Most of us have probably been there. You find yourself in a relationship that you are beginning to have serious doubts about. You may not even know why you are starting to feel the way you do about that person who you thought could be “the one,” and now you are wondering if you should break it off. You question yourself constantly and you hesitate to reveal your doubts to the other person. It can be a confusing and frustrating situation that may seem like it has no good answer.
If you’re currently in a relationship you are beginning to have doubts about, here are 10 signs you can look for that may indicate that you are indeed with the wrong person.
1. YOUR EMOTIONAL RESERVOIR IS RUNNING LOW
Remember when there was a time when you could barely manage to stay away from that special person and even when you were apart, you could barely stop thinking about them? You were probably bouncing off the walls and overflowing with joy because you were so happy with your new relationship. Your energy was through the roof and you felt like you could wrestle a grizzly bear and win!
Sure, that initial euphoria is bound to wear off and that’s completely normal. However, if you find that you have moved too far in the other direction, that could be a sign of serious trouble. Is it becoming exhausting to spend time with that person? Do you feel like they are draining your energy and positive feelings? Does the thought of spending time with them give you hesitation? Those are all signs that you are in a relationship that is going to do you more harm than good in the long run.
Not only do bad relationships cause emotional and mental anguish, a steady diet of negative emotions can also have a significant effect on your health and well-being. In many cases, it’s best to end the relationship and move on. As hard as it might to be to believe after ending a relationship, the right one for you is out there somewhere waiting to be found.
. YOU HAVE TO TALK YOURSELF INTO STAYING
Do you find yourself making up reasons to stay together or excuses to avoid ending the relationship? “It would be too hard to find someone else.” “We love the same movies.” “It would be hard for me to find a new apartment.” “All my stuff is at his place.”
Those all may be great perks for a relationship, but are also good examples of reasons that are not good enough to keep a bad relationship going.
Working hard to come up with reasons to stay with someone may a sign that you have self-esteem issues that could use some work. While it’s natural to want to cling to that person and maintain the security of having someone, ending a bad relationship will almost always result in a massive relief and realization that you did the right thing after a little time has past.
3. YOU’VE BECOME SOMEONE ELSE
Good relationships allow people to be themselves. It’s natural and expected to put on a bit of an act toward the beginning of a relationship, within reason. You might make an extra effort to laugh at their jokes or pretend you are more interested in their hobbies than you really are. In most cases you can chalk that up to wanting to make a good impression at the start of the relationship. We all do that to one degree or another.
Once a relationship is well established, acting in ways that do not reflect your true self to impress someone should not feel necessary. Sure we all do or say things to avoid making our partner feel bad whether we have been together for a week or for 50 years, but that’s decidedly different compared to when we tend to go a bit overboard to make ourselves look good at the start of a relationship. You should not feel like you have to keep putting on an act and presenting yourself in a different way in order to convince the other person you are worthy of their love and admiration.
4. YOU FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY
This is a big one. It may seem like this would not have to be said, but you might be surprised to learn how many people remain in abusive relationships. Even if someone has not laid their hands on you, you may have noticed violent behavior that could eventually be directed at you. If you have any doubts about your safety, it’s best to end that relationship and find someone who makes you feel completely safe and protected, and not like you could be expecting a punch or slap in the face the next time you have an argument.
Emotional safety is something that should not be overlooked either. Someone may never lay a hand on you but emotional abuse can leave unseen scars that may result in permanent damage.
This is another instance where you could find yourself making excuses to continue the relationship when all the signs are there that you should end it. “He only hit me because he had a terrible childhood.” “He’s a guy and all guys do that.” “I really should not have said that and I probably deserved to be hit.”
Finding yourself making those kinds of excuses is a sure sign that you are in a potentially dangerous situation that you should end immediately.
5. YOU’RE FEELING DOWN ABOUT YOURSELF
Normally, your self-esteem and self-confidence should be soaring in a good relationship, especially towards the beginning. If you find yourself feeling down and like you are not worthy after spending time with that special person, they may not be quite as special as you had assumed.
Allowing a situation like that to continue will almost always make things worse. You’ll continue to feel unworthy and this may lead to thoughts and feelings that make you feel like you have to stay with that person because nobody else would ever want you or that you don’t deserve better. It’s actually the opposite that’s likely to be true and the truth is that you are someone who deserves better. That special person should be making you feel good about yourself and not that you aren’t good enough for them.
6. WANDERING EYES
It’s quite natural for all of us to appreciate the attractiveness of another person outside of our relationships and we might even develop a bit of a harmless crush on someone else once in a while, but if you are finding yourself preoccupied with thoughts of being with someone else, it could be a sign that all is not well with your current relationship.
It might be a former lover who you are having doubts about letting go of or someone new you met that you just can’t seem to stop thinking about. No matter what the circumstance, focusing too much of your energy on thinking about someone else could be your heart trying to tell you that you should be with someone else.
These feelings can be particularly compelling when they involve a former partner and lingering doubts make you think it was a mistake to break it off. Research has actually found that rekindling lost love is often more successful than people would expect.
7. UNCERTAIN FUTURE
For people who are truly “meant to be,” a lot of time is probably spent planning for the future. A couple may want to move in together, get married or have children. Those thoughts should be accompanied by joyful anticipation and excitement. On the other hand, if those are the types of thoughts that provoke fear, uncertainty and doubt, there’s a good chance you are making plans with the wrong person.
When you think about your future, your partner should be prominently included, but if daydreams about your future life exclude that person, that’s a not-so-subtle signal that part of you knows your relationship is seriously flawed and you just haven’t been able to admit it to yourself.
8. YOU’RE TOO CLINGY
That’s not meant to indicate that someone is too physically clingy and showers their partner with to many hugs, kisses and cuddles, although, like anything else, that can be overdone, too. What we’re more interested in this time is clinging too tightly to the relationship itself.
Do you find yourself feeling fearful that the relationship could end? Do you go out of your way to do things for your partner with the goal of making them love you more and not so much because you love them? It’s possible that you could be more in love with the relationship than you are with the person.
It might be seem like a natural reaction for someone to bend over backwards to please their partner if he or she is often threatening to end the relationship. In reality, it may be a sign for the person being threatened to wake up to reality and have the courage to end the relationship instead. Nobody should be a prisoner to love or what may feel like love and is actually more about control.
9. LACK OF EFFORT
Relationships usually require work. There are always decisions to be made and compromises to reach. Successful couples are not selfish and realize that they both have to give in from time to time to make things work. Partners who find themselves in the position of always having to be the one to give in to please the other could be up against a relationship killer that will eventually bring things to an end.
Partners who really care about the relationship will be willing to sacrifice their wants and desires to please their partner some of the time. Be cautious of score-keeping however, as that can lead to feelings of animosity over the notion that one partner is working harder on the relationship than the other.
10. HOLDING BACK
Relationships are based on trust and when it is discovered that trust has been a one-way street, it can be devastating. That’s not to say that someone in a relationship has to tell the other person everything, but those things that really should be revealed are pretty obvious to most people.
True love blossoms when two people can share their deepest, darkest secrets with each other and always respond honestly to questions. Again, there may be some things that a person might not be comfortable sharing with anyone, but in those cases, it might be better to say something like, “that’s something I am not comfortable talking about” rather than lying about something.