My daughter was thrown at me. I had no plans of becoming a father or be the one to raise a child. I slept free one night and woke up the next day as a parent.
This is what happened…
When Adwoa accidentally got pregnant, we made plans to get rid of it. She suggested it and I agreed. She said, “I’m only twenty years and have my years ahead of me. If I have this baby, it’s going to jeopardize all my plans for the future. My parents will abandon me and life will be very difficult for me.”
I was twenty-six at that time and an unemployed graduate. I didn’t have much going for me. I was barely staying afloat and couldn’t help another drowning person so I decided to give her the little I’ve saved over the years so she can get rid of it. She came to me one morning and I gave her the money. She said, “After everything, I would like to travel back to the village to see my parents. If you need me, I would only be a call away.”
For several days I wasn’t able to reach her on her phone. I asked everyone who knew her and they couldn’t tell me anything about her whereabouts. Four years later, there was a lady and a child at my doorstep. She said, “I’ve brought you your daughter. I’ve done well. For the past three years, I’ve been the only person taking care of her. Life is difficult now. My mom has gone totally blind and I’m the one taking care of her. It’s hard combining the two. You can take it up from here.”
I looked at the child, barely three years old. I looked at her mom, a little over twenty-four years but she looked like she was in her late thirties. Obviously, life wasn’t being pleasant with her. I asked her, “You mean this is my child?” She answered, “Look at her very well, Could she be any other person’s daughter? I screamed, “But you said you couldn’t have it? You even took money from me to do it so what happened?” She answered, “My mom realized I was pregnant immediately I stepped foot in the village. She was against the idea of me getting rid of it so she pushed me to have the child. She was very supportive until she went blind.”
I turned to look at the child. She had my eyes and nose. Her face was a hybrid of mine and her mom. She stood there innocently, oblivious to what was going on…
“What’s in the polytene bag?”
“Her clothes and shoes.”
“You’re serious about leaving her here with me?”
“I didn’t come all the way here to waste my time arguing with you. I brought her here to live with you.”
“Ok, let’s do it this way. Take her away, I’ll send money every month for her upkeep and I’ll…”
She started walking away even before I could finish my statement. “She’s not less a daughter to you than she is to me. Keep her. There are better schools here than in the village. Enroll her in one and watch her blossom into a better adult.”
She walked away and left the child with me. I screamed, “What’s her name!” She shouted back, “She’s Bombo but you can give her a better name if you so desire.” She kept walking away. She didn’t even look back. To my surprise, Bombo didn’t make any attempt to follow her or even cry. She was only three. Obviously, she was already used to being left behind in the hands of others. I looked at her and she looked right back at me. I knelt down so I could reach her height and told her, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Whatever you’ve been through, forgive me. We’ll start afresh and build as we go.” She smiled and said something gibberish.
What was left for me was how to go back home and tell my parents that I have a daughter.
My mom was very forgiving but my dad behaved Iike the dad he had always been. He was angry and disappointed in me. He was angrier about the fact that I tried to get rid of the baby. He called me careless and stupid but my mom intervened, “This mistake was committed four years ago. You’re getting angry over dead news. Let’s look to the future and what we can do to help.” My father said indignantly, “Help? He has laid his bed and so must he lie. No one is going to help him in any way. He’s old enough to take care of his own child.”
End of discussion.
I had to go back home with Bombo to start a life as a new father to an old child. I enrolled her quickly in a school nearby. I took her to school on my way to work and went for her on my way back home. It was hard, especially on a day I couldn’t leave work early enough to pick her from school. It meant, all the children would go home leaving her alone with her class teacher.
The teacher wasn’t pleased at first. She complained a lot whenever I was late. One day she got very angry; “Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing to me. I’m also a mother. My daughter is seven months old. I leave her with a neighbor when coming to school. The neighbor expects me to come home early to pick her up so she can also go on with her life. If I don’t take care, because of you, I would have no one to take care of my daughter when coming to school.” I saw her worry but there was nothing I could do. I told her my story and why I’m usually late for her; “Her mother threw her at me and left. I had plans to leave her with my parents but my stubborn father wouldn’t agree. I’m sorry about your situation. I’ll try and do better.”
I could see her sorry face after listening to my story.
“You mean you’re the only one taking care of her?”
“Yes I’m the only one. That’s why things happen the way it does. Please forgive me.”
“No, no need to be sorry. Let’s meet in the middle. Whenever you realize you’re going to run late, please call me. I will go home with her so you can come home to pick her up when you close.”
“Wow, That’s splendid and I appreciate it so much. I’ll repay your kindness someday.
On Monday I called her; “Please I’ll be late today so take her home.” On Tuesday morning when I sent her to school, I told her, “There’s something I’ll have to do at work today, so I’ll come late today too. On Wednesday late afternoon I called her. Before I could say anything she said, “You’ll be late today too, I know. Why don’t you make it simple? Just tell me you’ll be late every day, I don’t have a problem. I’ll take her home.”
What a sweet release. From then on, I didn’t need to worry about sneaking out of work early to pick her up. She’ll take her home, feed her, and make her comfortable until I came back for her. Most times she’ll be sleeping by the time I get there. She suggested, “Bring a spare dress for her tomorrow. When we come home, I can bath her and feed her and dress her up with the spare dress. When you come and she’s sleeping, you’ll only have to take her home to continue sleeping.”
Mothers. How do they do it? I thought it was easy. I thought I could be better at raising Bombo up than anyone else but a mother just walked in and made me realize there’s always a better way to do it. She wouldn’t accept money from me. She wouldn’t accept gifts too. She said, “You need help and I’m helping you. You don’t need to pay me anything.”
That’s what brought us closer.
On weekends she’ll call to check up on us. Sometimes she’ll cook and invite us. She told me to bring her even on weekends if I had a place to go. Bombo started calling her Mama and it gradually became very difficult to convince her to leave with me when she was with her. Clearly, she was stealing my daughter but I didn’t mind. She had the heart to do a better job than me.
One holiday afternoon, I went out with her and her kid and mine. It was an Easter Monday and there was a lot of pick-nick going on in town. We joined one and that was the first day she opened up to me. She was a victim of a relationship that ended badly and left behind a child. Her story was similar to mine but had a fine twist.
She got pregnant for her boyfriend just at the time they were planning to get married. The boyfriend didn’t want to have a child before marriage. She also didn’t want to have a child before marriage so they planned to ab0rt it. According to her, the night before the aborti0n, she had a dream that she had died and had been laid in state. She saw all her friends at her funeral grounds crying. In the dream, one of her friends was recounting how she died and she said, “Maafia, why did you do that? Why did you?” She was terrified when she woke up from the dream. She said, “The whole dream felt real and hit my heart very hard. I cried when I woke up and a new kind of light was switched in my head. I decided not to get rid of the baby.”
She called her boyfriend in the morning to tell him her decision. “He asked why and I told him about my dream last night. He thought I was crazy. He said I wasn’t fit to be his wife if I could believe the stupidity of my dreams. He denied being responsible for the pregnancy in front of his parents and mine. That’s when our relationship ended.”
I asked her, “He still says he’s not responsible even after seeing this beautiful girl?” She responded, “He got married even before I gave birth. He left town with his new wife and I haven’t heard from him again. Actually, I don’t want to hear from him. What I have is mine. He has nothing to claim and nothing to be responsible for.”
There was this sense of innocence and purity about her as she narrated her story. I was in love with her and was ready to claim what her baby’s father couldn’t claim and I was ready to be responsible for her. It was very difficult at first but I had to give it a try. The day I proposed to her she asked me, “Are you looking for a mother for your child or you’re looking for a wife? Don’t confuse the two. If it’s a mother you want, you don’t have to propose to me. I will do my best for your child as her class teacher. She calls me mom already, that means I haven’t done badly with her.”
Her trust in a relationship was gone. She asked so many questions and sought clarification for everything I said or did. She needed an assurance that what I had for her wasn’t temporary. She was a scared girl looking for a permanent refuge in love so after two years of being together, we both exchanged our vows in the presence of a pastor and in front of the church. She said, “I do,” and I said, “I do.” I did accept her as my wife, in good health, and in bad health until death do us part. Again, I did accept her daughter as my own daughter and vow not to treat her any differently like the way I treated my own.
She came to the marriage with one girl in hand, and I also came with one girl in hand. She had had one and I had one. Now, we both have one together, also a girl. We decided afterward not to have any more kids so we can have time to enjoy our marriage and also raise the kids between us in an environment of love and total care.
Today, when I count my blessings and name them one by one, Maafia is my number one blessing and also my number two blessing. I count her as many times as I could before anything else follows because she’s the reason life is easy and worth living.