Dear Coleen,
My husband of 11 years had a two-month affair with another woman.
I genuinely didn’t see it coming and it hit me really hard – I thought we were happy.
He always told me that he was and that he loved our life together.
The affair came to light when she threatened to tell people. I’m 15 years older than my husband, she is 15 years younger than him.
So, in effect, she was young enough to be my daughter. He can’t explain why he did it – which doesn’t help.
I’ve never had much confidence and now I have none. This happened about 12 months ago and I’ve had counselling to try to get over it, but my husband says if we keep talking about it we’ll never move on.
However, I just can’t get it out of my head or my heart. I don’t talk to him about it now and no one else knows apart from my counsellor.
Things between us are exactly the same as they were before he had the affair, apart from the fact I hurt so much.
I regret I didn’t kick him out when it happened, but I was so focused on “fixing” things and working on the marriage. Now I think if we’d split up, it would have given me time to process how I felt rather than being intent on getting things back on track. We still have sex and we tell each other we love each other, but my heart is broken.
I know time will heal, but I feel I’m living a lie.
Please help.
Coleen says
It’s not too late to take that break now. Tell your husband that you know he doesn’t want to talk about it, probably because he struggles with guilt, but you need time away to process the hurt because it’s not going away.
It takes time to move on from an affair – some people can get over it with time, but some people can’t. I have a friend who left the day she discovered an affair and never went back, but I also have friends who worked through it and 10 years down the line they’re still together.
Trust is a huge thing and not saying why he had the affair isn’t helping to rebuild that trust.
Maybe it was his ego being flattered, maybe he had a moment of madness and went for it, but he at least needs to say that to help you understand and move on.
And if people ask you why you’re taking a break from the marriage, you don’t have to discuss it if you don’t want to – just say you’re taking a time out. It’s none of their business.
But keep on with the counselling because it’s making you think about yourself and what’s good for you, not about what makes him happy.