Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and I recently found out that my wife had been having a thing with another man.
It basically sounds like an emotional affair, although she did admit to kissing him.
I was hurt and angry, and I wouldn’t have found out about it unless I’d come across some messages between them on a shared computer.
It was going on for several months and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found out by chance.
She admitted they’d got too close and was desperate to make things right between us, and said it made her realise that she doesn’t want to wreck our marriage.
She claimed it was a distraction and an escape, but she would never have slept with him or left me for him.
I’m doing my best to get past it, but I’m confused because she now wants sex a lot more than before and is going out of her way to do nice things for me and be really considerate.
It just makes me feel suspicious and a bit resentful.
Can you shed any light?
Coleen says
She probably feels guilty and is trying to prove to you that she wants to be with you and that she can be everything you want her to be.
Why don’t you talk to her about how you’re feeling? It’s OK to admit you’re not over it because it takes time to move on from something like this. And it’s OK to admit you’re feeling insecure, suspicious and resentful.
Unless you talk, you won’t know what she’s thinking and why she’s behaving in a certain way.
You also need to talk about why she needed a distraction and an escape, and what you can do so neither of you feels that way in the future.
In terms of sex, I think having more of it is actually quite common after an affair of any description because you feel like the relationship is being threatened.
When I found out my first hubby was having an affair, I gave him the best sex of his life!
I wanted to prove that I still could and to show him what he potentially had to lose. And it was the same with him – he wanted to prove he still wanted me.
The emotional fallout will calm down and as long as you keep talking and keep being honest, you can find a way back to each other.