Dear Coleen, I have a problem with my boyfriend’s ex and I’m not sure how to play it. When I got together with him, he was still with her. They’d been in a relationship for eight years, which was fizzling out and that’s when we hooked up.
I accept we hurt her a lot and I doubt she’ll ever think warmly of me, but she has kept in touch with my boyfriend, probably because of the amount of time they were together and the history and friends they share.
It really gets to me that they’re still in touch, not least because we have a baby now. My boyfriend is quite naive and I don’t think he’d suspect she’d want to start anything sexual or romantic, but I’m not so sure.
She does have a boyfriend, so why is she keen on staying close to mine? I go over this in my head all the time, trying to stay sensible, but I don’t trust her.
When she found out about us, she was devastated and turned up at my flat crying and shouting at me for stealing him and ruining her life. It was awful, but I figured I probably deserved it.
Should I tell him I want him to stop seeing her and talking to her? I guess I’m feeling insecure.
Coleen says
Well, the relationship was fizzling out from his point of view, but did he tell her that?
It shocks me that she wants to be friends with him, but hates you when he’s the one who cheated. So, let’s deal with how you feel. You kind of knew what you were getting into with him and I think the reason you feel insecure is because you know how you met him.
Your relationship started as an affair and, subconsciously, you might be thinking: Is this going to be me eight years down the line when the honeymoon’s over?
His track record isn’t great, so perhaps you can feel some empathy with his ex now you’re feeling insecure.
He’s probably enjoying the fact he has you and the baby, and his ex still wants to be in his life – it’s good for his ego.
If I were you, I’d be saying that while you can’t dictate who he’s friends with, he needs to decide which relationship is more important. And if he loves you and knows this friendship is upsetting you, then he should step back from it.
ce I’d thought about it, I realised he was right; it was getting in the way of our relationship, so I stopped. If your boyfriend can’t do that for you, then it’ll be hard to build trust.