Question: I am a married man in my 40s with two kids. I have been married for ten years and have been very loyal to my wife. Recently, one of my friends introduced me to the concept of phone sex. He also shared the details of a few websites where people meet online and indulge in phone sex or cybersex. I found the concept very interesting and I would be lying if I say I wasn’t tempted. So, I soon started chatting with a girl I had met online and we indulged in phone sex. She is not from India, while I stay in Mumbai. Whatever is happening between us is just for fun and we have no intention of meeting physically. Also, I have realised that my sex life with my wife has improved a lot since I started having phone sex with the girl. Before that we had arrived at a plateau and our sex life was almost non-existent. However, trouble started in my life when my wife found out about my online activity. She created a scene and even threatened to divorce me. According to her, I am cheating on her. She thinks phone sex is also a kind of cheating. She said she would leave me and our house after the lockdown is over. I feel like she is making a mountain out of a molehill and is not even ready to listen to my side of the argument when I say that it has improved our sex life. I have told my wife hundred times that I love only her and no one else; and the girl I met online means nothing to me. How do I restore peace in my marriage? Does phone sex really count as cheating? Please advice. I need your help! —By Anonymous.
Response by Dr. Sanjay Garg: Phone sex and cybersex are very common in this digital world. In today’s hectic life, where often couples get very little time to spend together or live apart, this can be a means of their only means of any intimacy together. Many couples also use this and various other means to enhance their sexual life.
Whether this is right or wrong, there is no answer. It more depends on attitude and perception of the individuals involved and mutual consent. The essence is in understanding and communication between the partners. It should be honest and transparent and take into account the likes and dislikes of both. The need and views of both partners should be considered. Probably where things went wrong in your case was that this was not discussed with your wife before it was started. Each person’s views can vary on any particular scenario and your wife seems to differ from your perception.
A lot also depends upon how much time you spend on the phone sex and how you feel if you do not do it. If you are spending a lot of time on it while ignoring other things, then it is an issue. Similarly, if you are unable to have phone sex and then it causes severe distress, then again it is a problem. This would indicate you are starting to have an addiction to it. It seems that currently, your wife seems to feel very offended. The way forward would be to see a marital therapist, who will be able to understand the whole situation and guide you both. Let the situation calm down and then have an open discussion about your and her needs.
Dr. Sanjay Garg, Senior Consultant, Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Science, Fortis Hospital Anandapur, Kolkata