.

“What do you mean?”

“One of my schoolmates told me that my father wasn’t on a trip. He was seen in a Range Rover with an older woman.”

I was shocked by how much my community gossiped about people’s lives. Nonetheless, I was relieved that my kids finally knew the truth. I could now live life without worrying that my kids would find out the truth.

Surprisingly, they were not as distressed as I expected. My youngest child was more upset since she was close with her father but after a few days, she realized that her life wasn’t any different with or without her father.

The other challenge was how I would be able to support my family financially. Though I had a good job, I was not capable of doing everything on my own, especially since my daughter was about to join school.

I suspected that was the reason Henry walked out on us. He never supported me financially since he said that I had money but I had been pressuring him to start contributing more financially since we were about to start paying school fees for two children.

He seemed cooperative at first and promised that he was working on a business deal that would make us rich.

“Don’t worry babe. You won’t have to work once this deal comes through.” He said.

Prior to walking out of our marriage, Henry had been going on trips more often than usual which made me believe that he was working on a business deal. Little did I know the deal was actually my husband sleeping with an older woman.

I didn’t have a choice but to be strong for my kids and life moved on as it always did. Actually, I was doing great. I got a promotion so I started earning twice my salary. I no longer worried about money and I could finally start enjoying life.

Out of nowhere, Henry showed up at my house. He looked weak and unkempt like he hadn’t been eating well. Obviously, I didn’t want to know what he was going through but he looked like he was on the verge of death so I took pity on him and allowed him in the house.

I served him some food and a glass of juice so he could replenish his energy. Once he was satisfied, he raised his head and smiled for the first time.

“Thank you, my wife.” He said.

“I’m not your wife.”

“I know I did you wrong but I have come to apologize.”

“Before you apologize, why do you look so dishevelled.”

“It’s a long story, but I need your forgiveness first.”

I’m not one to hold grudges so I forgave him. He asked if he could stay with me until he got back on his feet which I also agreed to.

“We are not getting back together though,” I warned him.

A week later, he still hadn’t told me what had happened and he kept dodging the question.

“You need to tell me what brought you here or you can’t stay in my house anymore.”

“I made a mistake.” He started. “I shouldn’t have followed that older woman but she enticed me with promises of a good life.”

“You had a good life here,” I interjected.

“I know and I shouldn’t have left. She did give me a lot of good things but for what good were those things when it came at the cost of my health.”

I was silent knowing what he was about to say next.

“I’m HIV positive.” He said then broke down in tears.

Though he looked sickly, I didn’t suspect that he was infected but luckily, we hadn’t been intimate since he came back to the house. I took him to hospital and he was put on medication.

However, I couldn’t live with him anymore. He went back to his parent’s home in the village where he had been living and thriving. He started a farming business and even got another family.

For me, I closed the dating chapter for good. I’m focused on raising my kids and enjoying my single life and since most women in my community are single mothers, I have been navigating my new life easily.

I couldn’t put my finger on it at that time. James’ close circle was his elder brother, Tom and his best friend from high school, Brian.

Initially, I liked their brotherhood. They say someone’s close relationships can indicate his commitment ability and social skills, and we all want someone who keeps friendships. James scored highly in this area.

We’d just come back from Malindi after a weekend down there. We had gone to celebrate my birthday, just the two of us. I had a couple of hectic weeks and wanted some downtime as I reflected on the past year. James went to great extents to ensure I had a lovely time. As we walked on the beach, we had a conversation that I felt took us to another level of intimacy.

“Babe, you know we’re growing older and we need to start making decisions for our future,” said James.

“I know what you mean because I have been feeling it too,” I said.

“I have been toying around with the idea of buying land in the outskirts of Nairobi.”

“Where do you have in mind?” I asked him.

“Ruiru and its environs,” replied James.

“I like the area. It’s growing fast and has good amenities,” I responded.

“We can go check out what’s available at the end of the month,” said James.

The conversations got so intense that, at some point, I wondered whether he was planning on proposing. We had been living together for three months at the time. We had fought about nothing significant besides his brother and friend being around the house too often. “Babe, you know they were used to hanging out here. Give them time to readjust to the changes,” James had said in their defence.

We went back to Nairobi and resumed regular scheduling. I knew that at the end of the month, we had plans. A week before the planned date for our land search, James went out with Tom and Brian. One of the days on the weekend was set aside for the boys, which I didn’t have a problem with. I also liked that I got time to do my own things. So, James went out with the band and returned later at night. I was already asleep when he came, but he woke me up.

“Babe, babe, babe get up,” he said excitedly.

“What’s going on James?” I asked, struggling to open my eyes.

“Come check out what I got.”

He took me to the parking lot in our apartment building. That was where he showed me the speed bike he had just bought. His friend Brian was a biker and had encouraged James to get one, too, so that he could join the community. James blubbered about how he had gotten a good deal on it that he couldn’t pass.

A week later, we looked for land parcels that we could buy. It was one of those trips that made you question your ambition levels and achievements in life. The realtor taking us around the area told us stories of some of the estates that were coming up. He told us about businesswomen who started as grocery vendors but slowly graduated to wholesale suppliers of the same and had formed a group that was now creating a whole estate.

Some houses we saw in the area were beautiful and massive, with unique architectural designs. Like a salesman worth his title, the realtor told us more stories about the area and its occupants. We spotted something we liked and got lost fantasising about how life could be in the area. We went home with a mission and a new goal at the end of the visit.

As expected, James shared the details of our visit with his boys. They even planned to go back the following weekend. When James came back, he was singing a different tune.

“Did they like the area?” I asked him.

“Yes, generally but it’s too expensive,” said James.

“Okay. I’m listening,” I said, wondering where the conversation was heading.

“You know Tom and Brian were thinking of buying land in Athi River or somewhere around that area. It would be good to be around people we know. Plus I just bought the bike so I need a bit of time to top up what was left,” said James.

“What about all the reasons behind our decision to zero in on that area?” I asked him.

“We can find good schools anywhere and other amenities. I know you have business interests on Thika Road but that’s why people have cars. The weather could be different but we’ll get used to it. I think it’s important to be around people you know,” James replied.

“It took one visit with your boys to change your mind about something we had discussed at length about our future? Let me not even talk about that bike!”

“You have a problem with my bike?” James asked.

“Who impulse buys something worth hundreds of thousands?” I said in frustration.

“It was a good deal and to be frank, it’s my money,” James said defensively.

“I know it’s your money but we had plans as a couple that came before that purchase that you’re now using as an excuse. This always happens when you’re with Tom and Brian,” I said, realising my mistake as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

“Do you also have a problem with my blood brother and Brian, my best friend of  many years?”He asked.

“I didn’t mean it like that. However, you always seem to make decisions that affect our relationship when you are with them,” I said, struggling to salvage the situation.

James was angry. I knew I could have explained the matter better because it seemed as though I was attacking his close circle, but I was angry. I wondered whether the decisions of his boys would dictate our lives forever. It had happened many times before, but those were minor things. We would discuss something and agree on a plan, but our plans would change once Tom and Brian whispered something different. They didn’t even need to talk; they just needed to do something else.

Once James told Tom and Brian, our relationship ended. There was animosity between us, and Brian even suggested that I was trying to control James. I couldn’t win against the people he had known for most of his life. Except for our relationship, they had shown up for him so many times, so I didn’t fight it.

“According to the Kinsey report
Ev’ry average man you know
Much prefers to play his favorite sport
When the temperature is low
But when the thermometer goes way up
And the weather is sizzling hot
Mister Adam for his madam is not
Cause it’s too too too darn hot”

The whole of the United States is currently experiencing an unusual heat wave. The area where I live, near Palm Springs, California, has been a rare 115 or more degrees for the past several weeks!

There are ways to keep intimacy intact during such miserable weather that does not involve, to put it bluntly, sweaty bodies sticking together. Let’s look at a few that will depend on availability and personal inclination.:

1. If you’re lucky enough to have a swimming pool nearby, even an athletic club that has one, go. I find the best times are early morning or at the end of the day— if you have your choice. In these days of urban living there are very few old watering holes for skinny dipping, so use what you can.
2. No nearby swimming pool available? A small investment in a plastic kiddie pool to wade and splash in might work. When the weather eventually comes to its senses, you can donate the pool to a neighborhood preschool.
3. Follow a swim with a tepid shower or bath together. When no pool is available an indoor tub or shower almost always is.
4. Visit a local park and lie down under the trees with a good book. Read to one another. (I suggest children’s books, comic poetry, or short stories.)
5. Have a bedroom lie-down together with a wet washcloth on forehead and/or belly. While you might be in bed together, remember no hanky panky. These suggestions are activities instead of.
6. Go to an air-conditioned movie and hold hands. Best choice is a comedy or rom-com.
7. Visit a cool and educational place like an aquarium or museum, if your city is lucky enough to have one.
8. Have cool drinks on your own or a restaurant’s patio. Talk to one another, preferably about intimate matters.
9. Take a bus ride, on any bus, as long as it is air-conditioned and on a route with which you are unfamiliar. If your city is lucky enough to have one, take a guided tour.
10. If all else is unavailable, take a cup and a bowl of water each and have a water fight while appropriately dressed—or un.

The point of all the shenanigans is to have fun with your sweetie while it’s too hot to have many of the other kinds. Spend time together in unusual ways. Laugh together. Learn something new about one another and look forward to the eventual arrival of fall.

If you understand how these blind spots arise, you can more effectively weed out those men or women who would be a poor romantic match. That’s a big win.

Think of this knowledge as an emotional “survival skill.”

After all, you want to put your energy into relationships that are most likely to be rewarding and fulfilling but avoid those that leave you disappointed, betrayed, and sometimes bitter.

We Both Like Peanut Butter So We Must Be Soul Mates: Self-Essentialist Reasoning Bias

The first bias to consider is “self-essentialist reasoning.” This term refers to a common bias that begins with the idea that people tend to assume that everyone has a core or essential essence. This core essence, in turn, is unchanging and responsible for driving a person’s behavior.

There is a tendency to be attracted to and think the best of those with whom we believe we share our core essence.

Examples of “core essences” include being empathetic, courageous, adventurous, or creative. None of this is to imply that research shows that people can be defined by a core essence, only that we have a bias that assumes this to be true.

How does someone come to conclude what another person’s core essence is? Here is where the unconscious bias comes into the picture because our tendency is to first categorize others based on attributes we share in common, and then assume that these shared attributes also reflect a shared core essence.

An example of this bias is believing that because someone shops at an organic grocery store, and you too shop at that store, then this other person also shares your political views, drives an electric car, and wants to save the environment.

That is, because they share some superficial similarities, they also share deeper, more essential similarities that reflect your own essence.

One way self-essentialist reasoning influences romantic attraction is through the illusion of compatibility. When we meet someone who we believe shares our own essence, we tend to believe they possess many other important core similarities, which in turn makes them more attractive.

Although you could be correct, it is best to assume that the jury is out until more evidence is presented. The risk of falsely believing that you share deeply important qualities with someone to whom you are attracted is that you will then begin to develop a relationship with someone who, in fact, lacks the foundation you are counting upon.

You Are Great at Pickle Ball; You Must Be Smart, Creative, and Successful as Well: The Halo Effect Bias

The halo effect refers to a psychological bias wherein our positive view of one aspect of an individual tends to unconsciously push us to view that person more positively in other areas as well.

This is similar to the “self-essentialist” bias, but the difference is that it does not focus on an assumption of sharing core personal qualities. That is, we do not begin with a belief that we and another person share the same core essence. Instead, it is enough that the other person displays some virtue or quality we highly admire. This, in turn, leads us to assume they also have several other desirable qualities.

This bias can also enhance romantic attraction as it leads us to credit potential romantic partners with virtues they lack and downplay their flaws. The result is an idealized version of the person we desire, but not an accurate understanding of who they truly are in life.

When our idealized view of someone conflicts with reality, a mental battle occurs, and reality always wins.

You’re Beautiful; I’m Sure You’re Also Funny, Insightful, and Wealthy: What Is Beautiful Is Good Bias

Physical attraction often provides the initial spark that draws individuals together. When physical attraction is strong, people tend to assume that the person is not only attractive but also possesses a number of other desirable qualities.

This bias is known as the “what is beautiful is good” stereotype. Put another way, attractive individuals cause us to automatically assume they have any number of other desirable (yet unproven) qualities.

Someone who is perceived as physically attractive, for example, may also be seen as kind, intelligent, or trustworthy, even in the absence of any supporting evidence. The handsome and beautiful people of the world benefit, in first encounters, by having many other desirable qualities attributed to their “win column.”

It would be unfair to begrudge them this benefit. After all, they are not intentionally attempting deceit but are simply enjoying unearned points awarded by how the human brain works. But it would be unwise to not appreciate how this dynamic may be at work the next time you find yourself in the throes of strong attraction.

Beware of assuming too much. No matter how beautiful or handsome the target of your affection, they are no more likely to have those other qualities you seek than the less attractive individual standing next to them.

Combating Bias

The first step in minimizing the impact these biases have on a developing romance is to simply be aware of their presence. Seldom do you find an absence of their influence in the early stages of a romance. Being aware of their presence allows you to take steps to minimize their impact.

You can do this by considering what draws you to that person. Take some time to really pinpoint the specific qualities that you find attractive. Then, reflect on what leads you to believe that your love interest truly has those qualities. What’s the evidence?

If you end up feeling stumped when looking for supporting evidence of these attractive qualities, this should raise red flags of caution. Take a step back emotionally and consider whether you are under the influence of one of the three biases we’ve discussed.

Perhaps they do have these qualities but the relationship is too new for them to have fully emerged. Or perhaps you are only desiring that they exist. Either way, you will want to follow up with candid conversations about these specific concerns.

It’s essential to cultivate open and honest communication. By candidly discussing one another’s needs, desires, and concerns, a deeper understanding of each other will develop, and clearer choices can be made regarding your desire to move forward or end the relationship.

Marriage is a journey of growth, understanding, and mutual support, built on the foundations of trust, respect, and communication.

It is a bond that brings joy, companionship, and stability to those who enter into it, and is often considered a fundamental aspect of human experience.

Whether viewed through the lens of romance, family, or community, marriage remains a vital and enduring part of our shared human heritage.

Despite its advantages, a bad marriage could leave both partners in a state of persistent unhappiness, conflict, and emotional distress.

On today’s edition of Joy FM’s Super Morning Show, listeners were asked about “What do you wish you knew before marriage?”

The discerning listeners mostly male who called in believed that it was important to know temperament of the parents of your prospective partner as well.

Listen to their views in the audio below:

I’ve taken virtual classes and have colleagues I’ve “met” in those classes who I’ve never met in person. All of that is fine. I do try to recognize these relationships for what they are and accept their limitations. I’m suggesting you try to do the same.

If you can’t answer these 5 basic questions, it’s not a real relationship:

1. Should I be concerned that he doesn’t want to meet me offline?

Yes! You should be concerned if he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real face-to-face says he has something to hide.

It could be the same thing that explains why he’s never available in the evening or on the weekend. Someone who doesn’t want to meet you is not a boyfriend, friend, or any other type of intimate. They’re just someone you talk to online.

2. Why am I always the one initiating contact?

Great question. Why are you always the one waiting for the magic “ping” signalling contact from this person? You’re waiting because you’ve stopped living your life and you’re living for a person you hardly know.

I know, when you contact him he’s quick to respond and flirt. It’s still a sign that he might not be that into you. It’s a sign that he’s likely not that into you. Set a timeframe during which the relationship has to progress. If it doesn’t, it’s time to move on.

3. Am I spending too much time with people online?

Maybe. Your high school boyfriend who you haven’t seen in 15 years is not your boyfriend. Why are you spending hours chatting him up online? It didn’t work out the first time, right? You might consider what you are not doing that you would be doing if you spent less time online.

Like having dinner with your friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real person. Consider adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as online friends. You can also try a little technology cleanse.

Pexels / Lisa Fotios

4. How long do I go without face-to-face interaction?

I’m talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online contact and what are you missing out on? One study concluded that only real-life friends lead us to feel happier.

Another study found that you can have a lot of online friends, but you won’t feel supported by them the same way you do by your real-life friends. Online chats, texts, and even phone calls are for getting to know someone. Once that’s done, it’s time to move on and meet up, or end it.

5. Why can’t I find him on Google?

Not everyone has a huge internet presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone who graduates from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should be listed on a licensing website.

The absence of this type of confirmation ought to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little concrete validation that they’re who they say they are. After all, people lie.

Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. Then move away from any imaginary boyfriends you uncover and keep it real.

Physical intimacy is neither a test nor is it bookkeeping. It’s a play, it’s a dance, it’s a creative recipe with which you continually experiment.

It is the opportunity to spin an exquisite physical confection from what you two do outside the bedroom.

So rather than grade yourself on technique and wonder, “Should I put this leg here, that finger there, hoist this body part over that body part?” begin by asking, “What opens my man’s heart outside the bedroom?” Carry those ingredients into the bedroom.

If you want to create the kind of intimacy that bonds you deeply and learn what men want in bed, then consider this three-step process.

At the end of the day, here are 3 simple things men want:

1. Your acceptance and love

A 2018 study showed one of the main ways many men secretly carry shame — real and imagined — of being inadequate, of “losing” in dozens of ways, of failing in competitions. As the woman, you have the unique opportunity to be the soothing harbor in his rough seas. So accept him as he is. Bathe him in acceptance.

PeopleImages.com – Yuri A via Shutterstock

Tell him — through your words, your eyes, and your hands as you caress and hold him — just how much you love him. “I love you.” “I think you are perfect.” “I love the things you do for me.” “I am so grateful you are in my life.” “I love your body.” Do this without any qualification and too much detail so his attention doesn’t get fixated so that shame cannot enter.

2. An invitation to be a hero

Men generally don’t want to be told what to do, especially by their partners as seen in 2020 research on perceived power and gender. But we love being invited to be your hero. And most men feel more worthy of being the giver than the receiver. So many men tell me that satisfying their partner is what turns them on the most.

So invite him to please you. Again, not only with your words but with the language of your body — your writhing and moans and sighs and shudders. Let him know and feel what is opening your body and heart (notice I don’t say, “what he’s doing ‘right;” remember, no schoolmarms in bed).

I had a longtime lover who did just the opposite; rather than inviting me to open her, she angrily criticized any “false move” I made as not merely wrong, but proof I didn’t love her because I couldn’t intuit what she wanted. It was like playing that old board game Operation (Bzzz! You touched the wrong part). I would leave the bedroom feeling as if I were (if you’ll excuse the pun) a bush league player. No surprise here: I eventually traded myself to another team.

3. A reward for getting it right

I have a secret formula for women who want to know what men want in bed and it works for dating, marriage, and intimacy. It’s sort of the “source code” for men’s inner world. And it is this: Acknowledge and reward a man more deeply into his virtues.

A study from 2013 reinforces how people are trainable by using conditioned responses. In this case, as will be often for you, his virtues are basically what you want him to do. When he does something you love, let him know, then instantly reward him with your sweet or ravenous words. Do this and he will be far more likely to do that thing again — and feel like a hero for getting it “right.”

One final guideline: Men like to feel worthy of doing things. Some kill bugs. Others provide. Some fix the plumbing. You can offer your man release from his “doing state” by telling him clearly, “OK, now just lie back, honey. This one’s on me. You don’t have to do anything at all.”

Then check in for guidance as you go along, and make sure he keeps his hands to his sides. Have him practice receiving your love. It is a deep and altering gift. And if he is a good man, this will fuel his desire to please you in all ways.

If there’s one thing Parisians want tourists to know before millions of people descend on their city for the Olympics, it’s a simple, seven-letter word.

“Bonjour.”

Knowing how to say “hello” in French might seem like a no-brainer, but experts say it’s the essential first step if you want to make a good impression. Take it from a former US expat who lived there.

“If you’re going to France and you don’t start off all your interactions with ‘bonjour,’ you may be in for a little bit of a rude awakening,” says Elisabeth Guenette, who regularly shares language tips and cultural insights from her time teaching both in France and in the US with her 150,000-plus followers on social media.

And the locals back her up. Asking for help? While “excuse me” might be an acceptable way to get someone’s attention in the US, in France it would be considered overly abrupt and rude.

“Starting with ‘bonjour’ will already drastically change your experience,’ Guenette says. “That is the No. 1 rule.”

And that rule applies whether you’re checking into a hotel, buying a baguette or making a restaurant reservation, says Countess Marie de Tilly, a French etiquette coach whose clients include brands like Chanel and Cartier.

“If you don’t say ‘bonjour,’” de Tilly explains, restaurant staff “won’t work too hard to book a table for you. It’s the key.”

Guenette says the same expectation applies if you’re simply walking into a store, even if you’re just casually browsing for souvenirs and not necessarily looking for help from the staff.

“This is a difference with American culture,” says Guenette. In France, “any store where you walk in and you can see the people who work there, you need to greet them.”

The differences don’t stop there. Here’s what else you need to know to save yourself from making a major faux pas in France.

French 101

Asking someone to take a photo for you? Say “bonjour” first.

Maja Hitij/Getty Images

Just like “hello” is essential for starting off on the right foot, knowing how to say goodbye is equally important. That’s “au revoir,” but if you want to switch it up, you could also say “bonne journée” (Have a nice day) or “bonne soirée” (Have a good night) if it’s evening.

Speaking a few words in French can go a long way, Guenette says.

“Knowing a tiny bit of French to begin your conversations shows that you are respecting their culture,” she says.

“They most likely will speak English,” she says, but it’s important not to assume.

Be willing to try to speak in French, even if you might make a mistake, says Marie de Tilly.

“It’s exactly the same when I go to the US… I can try to speak English,” she says.

So, if you’re willing to try to speak French, here are few more terms to know:

S’il vous plaît: Please

Merci: Thank you

Pardon/Excusez-moi: Excuse me

It’s not about perfect pronunciation, but rather about showing respect for the country you’re visiting, de Tilly says.

“People want to see that you make an effort.”

Café culture

In a country renowned for its cuisine, “meals are sacred,” Guenette says.

While taking 15 or 20 minutes to eat a quick meal is fairly common in the US, that’s not typically the case in France, where historically it’s been illegal to eat your lunch at your desk.

Instead, workers often take advantage of the “formule du jour,” a two- or three-course meal deal advertised on chalkboards outside of countless Paris bistros.

“Meals are a precious time, and they take time,” Guennette explains. Your meal “is going to take more than just half an hour and they’re not going to be rushing things to you.”

Service also looks different in France, Guenette says.

“The waiter will not be regularly coming over to your table” to ask how everything is. “You have to very much make eye contact or signal to them to let them know you want them to come to you,” she says.

And France’s tipping culture reflects that. Tips are appreciated, but generally not expected.

“There’s no additional motivation for them to win you over,” Guenette says. “They expect to be treated like a person, and they’re going to treat you like a person.”

If you have the time for a sitdown meal, Guenette highly recommends eating at one of Paris’ iconic sidewalk cafés. Unless a table has a reserved sign or already has cutlery on it, in most cases you can seat yourself. Otherwise, you’ll want to walk inside and ask the staff for a table, Guennette says.

“And yes, you do sit next to each other,” she explains. As opposed to being seated across the table from your companion, this way, everyone can face the street and participate in another quintessentially Parisian pastime: people-watching.

“That is something I always recommend when people go to France: Just sit and relax,” she says. “Even if you don’t have that much time, take an hour because that is the true French experience.”

But during the Olympics, securing a coveted reservation is likely to be a bit more complicated. Since the crowds of tourists will be even bigger than usual this summer, Marie de Tilly recommends booking a table in advance if there’s a specific restaurant or rooftop bar you’re hoping to visit. De Tilly also notes that mealtimes are another area where France diverges from the US: Dinner service usually doesn’t start until 7 p.m.

Table manners

As an etiquette coach, observing other people is a big part of de Tilly’s job – and there’s one trend that seriously concerns her.

“I’m very surprised to see young foreigners that don’t know how to use a fork and a knife,” she says. “When you go to a nice restaurant in Paris, it’s awful to see that.”

It’s important to have basic knowledge of the local culture and its traditions, de Tilly says – like the fact that foods you might be used to eating with your hands, such as hamburgers and pizza, are commonly eaten with a fork and knife in France.

If you don’t want to attract unwanted attention in a restaurant, there are a few more things you can try to blend in.

First, keep the volume down.

“Every country you go to will have a different standard of volume for conversation,” Guenette says. “France is definitely on the lower end.”

If you speak too loudly in a public place, whether a restaurant, a museum or the Metro, “you will get looks,” she says.

Guenette learned this the hard way years ago, when she was at a particularly boisterous dinner with fellow teachers from the US and the UK.

“I was embarrassed,” Guenette says. “I am in somebody else’s ‘house,’ somebody else’s culture, and there are things I can do to show respect for the fact that this does not belong to me.”

One more way to show your respect: If you’re wearing a hat, take it off before you go inside, Guenette says.

“Historically America used to be like this, too, but times have changed,” she points out.

Polite company

Expressing curiosity is a simple way to show your appreciation for the culture of the country you’re visiting, especially as a first-time visitor, Marie de Tilly says.

“It’s very important to ask some questions … to show respect and show your interest,” de Tilly says. “What is very important and elegant is to ask people, what are the traditions?”

So, even if you have a fully planned itinerary for your trip or have an idea of which wine you want to order with dinner, don’t be afraid to ask locals for their advice. You might end up discovering a museum off the beaten path or a new favorite wine pairing.

Personal questions, however, are frowned upon – even ones that might seem standard in your home country.

“If you are around my table for example [and] we are invited to the same dinner, I will not ask for the first time, ‘Are you married? Do you have children?’” de Tilly says.

Similarly, you won’t want to go right in for the classic cheek kiss, or bises, if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, Guenette says. That’s reserved for friends and friends of friends. If you don’t know someone personally, say “Enchanté” (Nice to meet you) and introduce yourself.

“Definitely don’t go to a restaurant and do the bises to your waiter,” she says. “That would be very inappropriate.”

Also inappropriate? Discussing politics at the dinner table – especially after the country’s recent elections.

“It’s really touchy because there’s two extremes, the right and the left,” de Tilly says.

Blending in

If you don’t want to stick out, here are a few more things to keep in mind.

When you’re taking the Metro to get around the city, hold onto your ticket as proof of purchase until you’ve exited the Metro station at your destination, Guenette says. If you lose it, you may be on the hook for a big fine. According to the official website for public transport in Paris, getting caught without your Metro ticket could cost you up to 100 euros ($109) on top of what you already paid in the first place.

If you want to make things a bit easier on yourself, Metro passes are also available for purchase and may save you some money.

Next, eating on the go isn’t widely accepted.

“You’ll stick out,” Guennette says.

So if you decide to buy a homemade sandwich from a food stall in one of Paris’ covered markets, resist the temptation to dig in while walking to your next destination. Instead, find a spot to sit down away from the city’s bustling sidewalks – for example, a bench in the quiet Square du Temple – Elie Wiesel, the rolling hills of the Parc des Buttes-Chaumont, or the banks of the Canal Saint-Martin.

The same goes for lugging around a big water bottle.

“It’s not common,” Guenette says. “And it’s usually tourists” who do it.

But standing out doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, Guenette says.

“Do whatever you want, just be aware that if you do this thing, people will know that you’re a tourist,” she says. “And sometimes, who cares?”

Fact vs. fiction: Are the French actually rude?

Born into one of the oldest families in French aristocracy, de Tilly is an expert on savoir-vivre, or good manners. By her own definition, that means understanding how to coexist with people around you, no matter how different or similar you may be – and she’s made it her mission to teach foreigners and the French alike how to do just that.

Etiquette, however, is about much more than “please” and “thank you” in de Tilly’s eyes. One of her areas of expertise is training employees of luxury brands on how to receive customers in their stores.

“When you come for the first time into Chanel, even if you don’t have money… you have the right to a good welcome,” she says.

“We said it could be awful for traffic,” she says. “I’m living in the center of Paris, and you can’t imagine the mess.”

But now, she says Parisians see that their city is ready for its moment on the world stage. She’s even looking for tickets herself.

“I hope with all my heart that it will be a success,” she says. “We need it now because the mindset for French people is very difficult because of all the politics.”

In Guenette’s experience, the stereotype of the rude Parisian is an exaggeration.

“A lot of it comes down to not having a common societal understanding of the politeness expectations,” she says. “If you are able to go into these situations understanding what their expectations are, people are much more willing to engage with you.”

She points out that most people don’t take kindly to rudeness, no matter where you’re from.

“If they feel like you’re being rude to them, it makes sense that they are then going to kind of reciprocate that,” she says.

Ultimately, de Tilly says, French people are proud of their culture – and that pride can sometimes be taken for arrogance.

“French people love their way of life,” she says. “And I think it’s so important that people come to France to see that.”

Well, it might just be that you’re attracting the wrong men. Understanding why you attract the wrong type of guys can help you attract the right ones.

So, here are six common things women do to attract the wrong kinds of guys. Stop doing them, and you’re bound to meet someone better.

1. They pretend to be someone they aren’t

While you want to make a good first impression, you don’t want to falsify yourself. When you give off the wrong you, the wrong guy will be attracted to you. When you meet someone by being yourself, you’ll be able to gauge right away if the person likes you for you, and if you like him for him.

2. They ignore red flags

In hindsight, you can probably identify problems with each wrong guy you end up tossing to the side. Use this hindsight information for future guys, so you can move on much faster. The process of dating is weeding through the ones that aren’t good for you to find the ones that are, so don’t ignore the warning signs in the beginning!

3. They put up with too much too soon

Everyone has personality traits that annoy others, but some people have many that irritate people immensely. If you are one of those people who is incredibly annoyed by the new guy in your life, don’t put up with it. All you’ll do is waste time and regret that you didn’t move on sooner when that person’s annoyance becomes unbearable.

4. They don’t listen to their gut

Your gut instinct is much smarter than you believe. If you think back to some of the bad guys in your life, how many times did you feel like something was off with them from the start? Well, that should have been your sign to get out. Start to listen to yourself more. Your gut knows who you want in your life, and it will help you find him if you let it.

5. They turn away advisors

Your friends and family love and care about you. While they aren’t always right, they can be accurate when it comes to new guys in your life — especially if they all agree. If your friends and family say that a new guy in your life is not deserving of your love, you might want to start considering their advice. Just be careful with this one because at times , loved ones do have ulterior motives for why they don’t want you to date someone. Just stay open to their thoughts and consider them.

6. They lose control of the relationship’s progress

When couples lust for one another, they have a tendency to move through the stages of a relationship too quickly, which often leads to the end of it. Don’t ruin a relationship by letting it get out of control. Move on at a pace that makes you and the guy comfortable, and if one of you doesn’t feel confident about something, don’t make that move. It’s better to ease into a strong bond than to rush into a weak one that breaks.

Start dating with a new perspective. Dating can be fun, and it should be. When you take it too seriously looking for your future husband, you’ll quickly find it to be the biggest problem in your life. Take a break from the pressures you’ve placed on yourself, and just meet people.

Go out there and keep the above suggestions in mind. While it may feel awkward at first, you’ll quickly see how much easier it is to turn away the guys you wouldn’t want to be with, and how much simpler it is to attract the one you want in your life.

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This phrase underscores the seriousness and permanence of the marital commitment.

When people hear that someone is in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, especially when lives are at stake, their first question is, “Why don’t they leave?” If you’ve never been through an abusive relationship, this type of response might seem reasonable. Just throw the deuces up and move on with your life.

But for Christians and believers in the Bible, 1 Corinthians chapter 7, verses 10 and 11 state clearly that a person can only remarry after their partner dies. But the question is, would you rather die a natural death or die for marriage?

Rita’s story will amaze you and leave you with many questions begging for answers….

He told me, “You are on your own; you have no money and, when it comes down to it, no one is going to help you.” My low self-esteem contributed to my staying. I had struggled with low self-esteem and self-worth from childhood. I endured domestic abuse for over 15 years. The situation finally imploded when we were living abroad. I have four children and knew I had to get out when he threatened their well-being. Life and people had taught me that a skinny, dark-skinned girl was ugly and worth less than others.

Over time, I started to believe this lie. When I went into early adulthood as an 18- or 19-year-old, I aimed to find someone to love me and make me feel valuable. I did not realize I could only attract someone who believed what I already thought about myself.

When he started calling me names and hitting me, I just figured it was a part of the process of love. Besides, from early childhood, I had seen women beaten by men who said they loved them.

Although it was an unhealthy relationship, I was afraid to let go. I was also convinced that no one else would want me. I thought he was my only chance at love. Although the “love” he gave was not always lovely, in my mind, it was something.

Staying in an abusive marriage is a deeply personal and multifaceted decision often influenced by fear, financial dependency, emotional ties, and societal expectations.

Abuse in marriages has become alarmingly widespread, with both men and women suffering severe consequences, including physical harm, psychological trauma, and, in extreme cases, loss of life. Often, the abusive behavior may initially seem like love and passion but reveals itself as toxic and manipulative over time.

Abuse is not limited to physical violence; emotional abuse and manipulation are far more common and can be just as damaging. These forms of abuse are harder to recognize and even more difficult to break free from, often trapping individuals in a cycle of trauma.

Both men and women can fall victim to such behavior, and the realization often comes after marriage, when leaving can seem impossible due to various constraints.

Many people stay in abusive marriages for the sake of their children, believing that maintaining a two-parent household is beneficial. However, the environment in which children are raised is crucial. Exposure to abuse, even if they are not directly harmed, can have lasting negative effects on their emotional and psychological well-being.

Single parenting is undeniably challenging, involving juggling multiple roles and responsibilities. Creating a safe, stable, and loving environment is essential for healthy child development despite these challenges.

Financial dependency is another significant barrier, as victims fear they will not be able to support themselves or their children without their partner’s income.

The lack of financial resources can make leaving seem impossible. However, there are resources available, such as child support, alimony, government assistance programs, and local support organizations, which can provide some relief and help individuals build independent lives.

Additionally, societal attitudes and misconceptions about abuse can also prevent individuals from recognizing their situation or seeking help. The stigma associated with divorce or leaving a spouse can lead to feelings of shame and failure, further discouraging victims from taking action.

Cultural and religious norms that emphasize the sanctity of marriage can create additional barriers, making individuals feel obligated to stay despite the harm they are enduring.

Misconceptions about abuse, such as the belief that it only involves physical violence or is a private matter, can prevent individuals from recognizing they are in an abusive relationship.

Narcissistic behavior, habitual substance abuse, and personality traits that lead to abusive behavior often become apparent after marriage. People tend to overlook red flags during dating and courtship, only to face the harsh reality once the initial feelings fade.

Society also plays a role in why many men do not voice that they are being abused. The fear of being ostracized or not being taken seriously can silence them, trapping them in harmful situations.

Abusive marriages are not gender-biased; they happen to both men and women.

Ultimately, leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult and deeply personal decision.

Each survivor’s situation is unique, and it’s crucial to weigh the pros and cons, seek professional advice, and prioritize the safety and well-being of both themselves and their children. Support systems, empathy, and accessible resources are vital in helping individuals leave abusive relationships and rebuild their lives.

By fostering a culture of understanding and compassion, we can help those in abusive marriages find the strength to seek a better, safer future. Everyone deserves to live with dignity, love, and respect, free from abuse.

Will you die for love, marriage, or will you die for God? Till death do us part…?

The writer, Carolyn Tetteh, is a social media executive at Adom FM.

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There was no rule against dating a co-worker, but I knew that doing so might cause issues at work. So, I thought it best to focus on my work and admire him from afar. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Adrian and I spent so much time together all in the name of “trying to teach me the ropes”. With time I also started to think that he also had a crush on me. However, I didn’t want to dwell on that thought.

After a few weeks, we ended up going on a team-building camping trip. Most of the ladies in the office didn’t like me because of how closely I worked with Adrian. So, to avoid an uncomfortable situation I took the first guard at night to give them time to sleep. Thirty minutes later, I saw Adrian stepping out of his tent and walking towards me. We spent the hour talking and laughing. By the end of the trip, he asked me out on a date which took me by surprise. I knew that it was a risk, but I agreed to it anyway.

On the day of the date, I was so excited that I woke up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday. It had been a while since I had been on a date, so I felt like I needed to prepare early. I spent the morning hours cleaning the house and shopping for groceries online so that in the afternoon I could focus on makeup tutorials. By 5 pm, I had learnt how to do the most basic makeup and it turned out better than I thought.

Adrian called me at 6 p.m. to inform me that he would be a little late since he was finishing up a business meeting. This piece of information made me smile because it meant that I had time to take videos of the restaurant. I finished getting ready and ordered the Uber. On my way there, a message popped up on my phone. Adrian had sent me money which I assumed was to pay for my ride.

“He just keeps surprising me,” I thought to myself.

When we arrived, I walked into the restaurant and was intrigued by how aesthetically pleasing it was. As a woman who was used to being taken to Mcfry and Pizza Inn for dates, this was a whole new experience for me.

Adrian arrived 40 minutes later looking as handsome as usual. We ordered our food and as we waited, I decided to take the chance to find out more about him.

“So, what’s your story?” I asked.

“My story?” He asked with a smile.

“Yes, how is a man like you still single?” I asked.

“Well, I was in a relationship for three years and last year she cheated on me. To make matters worse she ended up getting pregnant,” He replied.

“Damn, I’m so sorry to hear that,” I said.

“How about you?” He asked.

“The last man I dated didn’t want kids and that was a deal breaker for me,” I said.

“How did you know he wouldn’t change his mind?” He asked.

“I had a feeling that it was a decision he would stand firm on,” I replied.

“Interesting,” He said.

“Do you see yourself as a future dad?” I asked.

“I already am actually,” He responded.

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a child,” I said.

“Not of my own, I help my ex to take care of her baby,” He said casually.

“What?” I asked.

“After she broke the news to the man she cheated on me with, he left her. So, I offered to let her stay at my place for a while and sort of warmed up to her son,” He replied.

“So you live with your ex and her baby?” I asked.

“Yes, but as roommates,” He said.

The waiter brought us our food and for the rest of our date, I tried my best to act normal. However, I felt like Adrian could tell that my mood was off since I stopped asking deep questions. When it was time to leave, he escorted me to my Uber and asked me to call once I got home.

During the car ride, I thought deeply about what he had said, and it made me feel worse. That’s the problem of having expectations. I thought that his flaw would end up being something that I could deal with, but this was heavy. By the time I got home, I didn’t even have the energy to text or call him, so I went straight to bed.

On Monday during my lunch break, I decided to go to a nearby restaurant for lunch and was surprised to find him there. He signalled me to join him.

“Hey Adrian,” I said as I sat next to him.

“Hey, is everything okay between us?” He asked.

“Yeah, I just think it’s best if we keep our relationship strictly professional,” I said in a disappointed tone.

“Okay, no worries,” He replied.

In as much as I felt bad, his response calmed me down. If only I knew it was fake. From that day onward, Adrian gave me the cold shoulder which attracted attention in the office. I tried my best to keep a low profile and ignore the gossip and stares even though it was annoying.

Luckily, a few weeks later he went on leave and people let me be. By the time he came back, he acted like I was a stranger. But at least now the rumours had died down and I could focus on work with no distractions.

Research has shown that feeling emotional pain can truly be agonizing. Your brain reacts to the sensation of a broken heart in the same way that it responds to physical pain. So to say that you might feel out of your mind with grief is not an understatement. And it can feel like you’re going crazy, or doing things that you’d normally never do. If you find yourself doing things that are totally out of your character, then it might be due to the pain that you’re experiencing over your breakup.

You might find yourself perpetually watching his activity on social media or analyzing his online photos for any signs of a new love in his life. Or catch yourself driving by your old hangouts hoping to see him. You find yourself toying with the idea of reaching out to his buddies for information. You fight the urge every day to text or call him to either negotiate some kind of compromise or question him to death to feel some kind of closure. You feel crazy. Your emotions feel as though they’re consuming you and nothing seems to help. Not the nightly pint of ice cream or the overindulging in alcohol or the marathon of sappy movies you can’t seem to stop watching.

Every song is a reminder, as is every place you go. Sometimes you might even catch yourself holding your phone, wondering if you should text him and secretly hoping that he will text you. Even your friends are starting to get that glazed look in their eyes when you talk about the breakup… again. They’ve given you their best advice and shoulders to cry on, but now it’s starting to get uncomfortable. But you don’t know how to stop it and pull yourself out of the sticky pit of feelings you’re stuck in. So how do you get off this emotional merry-go-round and get over your break up?

You’re tired of feeling out of control. You know you have to get over it and you want to, but the emptiness nags at you and it feels like you’ve lost control of your brain! You’re either feeling numb from the emotional exhaustion or fatigued from the relentless questions circling in your head.

What can you do now to stop this madness? How can you better cope with these out-of-control feelings? What can you learn about yourself from this experience and perhaps better handle any future similar situations? Rest assured, you’re not a lunatic. You’re just in pain, and there are practical ways to cope. The only thing you have control over is yourself and your emotions, not your ex. The best way to get through this period is to cut them off and focus on things that only benefit you. Little by little, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.

Even the ones you knew were inevitable. You may swear off dating for a while after a breakup or jump back in immediately.

Either way, you have a choice. You can choose to learn from it and magnetize a better relationship next time. Or do what most people do, which is accumulated more emotional baggage to drag into the next one with you.

Unless you let go, it’s like taking a deep breath and holding it for the rest of your life.

Imagine if everyone took responsibility for learning from the last relationship and growing stronger and more confident before the next one.

Dating would be completely different. Probably much more fun and empowering rather than disappointing, scary for the heart, and destructive to your self-esteem. Most people won’t because blaming the other person is so much easier.

But you can do it! Making a list can help you face the reality of your relationship — both the good and the bad — and help you move through your feelings.

On top of that, these lists can help you see some patterns in your relationships that will be helpful in your future, if and when you fall in love again.

Here are 5 painful questions to ask yourself if you have a pattern of bad relationships:

1. What did you like about him?

Even the most painful relationship had something in it to get you to stay as long as you did. Was it feeling connected to him? Just having someone there? That you laughed a lot together? Did he cherish your feelings? Did you feel protected and happy when you were with him? Include what you liked about the relationship itself, also. Some of these you will be able to get in the next one (when you’re ready) and some were uniquely him.

2. What did you dislike about him? (This will be your go-to list when you’re missing him!)

It’s common to think of and miss the good things after a breakup even if the relationship was bad. That connection to another person is severed and it can create feelings of loneliness and loss. This list helps to give you a more realistic view. Did you feel like you weren’t a priority to him? Or that you felt the need to make excuses for his behavior or attitude? Was he hard to talk to or always suspicious of you? Maybe he didn’t eat well or take care of himself. List everything, even if it was his crooked nose you didn’t like. List everything, whether it seems superficial or not. When you miss him or miss the two of you together, this is the go-to list to remind you why it’s okay to be apart.

3. What makes you a great catch? (This will be your go-to list when you’re ready for love again)

What are the qualities you bring to the table? List everything that makes you a great catch. Are you a good listener? Do you always have his back? Are you an excellent cook? Are you enthusiastic about life and love? List everything you can think of. Also, be sure to list what he will miss about you that he can’t get from someone else. What was uniquely YOU, that he will lose after the breakup? If there are any additional characteristics you want to improve before you meet someone new, list those here and get busy becoming the woman you want to be. The woman that makes YOU happy. That will raise your self-confidence and magnetize a more confident man next time because you attract what you are on the inside.

4. What did you learn about yourself before (or after) the breakup?

Did you learn that you are an excellent girlfriend? Or that you felt insecure and needy the whole time? Did you invest your heart completely or hold back to avoid getting hurt and now you think you screwed it up? Were you jealous, drama-ridden, untrustworthy, or whiny? Or were you compassionate, loyal, honest, loving, and supportive? Whatever you learned about you… Own. It.

Add to this list how you felt about yourself before you met him. How did you feel during your relationship, and how do you feel about yourself now? Did your self-confidence go up or dive? Did you feel unhappily single before and now you realize single feels better? Or did you feel safe and happy in your relationship and look forward to the next one?

5. What do you need to work on before meeting the next guy?

Do you need to build your core confidence, so you can remain calm and connected during conflicts? Do you need to learn more about how to express your feelings in a way your man understands?

As you know, men and women do speak different languages. And yes, it is your job to figure it out if you want a healthy relationship. What sounds good to you and me may have a man running for the hills! All you need to do is know yourself and know how to communicate effectively with men. That will get you going in the right direction and the results will blow your mind! Warning: After making your lists, you may feel like kicking yourself.

Thoughts like, “What was I thinking, being with this guy?” Or “Why did I mess it up by (fill in the blank)?” Or “Why didn’t I see all those red flags?” Stop it! This is the clarity you need to move forward with more confidence.

Next time will be different if you learn from this time. If not, you may find yourself in the rut of having the same relationship again and again with different guys. Are you wondering why you are doing all the work to improve yourself when you’ll probably just meet another guy who doesn’t deserve you? If you are, I have good news for you…

You can only attract men on your same energetic level.

In other words, when you do your inner work, your energetic frequency (like a radio station) goes up. You will be more likely to attract a man who’s done his inner work as well and not as destined for a breakup. You will also meet the occasional guy who seems to be one giant red flag. He’s just a test… a catch and release.

Listen to and follow your intuition always. That’s your GPS and it will always lead you in the right direction even if it looks wrong at first. And note that I said “personal.” Your friends may not agree with what your intuition tells you, to do but follow it anyway.

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