A) WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THERE IS NO AGREEMENT?
If the people in any relationship or close association realize that they are not in agreement (typically close friendship, dating, courtship, marriage, in-law relations, colleagues at the workplace or on a board, mates at school, ministry or business partners), I will suggest the following steps for examination and application in order to work towards the needed agreement:
1) They should admit that there are disagreement and lack of unity —this is the key and the starting point for solving any disagreement problems (similar to all other problems). Once the person or people will not admit to the facts, no help or remedies can be offered.
One of the chief hindrances to God’s favour and blessings is disunity or disagreement.
2) The real source or root of the disagreement should be traced and acknowledged.
3) The one with the right insight, who is able to spot the problem or feels concerned, should patiently, humbly, and prayerfully bring the other person or people to the same realization.
4) Note that some people are really very difficult to deal with, and they have fixed mindset on any issue with no flexibility by way of reasoning sensible with people they relate to, giving room for any input, and understand their opinions or suggestions. They are very narrow-minded in their views, always insisting that they are right (no matter the situation), and possess very poor ability to reason with you and agree with you even on simple matters.
You need to be VERY PATIENT TO TOLERATE AND CONTINUE TO BE NICE, GENTLE, MERCIFUL, COURTEOUS, AND KIND TO SUCH PEOPLE. You should never compromise any godly or good standards that you adhere to, but you must also carefully avoid undue insistence, stubbornness, hardline attitude, rudeness, expressions of anger and frustration, insults, boycotts, sarcasm, unkindness, apathy, withdrawal, denials etc. on your part; otherwise you could pour more gasoline on the burning fires, create an inferno, and make matters worse.
That is when the signs or threats of reprisal, resignation, withdrawal, separation, ending of a contract, cancellation of a promotion, break in communication, cessation of the support for a project or a celebration, breaking of courtship, and divorce begins to rear their ugly heads.
Ask God for the grace to use wisdom, genuine love, and prayer to keep trying to make things work out; and trust God to open the mind and eyes of such difficult people for them to finally see your point of view for agreement to become a priority that has to be worked out in the relationship.
I can imagine you saying: “Hmmm, this is easier said than done oo!” Hahaha! Yes, I agree with you. Things can be very tough. But please don’t stop trying, okay?
“With God, NOTHING shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37). Keep believing, and keep trusting the Lord who gave you the relationship with that particular person.
5) The facts of the whole matter and the state of the relationship should be freely discussed in as much detail as possible.
6) The discussions should not be mere expressions of concerns and airing of opinions without any conclusions. Confessions should be made as appropriate, followed by sincere apologies and total forgiveness where necessary.
7) They should then begin to devise workable plans and principles that are acceptable to all parties involved, to build units that will strengthen the relationship. They must commit themselves to practice the principles as tools for agreement.
8) They should determine to work hard on themselves sacrificially and encourage each other to remain faithful in their commitments till an agreement is reached as best as possible. The focus should be on inner character, mindset, and attitudes.
9) Whether it is a relationship between husband and wife, whole family, children in a home, a lady and a gentleman courting, a Pastor and his assistant or congregation, a class at school, Church or company Board, parliament of a nation, business partner, co-worker, in-law, neighbors in a community, a ministering group, or fellowship etc., the people involved or whoever recognizes the problem of disagreement must pray and show love and kindness until agreement is reached.
10) There should be continuous evaluation of the relationship and affirmations of the good in people, for encouragement, promotion, and maintenance of deeper levels of agreement.
11) From personal experience, making time to meditate on scripture and praying together are two indispensable and vital primary keys for the building and establishing of humility, submission to the opinions and needs of one another, hope, love, forgiveness, mutual trust, unconditional kindness, and maintenance of the infrastructure of mutual agreement in any relationship.
B) DEAL WITH DISAGREEMENT BEFORE YOU TRY TO MAKE PROGRESS
Very often we try to accomplish results in a spirit of disagreement and falsely believe that we are getting somewhere with our efforts only to realize in the end that we have been deceived. In many instances resources and efforts are wasted, results are not achieved as intended, and the little agreement which might be there to start with is eroded. We rather promote more disunity, and even if any results are achieved they often have no permanent value.
This is very common in homes, families, churches, businesses, and other relationships. For example, some parents have forced their children to pursue a course of study in school contrary to their talents and gifts, and spouses have coerced their partners to follow them to places and plunge into pursuits against their will and God-given destiny.
Some people have forcibly caused investments to be made in areas where the parties involved were not in agreement, and have created havoc that is sometimes too enormous to fully repair. The statement: “When a man is convinced against his will, he is of the same opinion still” has always been true.
I know that some of you are saying: “If we are always going to wait and be sure of complete agreement before we move, then we will never even marry or undertake most projects with family members and friends!” Yes, you are making a good point here. What we are suggesting is that if you are going to have a bonded companion for a lifetime and call the one “my fiancée”, “my husband” or “my wife”, then you must learn to do things together with him or her, right from the time of courtship through the entire marriage. Rarely will both husband and wife, for example, have the same vision, desire, or aspirations simultaneously, although it can sometimes happen that way.
A Pastor and his associate or leaders, as well as friends working together, or parents and their children can be miles apart on an issue, but still, try to force their way through for success on the very rough seas to no avail.
However, valuable experience is exhibited and worked into your character when you learn to patiently and humbly discuss matters with your mate or companion and give him or her all the facts, and the opportunity to understand and run with you in the cooperative agreement.
Scarcely will two partners or companions living or working together in any circumstance, obtain the same ideas, desires, and aspirations at the same time. The ability, humility, wisdom, faith, and patience you exercise to make matters knew and wait for the other fellow to “catch the vision”, demonstrates a true mark of your maturity, and the extent to which you value the relationship or association with the person.
It is noble and wise on your part to seek for your partner’s point of view, and respect his or her input even if the one is wrong. The patience you exercise in faith, believing and loving the disagreeing partner and waiting till he or she arrives at an understanding position, is one of the valuable gems that result from the disciplines of relationships, marriage, and family life. Nothing tests your faithfulness, loyalty, spirituality, maturity, patience, and love more than the effort to work on an agreement with your mate or close associates. It is a painstaking process, and not an instantaneous act or a flight by night.
In fact, it is even dangerous if you receive instant agreements from a companion who will not give you any input, does not make you know his or her mind and flows along with you like a robot! Such people can be dangerous to your ultimate success!
Learn to enjoy the victory of character building, maturity, and cooperative lifestyle in companionship that results from lovingly working hard to achieve agreement. Such agreement gives a sweet and solid foundation, and a restful heart, in united labour that is resounding and gratifying.
As you row along in your boat of life, diligently seek for results that are lasting, by being a true peacemaker and a wise friend who loves to operate within the boundaries of peace and agreement in all of your relationships, for enduring legacy that will take your successors to the next level.
By: Rev. Dr Samuel Kisseadoo, Virginia, USA. Professor of Biology, International Evangelist, Ordained Licensed Minister, Marriage and Relationships Counselor, Conference Speaker.
Obtain more from Dr Kisseadoos, book: “Restoring Broken Relationships” at Challenge Bookstores in Ghana, Baptist Bookstore opposite Anglican High School at Amakom in Kumasi, or at Fruitful Ministries office in Accra Ghana (233-208126533), and places where books are sold.
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Email: kisseadoo@msn.com. Website: www.fruitfulministriesint.com.
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