When you work with couples in clinical practice, you often hear one or the other partner say ‘It was all her/his fault. I didn’t do anything. I mostly never do anything.’ Then there are the times when you hear them say ‘This is exactly how (s)he does things and then we end up having a fight!’
Last week saw me witness this scenario yet again, albeit with a different couple. Anjali and Rajeev were visiting me for the first time. As they sat in front of me, they launched into a narrative of their history with each other and as they spoke about their problems they shared how they felt a number of their problems happened on account of what the other person was doing or more importantly not doing.
Blame gets easily directed at our partner in our relationship. We find it difficult to look within, introspect and reach an understanding of what we may be doing to contribute to the ensuing situation. We usually take an approach in which not just the problem but also the solution lies with the other. We keep telling ourselves ‘If (s)he would change this things would be ok’, ‘All it takes is for her or him to just remember this is what works’.
Not realising, we give our agency and power to control and change situations to our partner. This cycle keeps us feeling distressed, unhappy, frustrated, helpless and ultimately hopeless about the possibility of things being different. And you alone don’t experience this. Your partner probably goes through similar thoughts and experiences. This makes it a difficult cycle to break.
The sooner you recognise these patterns in your relationship, the more likely you are to be able to better manage the situations with your partner. Doing so necessitates that you stock and start focusing on the following.
Take ownership of the situation
Who contributed how much to the problem is not where you want to get stuck. In its place a more helpful approach involves taking ownership of the situation and looking at what it is that you could have done differently. Taking away points to keep in mind for the future is critical to ensure you don’t find yourself in the same spot again in a few days.
Be responsive to your and your partners’ feelings
Feelings are certainly evoked in such a situation and being responsive and accountable to them is very important. Taking stock of what you feel and addressing it ensures that you don’t feel let down by your partner in interactions. When you respond to what your partner is feeling (s)he also takes a cue from it to do the same for you.
Step away from building it up in your mind
Much of what is difficult and gets blamed on the other tends to involve how you may have built it up in your mind. We have a tendency to attribute meaning and causation to our experiences with others and more often than not these tend to be negatively skewed which make the situation and our relationship appear to be in a far worse circumstance than what it really is.
Communicate your thoughts and feelings
If you don’t share what you are experiencing, the other cannot know how to respond to it. To ensure you don’t feel like you are not understood or cared for it is important to consciously make attempts to share what goes on within you. This permits your partner to be responsive to your needs without having to guess what may be going on.
There is always another perspective
When you view situations from a different lens you will always find another perspective. Keeping in mind this aspect would allow you to not feel let down immediately in a situation. Instead you may be able to step back and understand the reasons for your partner’s different way of responding.
Maintain patience
Nurturing a relationship needs enormous patience. Maintaining it is crucial to being able to work through the challenges you and your partner face together and smoothen out the differences in your approaches. Keep moving towards being receptive and relaxed to ensure the blame game and conflicts reduce substantially in your relationship.
There is more benefit in searching for reasons and causes within your own self that allow you to take a problem solving approach to the situations you face. If blaming others is a pattern you see yourself engage it is certainly one that must be resolved.
—By Kamna Chhibber
Kamna Chhibber is the Head (Mental Health), Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Healthcare