Who knew. Also known as the ‘cold shoulder’, the silent treatment has previously been linked to less intimacy and poorer health.
But now, the first study of its kind has found that it can actually work – but only depending on how much you earn. Ignoring a spouse’s demands is likely to be the best policy for those on a lower-income.
But the controversial tactic backfires among those on higher salaries, saypsychologists. Lead author Jaclyn Ross, of California University in Los Angeles, explained: ‘Consider this example:
‘By showing reluctance to ask for the raise, he can preserve his self-esteem and lessen emphasis on the couple’s vulnerable financial situation.
‘For a wealthier couple in the same situation, the wife may perceive the husband is unwilling to make a sacrifice for his family and that can cause friction in the relationship.’ Dubbed ‘demand-withdraw’ behaviour, it has been documented by clinicians since the 1930s – but only recently researched.
It’s been found to be one of the most frequently used responses to conflict in romances – and a major cause of divorce.
Graduate student Ms Ross and colleagues said previous studies on the phenomenon have focused almost exclusively on white middle class couples.
They came up with conflicting results suggesting the common behaviour could be harmful – or helpful.
It found giving the silent treatment helped relationships stay stable for couples with less financial resources – and decline for those who were more affluent.
Interestingly, relationship satisfaction dropped for lower-income couples when the picked on spouse did not ‘exhibit strong withdrawal behaviours’.
Co-author Professor Thomas Bradbury said: ‘Even though it’s easier for wealthier couples to access resources to address their relationship problems, it can also create higher expectations that partners will make accommodations for one another’s demands and needs that underlie their problems.
Examples of the behaviour included the wives being hostile, dominating, threatening or blaming – while their husbands avoided the confrontation.
To get these findings, the researchers conducted two experiments. The first followed 515 couples with at least one child or one on the way for 18 months, four-in-ten of which were below the poverty line.
They were visited in their homes and asked to engage in a series of discussions about something each partner wanted to change about themselves – as well as a topic of disagreement.
The second recruited 414 newlywed couples who were asked to do the same. They were seen four times over 27 months.
Again the disadvantaged volunteers experienced more dissatisfaction when the husbands displayed lower withdrawal in the face of the wives’ demands.
But it was not as robust this time – possibly because they had only just got hitched whereas the others had been married for an average of five years.
She said the study highlights the importance of using diverse samples in research on couples because results can vary based on differing life circumstances.
The results could benefit counsellors who work with couples in therapy and policymakers focused on marriage and family. Jaclyn said:
‘Life circumstances may matter for relationships far more than we think – so much so that these circumstances appear to moderate the effects of communication on how happy we are in our partnerships.
‘Creating safe and secure environments helps to allow partners to relate well to each other and to their children, giving more people the kinds of relationships and families that will keep them healthy and happy.’
Of course, giving the silent treatment to sort out your differences shouldn’t be your first port of call. And, previous research has suggested that people who resort to it are more prone to anxiety and aggression, with it being the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or in any committed, established romantic relationship.
This could also lead to psychological issues that ultimately develop into physical ones such as urinary, bowel and erectile dysfunction.
Psychologists call it the demand-withdraw pattern which happens when one partner makes constant requests of the other and is met with frequent repudiation.
Typically, the way the refusing partner expresses their denial is by ignoring their partner – which is of course what is known as the silent treatment. And it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female – as another study based on more than 14,000 people found the damage remained the same.
However, it was found that women are more likely than men to be the demanders when it comes to the silent treatment.