Question: I am a 32-year-old man and I am married for just six months. I had an arranged marriage and I met my then to-be-wife just a couple of times before getting married. However, we had enough opportunities to talk over the phone or chat through WhatsApp. And we had shared a lot about our past life before getting married.
I had mentioned it clearly to her that I am a virgin and I would marry a girl who is like me. I have no objection or any opinion about people who has sex before marriage; it’s their choice and I respect that. Similarly, it’s my choice to marry someone inexperienced or, as we call them, a virgin. However, on the first night of our marriage I discovered that my wife is not a virgin and when I asked her about it, she confessed that she had a physical relationship with her ex-boyfriend and they were together for 3 years.
I feel very betrayed because I had clearly stated that I wanted to marry a girl who is inexperienced like me and then she had said she too has no prior sexual experience. Ever since it has become very difficult for me to build an emotional connection with her. And I have told her about my apprehensions to which she replied it will take some time but I will get used to it. The casual way in which she addresses the issue really makes me sad. I don’t know what to do. I am not able to build an emotional bond with my wife and if this continues, I have no idea how the marriage will survive.
Please help —By Anonymous
Response by Dr. Kedar Tilwe: Dear reader, all of us have certain notions of how we expect our spouse to be. Like you mentioned, some of us may also have certain ‘choices’ and ‘expectations’ in mind with regards to this. How you respond to this perceived breach of trust is a personal decision.
However, please understand that in real life things are rarely ‘black and white’, but are rather shades of grey. Also importantly, your marital relationship is a bond built on mutual respect and trust. It will also involve taking on the responsibilities for each other’s families, finances, social interactions, etc. You will also form the bedrock of the support system for the other person. So see if it is possible for you to not condense and judge your entire marriage on the basis of this one very personal decision made by your wife, especially as you were not a part of her life then.
Focus on the 50 years ahead for the both of you, rather than the few years that went by, which neither of you can now change. I would recommend marriage counseling if you have difficulty in overlooking this, or if you would like to have a serious discussion on this topic with your wife in a secure environment.
Dr Kedar Tilwe, Psychiatrist and Sexologist, Hiranandani Hospital Vashi-A Fortis Network Hospital