Dear Coleen,
The other day I found a packet of condoms in my son’s sports bag, so I know he’s having sex.
He’s 17 and has been dating the daughter of some friends of ours, although he won’t say much about the relationship.
If I’ve ever tried to talk about sex in the past he’s literally curled up into a ball and covered his ears!
He hates me discussing anything like that and just says he’s not an idiot and knows what he’s doing.
I feel I need to talk to him, though, especially as this girl is only 16 and her parents are very protective over her.
She’s an only child and they have big plans for her.
They know our kids have been seeing each other, but maybe they assume it’s more as friends than lovers, as they’ve known each other since they were five and have grown up together.
It’s an awkward situation all round and I’d hate my son to be irresponsible or do anything to upset this girl, as we’d never hear the end of it. Am I panicking over nothing and how do I broach the subject with my son?
Coleen says
OK, I think you are panicking a bit and also not really giving him credit for having the condoms and obviously practising safe sex with his girlfriend.
No kid likes to talk about sex with their parents, or be sat down and given a lecture about what they can do.
The way I’ve always approached it is to let my kids know that nothing is off limits when it comes to confiding in me and asking for advice.
And if I have wanted to say something important about sex, then I haven’t made it a big scary talk. I’ve dropped it into conversation during a quiet moment.
The thing is to normalise it and don’t make it a subject that’s taboo or awkward.
Maybe the way to start is to say you found the condoms when you were doing his washing and are glad he’s practising safe sex, then tell him you’re always willing to listen if he has any questions, worries or concerns when it comes to sex and relationships.
Also, I think you need to ask yourself why you’re so worried about her parents.
Maybe this is more to do with your friendship with them and underlying tensions.
As far as I can see, your son is being responsible, and at 17, you have to expect sex to be on the agenda for many young people.